I often asked myself while growing up, 'What’s the difference between prioritizing myself and selfishness?' I still don’t know the answer. Most kids are taught at a young age that, to be a good person, you have to prioritize others. And although being selfless is a good quality, it has landed me in some tough situations. Should I share my favorite colored pencils with them? Should I defend them in an argument? Should I give up a great opportunity for them? Answering these questions becomes more difficult as I grow and become more complex. And I am not ashamed to admit that it is sometimes stressful, and I sometimes ask for help. However, I have encountered a situation that has made me realize that I need to be "selfish" because I'm only living as one person, and I need to prioritize myself.
In 2023, my junior year of high school, I decided to join a new program on Etiwanda High School's campus, the Etiwanda Marching Eagle Regiment. From an outsider's perspective, the marching band has a strong stigma held by many students on campus, and I don't blame them. It is a scary environment to be in as a new member, especially when you don't know anyone. Luckily for me and my outgoing personality, it did not take long before I made connections with my fellow color guards and band members. In such a short time, the MER became my second family. Knowing that I joined as a junior in comparison to my peers who were already three or four-year members, I worked hard in fear of falling behind in comparison. While balancing my role on the volleyball team, I made a strong effort to be at every color guard practice and event. There were times when I was physically and mentally drained, but in that moment, keeping up was all that mattered. Thankfully, my efforts did not go unnoticed, and that same year I made the varsity winterguard team as a first-year member. This news made all my worries seem small and made for a great winter season. As the end of winter guard season approached, there was a new hot topic floating around the MER: leadership auditions. Left and right, every color guard member's conversation was somehow connected to the question of who our next color guard captains would be. From an outsider's perspective, captains are not a big deal, but one thing I learned was that captains were a big deal within the color guard. The thought of auditioning for captain did not entertain my mind because it is rare for a new member like myself to earn a captain position. In addition, I had friends who were auditioning, and I would have hated to see them not get the position if I had gotten it. But shortly after, with some small convincing and peers displaying how much they wanted me to audition, I caved in and auditioned. In the back of my mind, I did want to be captain, but I did not want to entertain the idea because it was a bold thought as a new member. Later that month, my peers and I auditioned for captain and other leadership positions. That night of our auditions, I sat at the dinner table with my family celebrating my grandparent's birthday, unable to get that twisted and sick feeling out of my stomach because of how nervous I was. I was already mentally prepared to find out I did not get the role, but what I wasn't able to prepare myself for was the possibility that I could get the role but not my friend. The bright screen lit up by the notification I received in the dark restaurant where I sat was where my journey began to learn how to prioritize myself. Seeing that list of names who earned leadership positions that night with my name being identified as a captain but not my friends was exactly what I feared in the back of my mind. Looking back, I wish I could have truly celebrated my accomplishment of becoming captain, but I was too focused on the thought that I had just broken my friend’s heart. There was nothing I could do but now fulfill the role I have been given by my coaches. Up until the end of August of my senior year, I felt like I had to walk around eggshells with this person in fear that I would say something insensitive because they didn't get the role. I constantly felt bad for this person and worried about how they viewed me despite them still being my friend. All those feelings stopped when I was told by many people that this “friend” of mine was talking bad about me behind my back. They said how I didn't deserve the role and how I only got on varsity for silly reasons. I confronted this person and told them how it made me feel. I hoped that it gave them the closure they needed, but it also gave me closure. It made me realize that it's ok to want something, especially when you earn it. But in their eyes, I'm probably selfish for taking the opportunity from them. I was so caught up in the thought that this person was hurt because of something that I earned that I did not get to celebrate myself. Little did I know, this person that I put before myself was also the one criticizing me behind my back.
Everyone in life will come to a point where they will choose to put someone before themselves, that is ok. It is human nature to nurture the things we love and care most about, but we cannot get lost in it. Oftentimes people will make the mistake like I did of prioritizing someone or something that doesn't benefit them. If someone calls you selfish, it's most likely because you did something that did not go the way they wanted. Everyone, including myself, needs to learn the difference between being selfish and prioritizing yourself. Everyone can do one thing differently today that will be beneficial to themselves, whether it's something they think or do. Although this was a small moment in my life where I realized that I needed to prioritize myself, it has opened up a way of thinking that will hopefully help me in the future as I continue to grow.
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