On that school day in my sophomore year, I headed into the library, purposely trying to avoid running into anyone I knew. I veered away from my normal spot in the morning by the pool where my friends were. My eyes were horribly puffy from crying last night, and I didn’t want to be questioned on them and eventually revealing the truth: that I cried myself to sleep.
It happened that previous night and struck randomly without warning. A sudden breakdown disrupted any ability I had of sleeping, and I woke up the next morning with the evidence: extremely puffy eyes.
Great, now how am I gonna hide them this time?
On the ride to school, I devised a plan and quickly came up with excuses for why my eyes were puffy.
First, I’ll head to the library so that my friends don’t ask me about them. Once I get to first period and if people start asking, just say that you didn’t sleep well last night (which is technically true). Then, just maintain your composure for the rest of the day.
With that, I mentally prepared myself to go through the school day with a stone veil.
I thought I had the perfect cover-up, and that I’d manage to get through the whole day without letting anyone know about last night’s breakdown. To my mistake, there wasn’t any way I could just ignore the emotional turmoil building up inside of me. I underestimated just how not okay I was, and it took me by surprise.
At first period, the dreaded question about my eyes finally arrived. Just like rehearsed, I answered, “Oh, I just didn’t get enough sleep last night.” And with that the hard part was over, and relief washed over me. I could feel an ache in my chest, but decided to ignore it.
Crack.
Second period came and it was pretty easy. Spanish went on as usual and there was talk of the academic rally that was happening that day. My mind started to lose focus, but decided to ignore it.
Crack.
Third period came. Chemistry. Normally, I felt sleepy around this time of day, and I tried to fight through it while taking notes, my handwriting coming out shaky and messy. I found it a bit hard to focus. My eyes watered a bit, but I decided to ignore it.
Crack.
Now it was fourth period. My classmates and I entered the classroom now filled with chatter just after the academic rally. I sat down and as planned the math lesson started.
However, this time my mind was completely clouded, and I felt worse than before. I could feel a lump starting to form in my throat, my face heating up, and the aching in my chest intensified more than before. Internal panic overcame me when my eyes started watering little by little, forming a droplet growing bigger in size. The whiteboard in front of me started to blur, the equations becoming unintelligible.
Drip.
CRACK.
My stone veil completely broken into pieces, the tears that were weeping to be free now streamed down my face. Immediate shame rushed through me. My math teacher took notice and offered me a visit to the counselor’s office. I agreed, and walked out the door, mortified and with my head down.
I didn’t expect to find myself actually going in the counselor’s office because I knew what that entailed. I had to explain the tears to someone, something I’ve been avoiding this whole time.
I could’ve just skipped the offer and just enjoy lunch early. But this time, I felt different. After my teacher offered me to go take a break from the lesson to calm myself down, I took it as a sign. I needed to confront my own emotions.
The visit to the counselor’s office actually turned out to be nice. My counselor and I had a real heart-to-heart moment. I saw how nice it was to acknowledge my feelings, and to have someone be there to listen. After much-needed comfort and a promise to check in with her, I left the office feeling lighter than before.
I recounted the event to my friends in the cafeteria who hugged me and offered me more comfort. I felt incredibly blessed, and my heart swelled with happiness. I berated myself for ever thinking that I could get away with burying my emotions.
That was one of the few moments in my life that I truly allowed myself to be vulnerable. And as it turns out, being vulnerable is in its own way a sign of strength.
I still have trouble allowing myself to completely talk about my feelings. But it was that day that made me realize just how much I’ve been neglecting my own needs. So I’ll try to continue to take care of myself and be strong. Not through a stone veil that my feelings hide behind, but through courage that allows them to be expressed.
I just have to say this is beautiful! Finding out that vulnerability is a sign of strength, is something most people don't realize until much later in life,and I love the title Cracked Composure,the alliteration amplifies the effect of the piece, I love that you pointed out that it's easy to stuff your feelings down and not talk about them, I think when you finally do it's like a weight lifted off your shoulders thank you for writing this :)
ReplyDeleteI loved how this piece was constructed, the way you broke down how little things throughout your day slowly broke you down and "cracked" your veil was extremely relatable because many times the reason we break down is because of the built up emotion we've tried to suppress. The alliteration and imagery was also beautifully written and left me engaged completely in this piece. I'm happy you found the relief and strength in expressing your emotions :)
ReplyDeleteI really like your blog entry because, I can relate to this and I think a lot of other people as well. Hiding your emotions when it gets to much can be really, but in the end it feels great to let go of all that pain. Also I love how you incorporated the word crack as sign of your emotions about to break through throughout the school day. Lastly, this was really well written.
ReplyDeleteI love this. The way it was written seems to reflect how it felt for you; with the structure of the paragraphs breaking as if you could feel yourself cracking trying to hold yourself together. I'm glad you were able to learn it's okay to be vulnerable and it's even more inspiring that you learned vulnerability isn't an inconvenience, but a strength.
ReplyDeleteI loved reading this piece! I really liked how throughout the piece you incorporated a stone veil to hide your feelings, but it slowly started to crack as you started to reveal your feelings. I'm glad to hear that you have such supportive friends and people around you to comfort you. I know being seen at your most vulnerable point is hard to handle, but at times I think it really is necessary in order to keep moving forward.
ReplyDeleteJanelle, I really loved this piece and the way you expressed the "cracking" of your stone wall to hide your emotions. I think it is very relatable to be scared of vulnerability, but your writing is a kind reminder that expressing our emotions is a show of strength.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this. I've been in this exact situation COUNTLESS times. That heaviness in your chest is something I think I've almost learned to live with but I'll try to follow your lead by talking about it.
ReplyDeleteThis piece was extremely beautiful and relatable. People tend to hide their emotions a lot, but the pent up anger and sadness usually comes out way worse than what we want. It is easier said than done, but talking to others when the emotions arise would probably make our lives a lot less stressful.
ReplyDeleteI loved your piece of work. Vulnerability can be a scary thing to face especially with built up emotions but it was really inspiring how you recognized that pushing everything down wasn’t going to fix anything. I loved how at the end of it all you showed courage and overcame your battles.
ReplyDeleteI love this piece of writing so much! I love how you depict your stone viel cracking throughout the day. You felt weak for letting it crack at first, but I love how you conclude your piece by realizing that allowing it to crack in front of others is inherently a strength. I struggle with vulnerability as well, but your piece of writing made me feel hopeful. I'm really glad to see that your friends supported you, and I hope you continue to be vulnerable and show more of your true self.
ReplyDeleteJanelle,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this with us, it was beautifully written. The concept of suppressing emotions is something that we have all experienced, but seeing and reading this account in detail was truly touching and emotional. The way that you explained to the reader with such detail, and using an idea of a "stone veil" that would "Crack" as the day went on was very touching. Your writing reminds us all that we must eventually not suppress our emotions anymore, for our own well-being. Thank you for sharing!
-Jesse Ortiz
Incredible writing! The tension built through this piece's structure perfectly emulated that feeling of losing your grip or more aptly, losing your composure. The ability to reconcile with one's emotions is truly a skill that needs to be refined. As demonstrated in your writing, emotions must be expressed in some way, but I believe conversation doesn't have to be the sole method of managing these intense feelings. The most important thing is that we recognize our emotions as real and significant portions of our daily lives, further allowing us to more comfortably release and work through them. There is no better evidence that the suppression of these behaviors is severely damaging than the intimate narrative you told.
ReplyDeleteYou did an amazing job writing this. I feel like people can relate to this, and it is so true. Talking to others would help a lot. Great job. -Muskaan Sandhu
ReplyDeleteYes! Bottling up your emotions is an incredibly toxic thing for yourself, and while it can be very difficult to express those emotions to others, it is the first step to finally feeling free. I am glad you had this revelation and are starting to feel more like yourself.
ReplyDeleteThis is totally relatable. I still have a lot of trouble being vulnerable because I have thought of it as a weak trait to express. Now as I grow older I realize it is a real sign of authentic strength to be able to face your emotions when you are at your most vulnerable. You are brave for mustering up the courage to confront your feelings! Wonderful piece. -Evan Nguyen
ReplyDeleteI loved the way you built suspense and told the story from "crack" to "crack". It was something so relatable, feeling the building and knowing you're being pushed to the breaking point and still trying to hold it together for no reason more than not wanting to have to explain or put your feelings into words.
ReplyDelete-Ryan Mallon
Janelle. Thank you so much for being such a strong, beautiful person. I know we have only interacted a few times, like when we were in Advanced Math Gold together in eighth grade, all the way to when we were paired together for the link crew training. But every time, it was never awkward or forced, but very comfortable. These descriptions and the imagery that comes with it is just so powerful. I never would have known that the cool person I had bursts of interaction with could be feeling like this when you always made every interaction natural. I agree; being vulnerable is incredibly strong in its own way. Thank you for sharing your strength with those who may feel as if they have none. <333
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