"Lost" by Abigal M

 

“So, why exactly did you leave me?”

“Vanessa, I already told you: I just co-”

I cut him off. “No, why did you actually leave me? And don’t give me that same response that you always give me. Don’t say, ‘I couldn’t keep up with you,’ or ‘I didn’t have time for you,’ because we both know that that’s a lie. You were always the one to get us up in the morning for elaborate ideas for the day. You were the one who showered me in kisses and paid attention to the little details and always made time for me. Tell me the real reason you left me.” Silence. He just looked at me dumbfounded, blinking and gasping for air as my eyes reprimanded the very being standing in front of me. I kissed my teeth. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.” I turned and started to walk away until he grabbed my arm.

“Wait,” he said. “I was scared…” He spoke through tears.

“Scared? Scared of what? What could you have possibly been so scared of, Tony?” I started to raise my voice, and I knew he could tell that what I was feeling was so much more complex than just being mad or sad.

“I was scared that I was gonna lose you.”

“Tony, what are you talking about?” He had a tendency to be kind of slow, but he just sounded straight stupid.

He looked down and let go of my arm. “I was scared that my love would suffocate you. I was scared that even after all those nights we’d held each other, and we were the only ones each other had left, you’d find a way to say you were ready to go. I was scared that my ‘Good morning’ and ‘Goodnight’ texts every single day would annoy you, and that you’d think they were too cheesy. I was scared that I wasn’t enough and that I was trying too hard and that I…” He started to break down. And I finally understood.

“Tony…” I was at a loss for words. “Tony, you would’ve never lost me. I know I don’t show it much, but I love you. I’ve always loved you. I love you more than words can say. You’ve never been too much, or too suffocating, or too annoying. I’ve loved every single part of you since day one. I wish you would've told me…” I knew his overthinking and trauma got the best of him sometimes, but I didn’t know that it was this bad. God, I loved him so much, even through all the anger and hurt and frustration.

“I left… because I didn’t want you to leave me… so I left you first. I’m so sorry, Van.”

I held him as he melted to the floor. I held and squeezed him so tight that I thought that the world might end. And I just sat there and loved him. “It’s okay,” I said, holding back tears. “It’s okay. I love you. I’ll always love you. You’ll always be the one I collide with…”

“...In every universe.”