My world seemed to stop the day my boyfriend of 2 years made the decision to go to the marines on March 13 of 2022. My marine will be gone for 3 months, or 13 weeks, or 91 days. I discovered that taking the days in small increments helps a ton. I've spent 5 days without him and I can’t seem to find the light at the end of the tunnel. For the first 2-3 weeks I will have no contact with my marine under any circumstances. After 2-3 weeks I will receive one letter from my marine which will include an address where I can mail him back after reading what he wrote to me. I’ll continue to do that from this point on until his graduation day. The difficult part is not hearing him, visiting him, touching him, or being near him. There is a saying “no news is good news” yet I find it impossible to cope with. It seems as though this saying had a two edged knife because if I hear from him it could be bad and if not that could still be bad. The marines are a world full of wonder and a life expectancy of disappointment.
I am stuck at a cross road when it comes to timelines. My senior year will go by fast, but the amount of time my marine will be gone feels like an eternity. Everything about my senior year ending brings me back to the events he will miss as he's gone. Prom is April 9th and my best friend won't be there with me, the celebration of graduating will have to be expressed through one simple hand written letter. The lack of emotions and connection is driving me crazy. Before my boyfriend left he hugged me and whispered clearly, “your strong Lea and I have no doubt that we will be stronger when I get home”. I couldn’t look at him and tell him how scared I was, nor could I let him see that I was incredibly sad and angry. Now that he’s gone I feel lonely, afraid, bored, scared, and most of all, weak. Trying to live up to how he wants me to be is crushing my heart into disappointment. How can I be angry at him for making a great sacrifice? How can I be upset at him for doing something honorable? Although, why can’t I be upset about him leaving me? Why can’t I be angry at him for missing my senior activities? I wish I could answer these questions for myself but even I know that there are no answers. The goal is to stay distracted and trust his decision.
The support of my friends and family is incredible, I have everyone by my side during this roller coaster of emotions. I love each and every person who is there for me in any way possible. The problem that I am having is that no matter who can help me, they won’t be him. I have had a number of people in the past few days tell me “I get it” or “I understand”. The problem that I have is that no one understands me or what i'm going through unless they have been through this exact process. I am flustered and irritated with the constant questions I face everyday when someone asks “when is he done?”, “how long has he been gone?”, and most of all, “are you okay?” I am not okay as much as I want to be. I am not as strong as everyone thinks. I thought my boyfriend going to the marines was only going to be his battle and yet im faced with so many challenges.
Beyond my emotions, the benefits for him will be good, he has a title that he earned, he will be filled with pride, he will be happy. The moment I see him on graduation day I know all my worry will float away with the excitement and happiness I'll be faced with. The struggle with being in a relationship while the other is in bootcamp is challenging for a reason. The process is meant to be difficult for both partners to test the strength and willpower we each have. Despite the roller coaster of emotions I've learned that I can't be selfish. I’ve learned that I need to trust my marine. The strength that I have can be used if I try hard enough. I learned that my world isn’t going to be perfect or happen according to my plans. The lack of control gives me peace in knowing that I can change and adapt for the betterment of myself and others. I am learning how to be alone so that my marine and I can grow together while being ourselves no matter how different our worlds are. Not being selfish has taught me that no matter the questions people ask me I can be grateful that they are helping in the only way they know how. My friends and family don’t understand what I’m going through and that isn’t their fault. One of the most important things I learned is that I need to love him more than I am angry because what he is facing in bootcamp is much harder than I could ever imagine.The entire process has taught me how to love myself enough to gather my own strength for both my marine and I.
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