I don’t hate Valentine’s Day anymore: a phrase younger me would have never thought I’d live by because when you grow up as a lover girl, Valentine’s Day is “supposed” to be a holiday you look forward to, mainly because it’s a holiday celebrating romance, but in my case, that wasn’t true. Now, I’m not saying that because I wanted to be different. I adored romance, and that feeling hasn’t changed since. But I was a lover girl who didn’t share the same experiences that were said in multiple love songs or seen in romcoms and Disney movies, so the thought of looking forward to the holiday never happened and instead left me dreading it every year it came around.
It was around fourth or fifth grade that I began to have some distaste for the beloved holiday. Of course, I enjoyed the elementary school parties that required every student to beg their parents to buy Valentine’s Day cards and candy that they’d pass out to their classmates in class the next day; sure, every kid did, but when it came to any time outside of the classroom where I’d have to see my closest friends be gifted teddy bears and gift baskets from their partners, I couldn’t help but feel resentment. I mean, why must there be a holiday that does nothing but make single people feel worse about themselves? I knew I was selfish for not feeling happy for my friends, despite us being at the age of adolescence where “true love” was nowhere near the sort, but I grew up not receiving that type of attention from anyone. That attraction from someone else was all I used to yearn for; I felt like I was letting myself down by not living up to my “Disney-movie-type-of-romance” dream, which I thought gave me more reason to feel so negative. My hatred only grew worse in middle school when my parents finally allowed me access to social media, and I’d see Instagram stories posted by close friends of their partners with the same caption: “Happy Valentine’s Day.” Swiping through social media only made my heart break in two, feeling more left out by the rest of the world because I couldn't participate in posting a significant other when that’s all I ever wanted. When I got to eighth grade, the second movie of To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before came out, which held my hopes up high for high school because if Lara Jean could get her Peter Kavinsky in high school, maybe I would too! But boy, was I wrong.
When I entered my freshman year, not experiencing my Lara Jean dream, my heart sank even more as I passed by couples holding hands as they walked each other to class. During that year, I remember ranting to an ex-friend about how I felt regarding Valentine’s Day, and her immediate response was to scold me about how the way I was feeling was belittling those and herself who were in relationships and took part in those couple activities. But that wasn’t it. In my mind, all I wanted was for her to enjoy and cherish that love she built with her boyfriend because that connection is so beautiful. However, my sophomore year was different. I experienced what our society calls a “situationship” for the very first time, and it pains me to say that going through that is a canon event for anyone. Being the lover girl I am, I daydreamed about how Valentine’s Day would look for the guy and I. Would he greet me with a teddy bear, my favorite candies, and such prettily put into a decorated pink basket? Would he post me on his Instagram story with the caption “Happy Valentine’s Day” to one of the love songs I shared with him? Would he be my Peter Kavinsky? Long story short, he wasn’t. But I’m glad he wasn’t because right after things went south with him, I had people who reminded me that love can come from anywhere and anyone. As I look back at these memories, I’m proud of myself that I’m now at a point in my life where I don’t beat myself down over not having that romantic attraction with someone and remembering that platonic love is just as beautiful.
Though it took me time to realize, I’m glad that I finally acknowledge that Valentine’s Day isn’t just a holiday centered around the romantic attraction towards a special someone. It’s a holiday of celebrating love for those around you, whether they’re a significant partner or not. I celebrated this year’s Valentine’s Day with the help of the quote, “I know it is real because I exist, and I am full of it,” by appreciating the impactful love I have around me, which is something I wouldn’t have done years ago. I would’ve been sulking and making the day full of negativity when it shouldn’t be. And to just my luck, this year’s Valentine’s Day ended up being a great one. Now that I’m a senior in high school, with three months left of what I’ve put myself into for the last four years, my love for Valentine’s Day continues to grow as my bonds with family and friends blossom every day. And instead of making a scowl at the thought of this holiday, I now smile, knowing that I have such memorable people in my life, and that’s the best Valentine I could ever ask for.
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