Confusion. Pain. Anger. Disbelief. Overwhelming.
It all hit suddenly and unwillingly, I had to mourn the loss of my mom.
Only eleven years into my life and she was gone. Cancer did it. It won.
Many years prior to this I had no worries, just elementary school and fun family days. I would say my upbringing was pretty good and I was undeniably happy. However, those feelings don't seem to last long in this world regardless of age.
One day at seven years old, my mom sat in her bathroom in pain… We thought nothing of it but still went to the doctor just in case. Immediately they caught it, stage 4 cervical cancer. How long she had it was unobtainable but still we took action to fight it head-on. For the next four years, we had endless doctor visits and emergency 911 calls.
“I’ll be home soon” she would text me and my sisters, all holding faith knowing it was probably a lie.
I will never forget early on of her diagnosis when I first saw her seizing one time, I was all alone in the hospital room with her because my grandma had stepped out not knowing what to do.
Seeing these types of things alters your brain forever on.
While all of this was happening me and my sisters still had our own lives going on, having school and such. It was hard. My dad was not present in my life until the end and my grandma was always working or in the hospital with my mom.
So how did we do it?
With the help of our school staff. I wish I could thank them all personally today, the teachers took their time to bring us dinners, give us gift cards, baskets of snacks, and even Christmas presents when we were all alone. With those gift cards, we would all walk, my oldest sister being around 14 at the time, my second oldest being 10, and me being 8 years old, around our community to get some groceries or food.
But of course, everything must come to an end.
For it all to not feel like it was even worth it in the end. All because on April 20, 2016, at 10:28 A.M. she was declared dead. Especially hard because our grandma gave us false hope every day coming back from the hospital saying she was getting better when in reality she had been in a coma for a week and cancer had spread everywhere.
This now leads to why this is called “Unwilled maturity”. With the loss of my mom when she passed as well as even before because she was always in the hospital me and my sisters were forced to grow up in a sense. We had to fend for ourselves and make ends meet with no prior knowledge of how the world works.
Having no strong mother figure in our lives anymore caused us to make mistakes and learn from them very quickly. It seems nice because no parents to tell you what to do but it really hurts not being able to have some warning. With these mistakes though I and my sisters know now a lot more about the world and life than most people do only because we had no other choice.
We had to immediately live with our dad, stepmom, and stepsisters but that didn't do anything. We all had become very independent at such a young age now only depending on each other for advice or just a shoulder to cry on.
We all carry these traits to this day, my oldest sister acting like a mother figure, now being 23, as well as the second oldest being 19, and me being 17 having to step up for sisters that weren't even ours.
For some reason, we were made the model children in the house and everything they did was a reflection of how we acted. The pressure from my dad and stepmom got and still is extremely overwhelming especially because I am now the person they look up to. Not only the pressure to just be responsible and nice with and to my sisters but also just as a human. I cannot make mistakes because my older sisters already did that so they’re tired of it. Wake up late, grounded. Attitude, silent treatment. Standing up for myself, disrespectful. Cameras, life360, it feels like a prison.
Let's not forget the fact that my dad has spoken disrespectfully of my mom on numerous occasions with no shame to us. What he gained from that I could not tell you to be honest.
I would do anything to go back to what it was before, I wish we didn’t have to worry about how we were gonna eat, I wish we didn't have to lose our childhood.
So, almost seven years later and I can't express the amount of pain it is not to have a mom present. From spontaneous Friday movie nights and beach trips to being forced to live with someone rarely present in my life and call him “Dad”. The transition never made quite a sense to my sisters or me but life goes on, right?
Remember to tell your parents or guardian you love them and don't take anything for granted no matter how angry or emotional they can make you. You never know when they won't be there the next day.
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