800-273-8255
If you don’t know what that number is, it is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. It is available 24/7, toll-free, and willing to help you through any crisis. Here’s the best part:
I was put on hold.
On April 14, 2021, I was comforted by beautiful elevator music, red and blue capsules, and the horrible scream of uncertainty echoing throughout every corner of my brain. This terrible, discordant orchestra was nothing more than a whisper at the end of my sophomore year. It was nothing but a small annoyance that I figured would eventually see itself out, in fact, it started out as an itch in 2nd grade. That itch became a gash as I would watch my insecurities bubble up and drip away. Then I moved from a 300 student private school to a 3,000 student public one and the voices grew inside of my head, every move I made was somehow wrong.
After missing the majority of sophomore year due to severe sickness, migraines, and insomnia, God decided to reward me with plentiful time by starting a global pandemic during my Junior year. I attempted to tune out the never ending train of thoughts to focus on my grades despite the loss of two friends, my 13 year old dog, and my grandpa within the span of 8 months. The consistent A’s that I had maintained freshman and sophomore year looked at me in disdain as my GPA dropped from a 4.3 to a 2.7.
“I need to see more effort.”
I wish that I could turn back time and catch it early. I wish that I could go back to second grade and realize that the excessive itching was not just allergies. I wish that I didn’t drown in red despair
So there I sat, laughing at the fact that I was put on hold. The complex arpeggios and sharps that I had created stumbled out of place and now were a clashing composition of chords with no rhyme or reason. All of my friends and colleagues were creating their chef d'oeuvres as I tried to fit my musical masterpiece into a note. Instead, that single note was played back to me as the beep of the hold line brought the mess of unexplainable emotions in my head to an abrupt stop.
I ended up failing two of my classes. I’ve never been more relieved.
The hardest thing to do for me is to be able to truly, clearly express the tangled anxiety inside of me. How do you explain to someone that you’re trying? How do I explain that I could do better on the test, but someone is tapping their pen, or the bird outside is chirping too loud, or the
clothes you’re wearing are too itchy, or the lights are too bright? It has always been like trying to understand a radio station that is just out of range and the words are drowned out with waves of unpleasant static. How do I write a personal reflection if I can’t even find a way to describe the way that the cities I built in my mind are crumbling to pieces? I don’t know how to explain that I’m thinking everything but nothing simultaneously and the emptiness inside of my chest brings about the urge to scream and cry until my throat swells and bleeds from the strain. How can I turn this bottled up disharmony into a euphony?
I guess I’ll have to put those questions on hold.
I was recently diagnosed with ADHD, depression, and anxiety, or as I like to call, the “triple threat”. All of my emotions contradict the other, but they love to hold special conferences in my brain to discuss how to make everything I do ten times more difficult. Dopamine, Oxytocin, and Serotonin always like to skip those meetings. There are 6,500 languages and over 171,000 words, yet all fall short to describe the struggles that I have to endure the second I wake up. Despite the crushing weight of never being able to experience normalcy, it is worth it. It was worth it to wake up the next day and cry for hours because of how much I hated myself at that moment. The anger, frustration, and sadness drove me to a point of insanity that taught me to treasure a life that I thought I did not want. There was not enough room on that single note to finish my harmonious cacophony,
There was only enough space to start it.
I’m proud of you,
Carissa Johnson
9 comments:
I applaud you for being able to push through these struggles, using the emotions that traps you down to help you bring you back up on your feet. I absolutely love your use of imagery and language as you describe your emotions that you feel through musical terms: "The complex arpeggios and sharps that I had created stumbled out of place and now were a clashing composition of chords with no rhyme or reason. All of my friends and colleagues were creating their chef d'oeuvres as I tried to fit my musical masterpiece into a note... There was not enough room on that single note to finish my harmonious cacophony." Your use of language is very powerful and impacting, allowing your readers to relate or truly understand the depth of your emotions and what you're going through. You truly have a gift as a writer, and I hope that gift would grant you many opportunities in life and lead you on a beautiful journey.
Every time you share on of your pieces, I feel the deep, undeniable honesty in your words. I feel as though you embodied exactly what many struggle to speak about, and I appreciate you finding the words that they couldn't; That WE couldn't. I find it quite amusing that you used the suicide hotline's inability to simply answer the phone as a focal point due to my own exact experience of this. Thank you for revealing in such depth your story, as I feel this experience is far too familiar for people our age and yet not familiar enough to normalize discussing it.
After reading this piece, I was utterly speechless. Your words moved me in a way that not many pieces of writing have done before. I admire you for being so strong through such a time in your life, and love how you were able to tell your story in such a beautiful way. The integration of musical terms such as: notes, arpeggios, and sharps really added to my experience while reading this, because of the musical background I have, I think it was an amazing way to articulate your feelings. Thank you for sharing this with us.
You are extremely brave for writing your story and expressing your darkest moments. I enjoyed how you went into all the factors that played into your depression and anxiety. I am glad you were able to pull through and recognize the meaning to life. Life is filled with ups and down, twists and turns, but you still battled and came out on top. Good job!
Outstandingly worded, really gave the audience a deep look inside your mind. I appreciate your courage to share this personal memoir with us, I am quite in awe of the complexity of this piece. Well done
This was a truly beautiful piece and I am astonished with your amazing writing skills. You wrote about your experience so well and it clearly shows your strong personality as you went through such a hard time. Your story is one that many can relate to and because you were able to share yours, it will give others the strength to share theirs as well. You express the things that many people struggle to talk about and open up to other people. Your journey shows how powerful you can be even after a difficult time. Amazing job on your piece and thank you for sharing your experience!
Carissa, thank you for being so open and unfiltered in your post, I admire your bravery and courage in doing so. I hope you know that your honesty helps others to not feel alone, and your attempts to describe and pinpoint specific feelings going on in your mind truly shows how courageous you are to wake up every morning and be you. Thank you for sharing your beautiful story, I assure you that it has helped many.
i know the feels, my man. as another triple threat person, i get what it's like to have so many things you want to say and not being able to say them. sorry this isn't as nice or as long as some of the other comments you may get, i just feel like there isn't much i can say that won't come off as empty words that you've probably heard before.
i hope things are looking up a little more now, i really do. wishing you nothing but the best :)
i know the feels, my man. as another triple threat person, i get what it's like to have so many things you want to say and not being able to say them. sorry this isn't as long or nice as some other comments you may receive, i just feel there isn't much i can say that won't feel like empty words you've likely heard before.
i hope things are looking up a little more now, i really do. wishing you nothing but the best :)
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