Whispers. Why were there so many whispers.
Please
Help Me. Please. Why won’t you listen… Pathetic...Worthless...Waste of
space...Why do we even keep talking to her?...Idiot...Ugly...Fat...Trapped
These are what the whispers continuously
exclaimed, stuck on a loop, hissing and spitting and shouting the vile comments
in her ears.
Why didn’t they just leave her alone? She was
fine, everything was fine.
But the
stars. Aren’t they pretty those stars. They’re infinite and out there and oh so
far away but so close. Wait off track get back…
On her 6th birthday she had exclaimed, “I hear
dead people”. Everyone thought she was joking.
Never
serious. Smart aleck. Only good for a laugh. Just like her father. Only good
for a laugh.
They all
laughed at her.
Colors were spinning, twisting, vibing,
swirling, pulsing, and quite frankly giving her a headache. She wished she
could turn everything off and just curl up into a ball. Hide away and pretend
that she couldn’t hear them. Them. They were coming for her. She could hear
them now...rolling… a can...a can was rolling
And No it was them. They were back and they
spit venom in her ears. Tears blurred in her vision.
Unreliable.
Good for nothing. Piece of trash. Inconvenience. Never should have been born.
She could feel the build up. No she wouldn’t
cry. Crying was for the weak. She wasn’t weak that’s why the stars had chosen
her. She pictured a treasure chest unlocking and shoved all her emotions inside
of it, locking it away. Emotions were something she couldn't afford. Especially
with these ever present ghosts.
They were especially loud today. Instead of
whispering they were screaming, howling so loud she’s sure they have punctured
her eardrum. Is she bleeding?
Serves
you right they hiss. She flinches I’m sorry she
whimpers. Mistake. Shouldn’t have said that. Warning bells go off. They’re mad
now.
Mistake? Mistake! You want to talk about mistakes...look
at yourself in the mirror!
She wants to whimper and curl into herself but
instead she straightens herself out and plasters on a smile.
“Be quiet just be quiet! You don’t control me.
The-THe stars. Don’t they look pretty. So pretty. Shine bright, star light,
it’s awfully dark tonight. Dark tonight, quite a fright, why doesn’t my star
fight? Why didn’t she fight? It was quite a sight. In the night, it came to
light, that no one would ever get up again despite their might!”
“How long has she been like this?” a tall man
with a physician's coat holding a clipboard asked an elderly plump woman who
looked part disinterested and part disturbed.
“For a few years. Ever since her family
disowned her. They couldn’t deal with her behavior. She was erratic, talking to
herself, random bouts of screaming, scratching herself and blaming it all on
these supposed ghosts.” answered the nurse.
The doctor hummed interestingly and jotted
down some notes on his clipboard’ “Alright Patient 2224-X28 shows delusional
tendencies as well as tendencies fitting depression and schizophrenia. Keep her
sedated until further instruction.” The nurse nodded.
They both looked up through the window into a
padded cell obscenely white and isolated. On an equally white bed sat a small
girl hunched over like she was baring the whole world. She was rocking back and
forth hands clasped over her ears. Arms housing scars from continuous
scratching and shivering like a leaf the girl was muttering,
“Sorry..no...mistake..but the stars...help...worthless...please...I
can’t...what do you want me to do?...What do you expect...stop yelling...the
stars.”
….How
can I help the ghosts if I can’t even help myself? Was
her last thought before everything faded to black.
41 comments:
The imagery in this piece is extraordinary. I was immediately sucked in and almost overwhelmed by the intensity of it. I want so much more, I have so many questions! What was her childhood like? What do the ghosts want? I would love to hear your inspiration for it.
You did an amazing job in your piece. It's so sad that her parents just left her instead of helping her. With your description of the voices really made you picture her torture, both mentally and physically. I was really wishing she had the strength to fight off the voices. Overall, the story was amazing.
This was very well written and had me hooked the whole time. I was really saddened by the indifferent and desensitized reaction to the poor girl at the end. Good job.
WOW! This was soo great, I was hooked from the beginning. It was a very interesting read.
- Vanessa Fernandez period 5
WOW. That's all I can say. I could really feel all of the emotions of the girl in this, and I felt like I could hear the ghosts aggressive and insulting words. I find it really interesting that you included the outside perspective with the doctor, because it made me question if she had schizophrenia and scratch herself, or if she truly did hear dead people and they did hurt her, but its just nobody believes her. Overall, great writing, and you'll have to tell me more of what happens!
Based off of the title I didn't know what to expect out of this story but after reading it I found your story very realistic. Many people face inner demons and depression throughout their life and I thought it was interesting how you talked about how people's negative comments can really impact an individual. I enjoyed the part in the story where it almost seemed like a poem due to the words rhyming.I felt that whole part was the perfect representation of the conflicts that a person can have with themselves. Great job Riana!
Wow! This fictional piece was quite intriguing. I like how the unique sentence structure of short sentences show the rush of emotions and thoughts that are going through the main character's head. The symbolism of the stars significantly adds to meaning of the piece as it shows another side of the main character's sentiment
Wow, this story was so intense. I felt so bad for the mysterious the girl and her situation. What I enjoyed was and the imagery that was incorporated because the story felt so real. Great Job!
Even though this is not in first person,the way you have oriented the trains of thought and the breaks of them makes them feel realistic and spontaneous, the way a lot of us think. Not a lot of people have a steady train of thought. You did great in emulating that. It helps in conveying the mood of being overwhelmed. Great piece.
Great job! The title was the first thing to entice me and your story built suspense and kept me on the edge of my seat. You added beautiful details and I could picture exactly what you were saying. I love your word choice like "they spit venom in her ears" because it is different and eye-catching. I love your story!
Wow... this was amazing. Once i started reading then i understood what the title meant and really brought a better understanding. This was amazing. I loved your story.
Oh my gosh, this was such a great story! I was hooked from the first line. It was interesting getting a look into the protagonist's mind. The imagery you used gave me such a clear picture of how her mind functions. That twist at the end was pretty interesting as well. Overall, this was a great read. Thank you for sharing!
I did not expect this just by reading the title. I absolutely loved the imagery and detail you used. I was hooked the entire time and I was left in complete suspense. Overall amazing job. I loved it. Thank you for sharing.
Quite an eerie story. I love how you focused on this crazy girl's thoughts and pulled out toward the end to reveal the situation she was in. You've definitely left me wanting more context on her backstory.
This is a very good piece! It had me hooked the whole time, and I like how each description made it seem as though I was there feeling the torture she was placed through! I loved it!
- Eliana Rodriguez
WOW! When I began to read this story the title did not make sense to me, but as I kept reading it made so much more sense. I love how throughout the whole story there is tension, but you're still sidetracking your thoughts. Really great piece !!
-Valerie Cortez
Per. 5
First of all, I really like the title of the story, it got my attention right away. From there on, I was instantly hooked, the whole lay out of the story was so amazing , OH and the imagery wow!
Riana, I loved this piece! You gave so much clarity it was as if I was experiencing the main character's emotions myself. I also liked how this excerpt felt like a movie script. Great job!
Kayla Rangel
P.6
It's crazy to think that in a few hundred words you can be captivated you by a story that takes you to a whole new reality and world. This piece, your story, had my mind thrown into several emotions and I loved that. I enjoy reading flash fictions, but your piece stood out to me. The repetition, sensory imagery, and use of italics, kept my goosebumps to stay all the way to the end. I love it, great job!
Amazing! This piece made me feel more than anything. The use of italics and ellipsis made a repetitive darkness in the words the ghosts whispered to her. It felt so intense that they kept harassing and invading her thoughts. I especially enjoyed the switch between the girl and the world. It showed another level of madness and darkness. Thanks, Riana. That was an awesome read.
This piece kept me reading. I enjoyed the various uses of literary devices and the overall plot of the story. I would very much enjoy to see a continuation of this. Good job Riana!
Well, this took a darker tone than I was expecting from the title. Not that it was bad, far from it. This was an excellent story looking into the mind of someone else. Still not sure if she really is delusional or if the ghosts are real, but either way I hope she gets help from someone else because it looked like she needed it. There are very few stories I read where we get to see the thought process of someone falling into insanity, whether justified from horrific events or just a fragile mind. Either way, I enjoyed the narrative describing everything from what she thinks and feels to what others think of her behavior. All the stories I've read this year have been one of the best things I've ever read and I'm glad to have had the privilege to see such a variety of different genres written just as beautifully as this one.
- Justin Presto (Per.1)
Dang Riana! This is fantastic! I was hooked the entire time. I think your portrayal of how someone perceives their imperfections is accurate, we all want to fix certain things about ourselves, but at times, it seems impossible to push on with the weight of their handicaps on our shoulders. Well written piece.
There is something very captivating about the way in which you wrote this. The way you formatted your sentences with italics, and short sentences in general really gave off a great tone. I knew exactly what you were going for before I even read the last couple of lines. Great Job!.
Great job on this piece! I enjoy the writing style as you constantly switched from the narrator talking in their head to the narrator talking to someone in their head/out loud. It helped to build the climax and kept me interested in the writing. Ending the piece on a cliff hanger makes me extremely curious to see what you intend to write as a continuation. Again, great job!
Wow I really enjoyed this piece. Originally I didn't expect it to be like this due to the title but I was very pleasantly surprised. I really liked how you added all the special things like the italics and stuff. Overall I just really enjoyed this. Great job
Riana, I knew that you were really into your short stories but this one really blew me away. Your sense of imagery and just the words you used to tell this story was amazing it sucked me right in. If you have any more please let me know I would love to read them. Amazing job!
Woah this was crazy! I had chills from all the imagery. The two different voices were so clear and different that I could really understand who was talking and there wasn't any confusion. Very good job!
Your story kept me captivated the whole time. I'm so curious as to whether Patient 2224-X28 has schizophrenia or if she truly sees spirits. All of the self-defeating voices, or hallucinations, develop the girl's perspective. It was really interesting when you switched to highlight the doctors perspectives in the end. I can definitely picture you becoming a writer. Good job!
I truly found myself lost in your story. Your way of imploring rhyme and made a shift in the story line was very impact in bringing a sense of realness to it. The delusional mind of the protagonist clearly contrast with that of medics and such invokes pity and the your method of putting in bold that main line brings focus to what you wanted to put through.
Wow Riana, that was deep, all of the imagery really brought it all in to perspective about the dark side of life that really is there, thank you for sharing this it really made me think.
I got hooked automatically. The story was a beautiful piece which makes me consider reading over the summer. Good job to you my friend. Keep it up!
How... peculiar? I don't know, I have mixed feelings about this piece. Or better said, mixed impressions. I started skimming through to see if i would want to read, and without really noticing, I quickly became enthralled in the story. It feels incomplete, I am left craving even more. I feel there is room for a whole fleshed out story to be developed from here. I don't feel happy, or sad, or angry, or excited. I don't really know what to feel. And perhaps that is what stylistically is best about this piece. A sense of confusion and loss that empathizes with the protagonist and closes the rhetorical distance. Or maybe I am just missing the point hahaha. All in all, i loved it and hope you develop this piece even further one day. HAGS!
I was hooked the entire time. Schizophrenia is a hardcore disorder that not many understand and it's worse when those with the disorder are abandoned, so this short story does a fine job at depicting how it affects the human mind. We can only imagine what real schizophrenics go through.
Im really impressed with this short story. I think mental illnesses are something that people can't explain, but look a short story summed up some of the experience. Your story did take an unexpected turn for me, I originally though it was going to be about someone struggling with anxiety but seeing that is was actually focused on schizophrenia was really thought provoking, right away I thought wow if I can miss it, imagine how many others miss the cues.
Wow, what a thrillride! This story is so well thought out, I especially love the buildup and then sudden, yet effective, ending. The entire story has such a great flow to it, it definitely kept me on my toes! Great job, Riana! :)
-Carianne Lefebvre P.1
That was an amazing twist, I had not been expecting that she would be in a mental institute. The internal dialogue was very well written and allows the reader to truly see the emotions of the character.
Wow, love this piece so much because it has a personal connection with me. So, being able to make a very descriptive and informative that can allow anybody to be able to enjoy, you did so very well here, is fantastic and great !
My eyes glimmer sentence after sentence. Your story was absolutely mesmerizing to the point I read it a second time. Completely taken away, I've taken a whole new outlook on insecurities. Keep it up!
This was a really dark piece that made me feel helpless and scared! The way this was formatted really showed how worthless she felt and I could sense the pain, but I was unable to stop reading. I really enjoyed this piece!
- Travis Ly
This story is really good. I personaly love darker stories they have more impact that way. I want to know more about her and what she had been going though before this by the end.
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