There was a time when I thought that I had everything. My best friend was the first person I truly felt connected to. He could make me laugh like no other and his words had a way of turning chaos into calm. Our bond felt different, deeper than the fleeting connections I saw in others our age around us. We shared our dreams and when we talked about the conversations we would have over coffee as we got older, it felt as real as the air we breathed. He was someone I trusted with my life and the only one I ever let see every part of me.
We knew we couldn't be more than friends but we remained best friends. He took that title seriously, and I held onto that like a lifeline. He got me through tough times and we would eventually come to talk everyday about just about everything. But life is always unexpected. Later one day without warning, he disappeared without a fight nor explanation. There was just aching silence where his presence once was. I felt like I was trying to hold water, watching it slip through my fingers no matter how hard I tried to grasp it. I searched for an explanation but couldn't find one. My mind spun as I thought if the one person who knew me so completely could leave, then maybe I wasn't good enough. Maybe I was too much.
Then homecoming arrived and I couldn't take the silence anymore. When I finally saw him there I felt like the world would shatter if I didn't get answers. I felt like all the air had been sucked out of the night when we locked eyes. My hands trembled as I walked up to him with my heart pounding so loudly I could've sworn he could hear it. I needed something, closure, anything. I asked him why he had disappeared. His responses felt distant like they belonged to someone else. His words blurred and it felt like trying to catch raindrops in a storm. The only things I could hear were “You are one of the most caring people I've ever known,” his tone so gentle it almost broke me. But I could only hear that it was my fault over all the reassurances.
My knees buckled, but I forced myself to stay standing. I was able to control my legs but I couldn't seem to control my eyes. My vision began blurring and the next thing I knew was that there were tears streaming down my face. My voice started to crack and as I shook I asked him “Was I never good enough?” “Was your silence all I was worth?” And for the first time I could see his expression falter. But no matter what he said, the pain in my chest wouldn't be relieved. I walked away that night broken, feeling his absence more than ever.
After that, the days blurred together and I wasn't able to eat or sleep properly. I wandered through the school hallways like a ghost of myself. The pain started to feel physical, like something was clawing at my chest, leaving scars no one could see. I cried in class, hidden behind my sleeves, afraid someone might notice. I stopped caring about doing my work and things that made me once happy. I felt suffocated and even the smallest tasks felt huge. I didn't just lose a friend, I lost the one person I had trusted with every part of me, and with him, I felt as if I had lost myself too.
But this feeling didn’t last forever. Gradually like the first rays of sunlight after a storm, I began to rebuild myself and found the motivation to pick myself off the ground. I spent more time with people who cared and reminded me that my worth isn't defined by someone else’s choice to leave me. I set boundaries and took care of myself in ways I never before.
The next time I saw him we were at prom and I caught his eye across the floor. But this time I didn't feel that familiar pang of longing and hurt. Instead I felt a sense of bittersweet peace. He wasn’t the pedestal I placed him on. He was human and flawed just like me. Although there will always be a part of me that will be hurt, I realized that I didn't need him to be whole.
Looking back I am not bitter as it forced me to face parts of myself I had been avoiding, to find strength in who I really am. I am no longer willing to pour everything into someone else without leaving some for me and I am better for it. That chapter of my life really shaped me and taught me resilience and self worth. I may have lost him and the time I spent broken over it, but I found myself someone I can carry with myself forever. Myself.
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