"How Not to Get a Date for a School Dance" by Devin N

It is the last year of high school, senior year, and you are looking into going to one of the school dances. You ask yourself the question, “Do I wanna go with a date or with a group of friends?” If you have never attended a single school dance or any school event, you are in luck, for I will teach you my tested and proven method of not getting a date for a school dance.

 

Now that you have read through the introduction, a number of thoughts appear to mind. Some being, “I am already not going to go to a school dance,” or “I want to go with a date.” In that case, why are you reading this? Moving forward, this guide will not only prevent you from going with a date, it is guaranteed that all interest in you as a romantic interest will cease to exist. As a formal warning, if by any chance that the idea of no interest in you as a romantic is a major turn-off, I can assure that it does not make you as a person less interesting or less of a friend, and on the brighter side, there is more time to study.

 

First and foremost, any crushes that you have had previously or currently have must be terminated. In layman terms, this refers to the act of taking a picture of said romantic interest and doodling them as a clown. If doing this has not caused your opinion towards the crush to drop, then it is reasonable to skip this step. This is only a prerequisite to your commitment to the cause and a removal of possible candidates that ask you out as a date. There is the possibility of

wanting to keep your high opinion of said crush so an alternative to drawing them as a clown is simply not interacting with them in any form.

After your mental preparations to the goal, there is the physical aspect towards achieving zero possibility of a date. This can refer to the outward appearance or the physical interactions to the preferred gender of interest. Note that this step may appear to be biased against the LGBT community, but I can assure you it is unintentional. The interactions with the gender of interest will appear as heavily reserved or just simply uninterested. This can be achieved with a plethora of methods, but for experience sake, I will discuss a more subtle approach.

All encounters with the other gender shall be avoided if possible and be done so in a discreet manner. When found in an unavoidable interaction, simply find answers that do not follow up and continue the flow of communication. For example, a normal and functioning member of society when asked, “Good morning, how are you?” may respond with, “Good morning, I’m doing fine. How about you.” Now, the use of the phrase, “How about you,” will initiate a response that can vary, but the mere existence of a response to anything you say can be considered an avenger’s level threat to the purpose of this guide. So, if you replace all eight words with “good”, then you have both answered the question and prevented any further interrogation while appearing to be a normal person living in a society. Alternatively, if the question is not about “how you are doing” and more of “what are you doing”, the universal phrase of “Yes, I am” can be applied to stop a conversation. Generally, any form of agreement can be used, but it is important to hear what they are saying. It is widely accepted that agreeing to prejudice against others is not good. If at any point in time you initiate conversation with the gender of interest, you have, as the youngins say, done goofed.

This art of avoiding conversations will reduce the amount of attention and information on you. However, if by any chance someone is interested in you despite how little attention you demand and how little information is known, you have been approached by a shallow person who is only going for your looks. These people will tend to lose interest in you within a week.

Then comes your appearance. Along with not being able to hold a conversation, you also want to influence people to not even want to initiate conversation or notice you. This will be achieved through the power of extremely plain clothes. A simple pair of jeans and a solid color t-shirt is enough to disguise you as one of the crowd instead of an actual individual, further decreasing the attention given to you. This style of clothing focuses more on the side of comfort than fashion of course, so it is important to monitor the weather in case there is the need to don a jacket or bring an umbrella.

It is extremely important to note that these actions are intended to the gender of interest. I encourage you to act normally with your friends because having friends is nice. If these friends of yours begin to judge you based on clothing and how little you want to engage in the opposite sex, I suggest that you reconsider who your friends really are and move on.

 

Last and definitely least, is how you spend your time at a school dance. There will be three different categories of people who attend school dances, and you will fall under one of two. There are the people that came with a date (you will never want to be a part of this if you follow the guide), with friends, or alone. If you came with friends, enjoy the time with your friends and just have fun. If you came alone, consider your used expenses to attend a school dance and ask yourself if it was worth it to come alone to a social event.

This wraps up the guide on how not to get a date for a school dance. Just remember to act as little as possible to draw attention away from yourself. If you have any questions for me, don’t ask them.