On March 26, 2022, the worst and best day of my life, my dad decided to divorce my mom, and I chose to stay with my dad. Most of that day I have blocked from my memory because it is not my favorite memory to look back on. What I can remember is packing my most essential items with the anxiety that I would never come back to my childhood home and my relationship with my mom would never recover. I did not see my mom for a week, and when I finally saw her I was a nervous wreck. That day I can not recall at all, but I do remember that the days that followed were some of the hardest days of my life. I would put a brave face on at school, but in reality my home life was crumbling around me. The rest of freshman year felt as if I was drowning and there was no one to pull me out or no buoy I could use to save myself.
So far, it seems that my parents divorce was the cause of my suffering, but in reality it was the actions of my mother. I started seeing a therapist to work through my emotions not only about my parent’s divorce but the anxiety I had from my childhood. My mother was the main caretaker of me and my brother. She provided me with many fun memories, but even with all these good memories there were moments of yelling, breaking toys, making me insecure, and me feeling scared. As a child, it felt very hard to understand why one moment my mom would act like my best friend but then would be my biggest bully. I have realised now that it had nothing to do with me, but her own emotions and how she used our family as her target for what she was feeling. What she did not realise was that her actions were driving people away, and were affecting my mental health.
After the divorce, my mom, brother, and I went to family therapy together so that we could heal and grow together. I thought change from my mother would happen instantly but I was wrong. After our first ever appointment my brother and I were met with hurtful words and screaming to the point my grandparents had to intervene. For months this happened almost everytime we decided to stay at her house and my brother and I would not speak up for ourselves. In family therapy I slowly started getting better at confronting my mom about her actions during my childhood and how she acted after the divorce. Speaking up for myself in any situation has always been hard for me no matter who the person was. I was constantly afraid of confronting my family, friends, and teachers if something was wrong, because of a fear of disappointment my mother instilled in me. Going to therapy has slowly helped me work on standing up for myself in smaller situations.
Eventually after a couple months of therapy, my brother was able to start standing up for us whenever my mother would get angry. His bravery during these situations is what finally gave me the courage to finally speak up for myself as well. I am still not the best when it comes to confrontation and my heart still skips a beat when I stand up for myself, but the improvement I have made is what I am proud of. Finding my voice not only around my mother, but other people in my life has helped me immensely with my mental health and my leadership skills. Having self-advocacy has allowed me to better my relationships with my friends, teachers, and family including my mom. Even though my mom’s and I relationship is still mediocre and I still feel like I am walking on eggshells, we are both still learning and growing together. I have realized that even through all of our struggles she is still my mother who cares and loves me.
I do not want to look back at my parent’s divorce as a tragic event that happened, but instead I want to have a positive outlook on the experience. My parent’s divorce gave me the opportunity and strength to find my voice against my mom and others. Everyday I hope to learn more about myself and grow into the person I want to be. As I go to college in a few months, I am grateful for all the experiences I have had, because of the important life lessons I was taught along the way.
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