On a warm, Monday afternoon October 28th, 2024 I was filled with nothing but pure excitement to get into my car and finish listening to the new, Tyler, the Creator album that had just dropped, CHROMAKOPIA. For weeks me and my friends had been eagerly counting down the days to hear his new music. I had gone the whole school day hearing nothing but them raving about the new album. I needed to listen for myself, and I did. On my thirty minute drive home which usually feels like an eternity, sitting, and waiting in bumper to bumper traffic, the time flew by. I was about seven minutes away from my house when one of the most beautiful, yet gut-wrenching songs I had ever heard began to play, Like Him. As soon as the song played, a wave of cold rushed over me. Goosebumps emerged from my arms, the hairs on my arms stood up straight as if each individual follicle was being pulled, and my mind became completely empty of every thought, except for the lyrics of this song. I went into autopilot as I began to internalize every lyric. Like Him is about Tyler, the Creator's life living without a father, yet still being compared to him both in his physical appearance and in the way he acts, living in the ghost of a man he never knew, defying his whole identity as an individual. I snapped out of autopilot as I realized the sun had set, I was way past my house, and I needed to go home after replaying the song well over 50 times.
I had internalized the lyrics through my own lens: the frustration of growing up constantly compared to someone else. I have always felt that my own identity was overshadowed by those of the people I surrounded myself with. That my perception of myself was tangled up with the expectations as well as identities of those who came before me. The message of the song triggered a topic I had heard about, yet was never able to fully comprehend, the concept of self reflection, and projection.
As we grow up we are frequently reminded of the traits we share with our parents, or loved ones. For some it’s one parent, for me it was both. As a child I found it endearing. I was a walking, talking, living, breathing mirror of the people whom I admired most. When I would make a certain face and hear, “You look so much like your dad” or I would be a little bossy and get told, “You act just like your mom” As a child it was heartwarming, and a constant reminder of my heritage, but as I grew older it began to take a new tone. What once sounded like compliments and sweet melodies to the ear started to feel like insults and criticisms to my personality and character.
For context, my parents are divorced and navigating a biweekly custody schedule that balances the needs of their lives along with mine has become very difficult, and has taken a strain on my relationships with each of them. The constant juggling of time, and sacrifices of expectations has led to moments of tension, where both my parents’ worst traits begin to reflect not only on them, but me.
On numerous occasions, I have been scolded for my lack of communication and time management skills, the once compliment, “God! You’re just like your dad” was now attached to, “You don’t care! Just like him!” an insult hurled at me, used to hurt me. Once I would have been comforted with these words, now they feel like a sharp punch to the gut. I began to question, Was the problem within me or rooted in him? Was his way of maneuvering the world inadequate? The kind, go with the flow man who I once admired now seemed to be someone I desperately wanted to distance from. The last thing I wanted to be like was him.
On other occasions, when I’m chastised for taking things too seriously, I’ll hear, “You’re just like her, she couldn’t ever take a joke” What was wrong with the strong, driven woman whom I wanted to be like most? Was she too uptight? Was I too uptight? Was my presence bothersome? Was I being a burden for showing too much emotion and not loosening up? The organized, passionate, woman I admired was made to seem like someone I should never resemble.
Listening to "Like Him", the quote from a concept I was never able to fully grasp began repeating in my head as often as I was repeating the song, “How you perceive people is a direct reflection of you. What you don’t like about someone, you have failed to confront about yourself.” When my parents, or anyone for that matter criticized my behavior, my appearance, or my actions, when they used my resemblance as a weapon towards me, it was never a direct reflection of who I was as a person, but rather the unspoken reflection about themselves as people. Others' comments towards me began revealing more about themselves than they had realized.
It’s a humbling realization that people’s perception of you is never fully about you, not to say that everything you do can be fully justified all the time. However, it is colored by their personal feelings, fears, and insecurities, met with their judgments and aspirations. When someone tells me I act just like my mom or my dad, it was never about how I mirrored them, but about how those certain traits and characteristics from them, ignite certain emotions in the viewpoint of the person projecting onto me. I no longer get offended when I hear that something I do reminds others of my dad. I love his free-spirited nature, I love the way my nose hooks down just like his, or his fathers before him, and my brother. Or when someone tells me I’m being bossy, I take that as a compliment. I’m resembling my moms ability to initiate control and leadership in a situation. Like how I love her ability to be organized, I love how my cheekbones pop out when I smile just like hers, every time I’m happy I see her in me. And I will never allow anyone to make me feel any different.
This understanding shifted my perspective. The struggle and pain I once felt from these comparisons was not a burden for me to carry, but a projection of the beholder’s own feelings and inadequacy. Recognizing this has allowed me to embrace my own identity, and no longer be ashamed or embarrassed by those who came before me but proud of my lineage to them. The now firm understanding that how others perceive me says more about them than it ever will about me.
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