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Monday, January 29, 2018

"Lesson Learned" by Carly S


Waking up with a dagger at your throat was precisely as terrifying it sounded.

That's what most people thought when they first met her like this, he thought, as he woke up to the cold sting of the sharp object at his throat.

He'd known she would come for him eventually. He could only stay on everyone's good side for so long.

And he knew exactly who sent her. It was undoubtedly the victim of his unrestricted outburst this afternoon: the maid.

She had happened to enter his room after a particularly frustrating conversation with his father, and ended up cowering on the floor as he raised his hand to strike her a second time. He had hit her before, but that was long ago, before he had adopted a more tolerable attitude towards his workers once he realized how expensive it was to replace one if they died. After him treating her so forgivingly for so long, it was especially frightening for her to be hit again.

But after he left, he had wondered if he would be killed tonight. He simply dismissed it, however, believing she didn't have enough money in her possession to pay for the service.

But it was made clear she did, as proven by the assassin staring down at him, pressing the dagger into his neck with enough force that he felt it draw blood, felt it run down his neck and onto the bed.

He wondered if it was her who had slit his mother's throat that night not even a year ago. The girl's presence reopened the wound, and he found himself clenching his fists at the chance to get his revenge. But he couldn’t do anything in this position; one move and he would end up just like his mother, throat slashed and left to choke on blood as he attempted to call for help.

So he just stared at her, daring her to finish him off with his fierce eyes. He saw her jaw clench through the mask, whether in contemplation or annoyance or something else, he was unsure. The cloth covered her mouth and nose, wrapping around the back of her head and disappearing beneath her short hair that looked hastily cut, possibly even sheared by the weapon that edged closer to cutting into his throat.

"Do it," he forced out. "Get it over with." He spoke loud to distract her from the noise of his shifting as he reached for the sheath he kept around his thigh.

She saw what he was doing though, she would be blind if she didn’t. Did he really think she was so lowly trained she wouldn’t feel the entire bed move as he reached for the empty sheath?

She grinned as his eyes widened, just now realizing he was weaponless. It would have been reckless going into this exchange knowing he had a weapon in reach; she'd watched him train, and he was quite skilled with the knife he kept on his thigh.

He exhaled deeply, accepting his fate. He didn’t particularly care for the silence, though.

"What are you waiting for?" he asked.

"Do you know who I am?" she whispered through the mask.

"You're the assassin here to kill me, have you forgotten why you're here?" he quipped.

She didn’t reply immediately, just pressed a little harder on the dagger, pushing it deeper, but not yet enough to kill.

Without breaking eye contact, she pulled the cloth down under her chin.

"How about now."

He didn’t believe what he saw. Before him was the daughter of his previous maid, the reason he stopped beating his servants for a while. Like he said, they were expensive to replace if they died, whether from natural causes or his own rage.

Her face seemed to have gained a certain maturity that almost scared him. She was not the girl from all those years ago, the one who happily assisted her mother in her work, but refused to officially work for his father. He could easily guess what brought that hardness that destroyed the fragility of her childhood. If anything, he couldn’t forget it, it replayed in his nightmares all the time.

The day she walked in on him beating her mother to death.

And no matter what his heart told him, his mind repeated that it was her fault, that she deserved it. That if she had been more careful and not spilled his tea all over his work, she would not have been thrown to the ground and kicked until one blow to the head silenced her screams. He had stared at her lifeless body, and no later than he felt the regret starting to overtake him, another scream began. She didn’t stop until the guards carried her out and threw her into the street.

And she got her revenge, not yet a full year ago, by taking his mother.

"Just do it," he ignored her question and clenched his teeth.

Her sudden smile worried him. "Oh no. For now, you will suffer."

"How much did she pay you, I'll double it," he attempted.

Shaking her head, she moved the dagger to his side and pressed it into him. He screamed for a split second before she shoved her mask in his mouth and pushed harder until he passed out.


He woke in the morning to commotion outside his room. He would have believed last night was a dream if it weren't for the stitched stab wound in his side.

He exited his room and followed a group of guards as they rushed past. He got more concerned as he neared his father's sleeping chamber. What he saw inside only reassured him more that the night before had in fact been a reality.

Inside was his father laying in bed, throat cut open just like his mother's had been.

He couldn't help but to collapse to the floor in the doorway, remembering her words from last night.

"For now, you will suffer."

20 comments:

  1. Oh my gosh Carly, this story caught me off guard. I did not expect the ending because I expected him to suffer the same fate as his mom but he only ended up suffering more with the death of his father. I was convinced that it was the maid that was doing the crime but I like the twist you put with it being the maid's daughter. This was very well written, suspensful, and a captivating story. Great Job!

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  2. Carly! This piece is amazing! I loved the ending because I too thought that the man would be killed and not his father. This story had great suspense and I do love the twist about the maids daughter. Great piece, I love your writing.

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  3. Wow this story was so good! I was so shocked at the ending! I did not expect her to actually get away with her plans, I was waiting for someone to come help him so when nobody did it was shocking. I think the ending was really good because nobody expects her comment on suffering to be the death of his father. Great job!

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  4. The suspenseful tone was invigorating! Your vivid use of sensory details and descriptions of the main character's thoughts are very thorough and allows readers to truly place themselves at this tense moment. There was never a dull moment in this piece as each moment was elaborated to evoke an anticipating mood and I feel like the plot twist ended everything perfectly! Great job

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  5. This story was amazing!!!! The girl wasn't only their to seek revenge on him, but like she said, to make him suffer. This story teaches you many lessons, but the most important one is that of an old saying You will reap what you sow. Great Job!!

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  6. This was so well written! Your misdirection was always on point and added so much suspense! I thought he would be spared and be allowed to atone for his actions but I was shocked. The story was captivating throughout!

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  7. You did a fantastic job at showing how the girl made him suffer. You really shocked me with the ending. I was not excpecting the father to be killed. Amazing job. Your piece was very suspenseful

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  8. AGHAHGAHG THIS WAS SO CRAZY CARLY!!! Every twist and turn had me at the edge of my seat! I kept thinking to myself of multiple theories and that I knew exactly what was going to happen next, but I was completely wrong!! And I love that about your story!! Every single detail was unexpected and frightening and captivating all at once!! I love how you used the main character as the narrator. I also really loved how you kept going back and forth with previous events that he thought to himself as he was trying to figure out the mysterious woman in the present. Everything was surprising!! GREAT JOB CARLY!!!

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  9. As much as I like stories involving revenge, I haven't had the chance to read any in awhile, so I'm glad to have found yours this month. If you were to ask me, I would say that this man had deserved to be punished for so carelessly mistreating another human being. Yes, he did have some regret for what he had done, but only when he realized that he had gone too far this time. What I don't condone is the involvement of others in said punishment because they, to my knowledge, had no other involvement with the tragedy aside from being his parents. Regardless, I enjoyed every line of the story and you did a great job at portraying the girl's vengeance for her mother.

    - Justin Presto (Per.1)

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  10. OKAY this by far has been on of my favorite pieces. It was truly like a mini movie in my head. I would actually love to see this piece be turned into a an actual screen production. Your use of imagery allowed the words to come alive with a very suspenseful vibe. The lesson behind the piece is also a very universal statement that you personalized to have a much deeper meaning. Overall enjoyed this piece a lot!

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  11. Wow that was amazingly well written! I loved how you played out the events with flashbacks to how and why the assassin was there to make him suffer and the characters seemed to be real as they preformed their roles. I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. Great job!

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  12. This piece had me captivated from the first line! It was really obscure at first but as I kept reading the picture became clearer and clearer and made me want to keep reading. The twist at the end was really clever.

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  13. Wow Carly, that was amazing! I wasn't expecting the ending at all. I loved that you used a lot of imagery so we could easily visualize what was going on. I really enjoyed reading your piece, thanks for sharing !

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  14. I am all here for this plot man, in my youth all I wanted to be was an assassin (like in Kill Bill) but unfortunately training for that kind of passed so Im stuck with the 9-5 type of job. But that just means that I have to find beautifully written assassin stories and yours is one. this could most definitely be adapted into a much longer novel, but I like how in a very short span of writing you gave us the whole story without it being cheesy.

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  15. It's interesting what vengeance can make a person do. You had my attention from the first line. As the story progressed, I became more tense as I was curious as to how this would resolve. The ending definitely took my by surprise. Nice job, Carly!

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  16. Wow this was such an interesting piece. The intensity of the situation kept me reading line by line, not wanting to stop. I definitely want a continuation and see what the assassin further does to make him suffer.

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  17. I really felt this piece. It seemed more real the more I continued reading it and by the end I felt immersed in the story. The way you wrote this piece made it so authentic and fun to read. I wish it was a lot longer! Thank you for sharing this. I loved how the girl really made him suffer. - Carianne Lefebvre Period 1

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  18. WOW WOW WOW CARLY! I really loved this because I got to see your own writing style. Breaking it down line by line really added to the intensity of this piece. The more I read, the more I became invested in seeing the result. Thank you sharing this with us! - Jennifer Kirksey

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  19. Woah I was not expecting the end, but then again as a writer you don’t want to be predictable. I love the suspenseful and dark vibe i get from this piece, it was so intense couldn’t stop reading! The more I read the better the story got line by line, thank you for sharing this it was great.
    -Rachel Adzaho
    2nd period

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  20. Great job Carly! Loved how you left the reader wanting for more with that cliff hanger at the end. Very action packed and drama filled from all the imagery, which is how I like my stories.

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