I
remember everything froze. Faces seemed to blur and voices morphed into loud
hums, though I realize that things still happened around me: a water droplet
falls from the tree above me onto the notebook in front of me, the girl that
always makes jokes in the hallway waves at me, the boy holds the door open for
the hordes of students that file into their classrooms, the bell rings. The
bell rings. Consumed in this separate plane of existence I’m barred from
noticing the campus security asking me where I’m supposed to be. Here nothing
exists. Jolted from this state by a hand on my shoulder, I notice there’s
nobody around but the now irritated guard asking for my I.D. card for what is
probably the third time.
“Lola
Manning, grade 11,” he reads aloud. “Shouldn’t you be in class?”
I
nod and pack my things, or more accurately shove them into my bag before I’m
required to speak. I make my way to class and enter quietly without disruption.
The teacher doesn’t even notice. Most of them don’t. The rest don’t care. I
spend the rest of my day distinctly apart from all I encounter. The person
taking this test is not me, Rosie is not greeting me warmly, and I am certainly
not speaking voluntarily in class to contribute to the discussion. This body is
not mine. Not the hands that automatically sweep the hair from this face, nor
the thoughts that permeate this head, destroying its grip on reality, all
demanding immediate attention ranging from due dates to death are able to hold
me here.
Unfortunately,
this body misses the bus and has to walk home. Though entirely capable of
accomplishing this apparently simple task, it resists with sluggish movements
and heavy eyes. I don’t remember the last time I slept, but whether that is a
result of denial or delirium I’m not sure. I can’t bring myself to do it. I
live in fear of the nightmares that lie in wait. Instead I find ways to
distract myself from plummeting back to this body and all that comes with it.
But as all addicts know, the high doesn’t last. I look over to the clock that reads
4:37 a.m. I don’t even remember coming home, but I’m in my bed when all at once
my head floods with the recognition of abandonment and residual weight of my
inner absence. The volume within my head rises almost exponentially with each
passing minute. All attempts at silencing it are futile and I hold my breath as
I reluctantly accept my fate that I’ve been so desperately avoiding. My lungs
scream as my brain tries to over-analyze each piece of information. I feel
everything simultaneously and I wonder if this is what it means to be alive. My
vision begins to fade as I contemplate the age-old question: “What is the
purpose of all this?” As if in a tunnel, I hear my muffled ringtone. It’s
Rosie.
“Hey
Lola you seemed off today. Are you okay? I’m worried that you’re not
answering.”
At
the last second before passing out I inhale, the pressure releasing from my
head and my senses returning. I determine that there is no purpose and
everything is fragile, but if you’re observant you’ll find the girl who tells
jokes and notice the boy who holds the door and appreciate your Rosie for
caring about you, however subtly or clearly this may be shown. You can learn to
breathe again.
36 comments:
Great job with the amount of detail you put into your piece! However, the message in this piece was not very clear to me. I understood the majority of your story though. You did a very good job on your piece, especially with the detail!
- Deborah Fraire
Period 1
this was a very interesting story
This piece of fiction seemingly resembles Susanna Kaysen's "Girl, Interrupted." I just had to put that out there, but I'd like to thank you for taking the time to meticulously placing fleeting moments of imagery in both the text and my head. I think one of the highlights of it also includes how your piece hones into something that seems personal -- in truth, whether or not that maybe true, I liked how there was a hold of the words that came from your head.
It'd be great to maybe also bring to life and personify other objects (My favorite in this piece were your screaming lungs) that could enhance the tone you've set with the ideas of dissociation. In most plays I've read, many people who feel this way have accentuated their comfort in addressing inanimate objects that play well with their emotions, and this piece could have done exactly that. But, other than that, well done.
I thought it was really cool how it all plots into a great story. I also liked that you went into detail about everything. -melodie baptiste period 1
I think my favorite part would have to be the minimal detail in the story, because it allows the reader not only to create their own scene, it fully embodies and reflects what the character is feeling and what they are thinking.
This has to be one of my favorite things I have read. It gave me the opportunity to visualize whats going on and the feelings that others go through. It seems so personal yet so distant and i love it! Its amazingly written!!!
Great story with vivid description throughout the characters day.I believe many of students can relate to this with all the hard work and stress that comes with school.
This was so intriguing. I've honestly never read something so evident in my life. This story was written as though it could be true, it could be the girl sitting right next to me in one of my classes. and maybe it does hold some truth behind it for someones life. aside fro that it was very well written with the use of vivid imagery, a type of fluidity to each sentence precisely placing the correct diction where needed.
great job on this piece!
Jordyn France
per 3
cogswell
This was so intriguing. I've honestly never read something so evident in my life. This story was written as though it could be true, it could be the girl sitting right next to me in one of my classes. and maybe it does hold some truth behind it for someones life. aside fro that it was very well written with the use of vivid imagery, a type of fluidity to each sentence precisely placing the correct diction where needed.
great job on this piece!
Jordyn France
per 3
cogswell
This is truly a frightening piece. Your description of the situation gives it an incredibly intense mood of urgency and stress. Great work. I very much enjoyed it.
This piece is quite interesting. Definitely allowed me to use my senses and imagination to understand this. Also, this story is quite relatable for a lot of students. We are all under some sort of stress at some point and often the consequences from it can be frightening. Great work ! I enjoyed this very much .
-Noelle Mariano
Period 2
Nice story Megan, this piece shows how good you are at writing, and showing your and your character's personality and thought processes through your writing. Your story is very relevant for many people and you are definitely correct in that everyone needs to cherish the little things in life, the small, random acts of kindness that help other people get through their day. Once again, excellent job!
-Taylor Sandoval p.5
I like this story mostly because it's different. At the end when her friends said "I'm worried that your not answering" confused me and I was like "what?" and then the last paragraph explanted it and I really like that part. Also I like how the story has an edge to it.
Very well written piece. Very different as well. I appreciated the way that this story connects to people in today's world. This story also has a certain edge to it. Keep writing!
Very well written piece. Very different as well. I appreciated the way that this story connects to people in today's world. This story also has a certain edge to it. Keep writing!
Great piece!! I enjoyed this piece and the articulative writing you had incorporated about how a person can feel like no one cares but is brought back to reality by just one person. Awesome!
Ariel Foster period 3
Wonderful piece! Megan, this is a very intriguing and well written story. it is a little dark but that is what makes this story so interesting. I love how detailed the story is and how vivid the imagery is. All around great job, keep up the good work!
Very beautiful piece, I couldn't stop reading it. The amount of detail and truth in this story made me relate to it. Keep writing!
Really great piece! I like how you wrote the story so that us readers would have to use our imagination to try to visualize what is going on in the story. Great job with the story!
JC Bagro
Period 3
Wow! I wasn't sure what to expect with this story while reading it, but I loved every bit of it! Your descriptive imagery and storytelling are wonderful. I do love how it seems so negative and terrifying at first and then the subject immediately changes at the end to a more positive effect. You truly did a great job on this piece. It makes you think about what other people might be going through or that we don't always really know what lies behind everyone's thoughts, but this can be an eye opener to those who don't normally consider these things. I loved reading it!
I love how there isn't much detail in the story but there is enough to have a significance. I wasn't all to sure of what exactly the topic of the story is, maybe I need to re-read it. But I did enjoy it for the most part, I feel like a lot of us feel that way but there was no way of describing it to everyone and I think you just did that for everyone else.
Very interesting read! I felt like I was watching a scene cuts from a movie in my head with the way you described everything individually. The emotions are so effectively and effortlessly conveyed through just sentence structure. I also like the way the first-person point of view allows readers to seem like we are Lola, which in all makes the piece so much more relatable.
Megan, This was a really great piece. You had such vivid imagery and such a thoughtful way of describing emotions and physical feelings that really brought the piece to life. I loved the message of how the little things can really save someone, and I think that is something really important that more people need to realize. Great piece!
-Aubrianne Milton
Period 5
There is such a powerful message everyone can extract from this! And these thoughts and feelings are something we can all relate to at one point or another. This was effectively transmitted by your use of modern diction and youthful sentence structure, which also served as a nod to your audience: a bunch of high school seniors who feel the same way. Undoubtedly one of the most relatable pieces I've read. Well done, Megan!
Eloy Guzman
Per. 2
I really enjoyed the piece because it gave an opportunity for creative minds to imagine the story going on. Good job
-Michael Dingle
Period 5
WOW!!!! I loved this piece it is cool how you can make something so simple become so important. You are totally right about how life is not always about the big things and sometimes; people need to just slow down and embrace the little things. Fantastic job.
Kayla Weathers
PD.5
What I love the most is how real this is. People often have some days that can only be described as "odd" or "off" and this is reflects those strange days, and it offers a view point for these people to consider, the small things that they can appreciate and make them feel like they're something other than consciousness in a fleshy shell.
Awesome story there! So much details and TONS of imagery in the story. Honesty made me feel like I was inside of it. So much details and specific points that made the story much better then if it had no detail. Great work!
Ricky Martin
Per.4
Okay so that was beautiful (much like yourself) and at least for me personally, relatable. It is very easy to feel overwhelmed with all that life throws at us and it is very important to have someone you can depend on to care. Aside from an inspiring message, it was overall well written. You know exactly how to utilize your words and impact your audience. I'll probably be thinking about this for the rest of the night. Keep up the good work!
-Kayla Salas, period 5
I honestly reall enjoyed everything about this piece. You put much detail into it which painted a perfect picture and was very creative at mind, really enjoyed your piece. :)
Very good piece you did a very good job in describing the setting making it feel like our school or any other school in the world. I also liked how you described how it feels to be during one of those "off" days where everything is just hazy and you dont really pay attention to those around you, but you put a little spin on it to show a good message that those things that you normally take for granted and not care about can really change your mood
-Marvin Virola
P5
I think I can honestly say that I LOVED this piece. I think it was relatable in the sense of when one is stressed and they seem detached to the world around them but also gave an intriguing perspective of someone who has to go through this type of mindset everyday. Your language and imagery were written in such a flowing manner and allowed for a real story to be built up in my head. I loved the end of the story when it completely turned around and had a more optimistic perspective and had a sense of realization that the little things are what make a purpose for us being here. I applaud you for such a creative, entertaining and well written piece.
A powerful, yet all too real piece that exists within the lives of everyone. Mindset, a sense of perspective, the way the tone flowed through the piece allowed it to transform beyond the literary world into a sense of what life is like. It takes the littlest of things, small to large contrastment, the littlest things that bring the greatest light into our world.
This was a really different piece . But it was a little crazy how its you but then its not really you. I loved the originality.
Evanne Turner
Period.1
This had a good use of detail and it really brought this story to life. I loved the third person perspective in this piece, gave me a better image in my head and made it easier for me to the follow the story and the person in the story better. Good job on this story I loved it.
This story was amazingly well written and the use of description/detail really created a maze for the reader but nonetheless really sparked an interesting image. I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. Great Job!
Period 5
Hunter Fierro
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