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Monday, October 24, 2016
"Yikes" by Jada D
“Don’t you dare get in the car! DO you understand me?!” “NOOOO!!!” she shrieked as
the car took off.
Earlier that day…
“ Hey, mom, can I talk to you about something?” asked, Kim.
“Sure, hun, what’s up?”
“ How do you feel about me having a boyfriend?”
“I’ll allow it, as long as I get to meet him,” said the mom nervously.
“Well-”
“Kim!”
“Mom, can you listen? He’s on the way right now I hoped you’d say that.” She said embracing
her mother.
“I hope you love him as much as I do!”
“Kim, I’m not done with you, how long?!” said the mom trying to keep calm.
Kim snickering, “Not long at all, it’s just I didn’t know how to tell you, but it’s been two months
already.”
“Kim,” she said shaking her head, “Only two months and you love him already,” rolling her
eyes, “I’m so disappointed.”
“Really?”
“No, I’m just kidding, I’m glad you finally told me, but two months is still a short time.”
*both laughing, when the doorbell rings*
“I got it!”
“Hi, my love!” says James as he gives, Kim, the flowers and hugs her.
James looking around and suddenly eyes widening.
“James?” asked the mother horrified.
“ No! No! No! NO!” they both say echoing each other.
“Kim! This is your-”
James, interrupting, “Hello, Mrs. Kelley.” looking horrified still not know how to react.
“Ms. Johnson, now, I cannot believe this, this can’t be real.”
“Excuse me, what’s going on here ?” asked, Kim cluelessly.
“James, I need to speak with my daughter!”
“Kim, this is your cousin, from your father’s side, he was at our wedding!”
“Mom! You’re lying, stop!”
“James? Did you know?”
“Oh no, I’m going to be sick!” James says before throwing up in the flowers he got, Kim.
“ No, she’s lying come on!” Kim, says grabbing James and running to the car, “ Start it, come
on, Now!”
“Don’t you dare get in the car! DO you understand me?!” “NOOOO!!!” she shrieked as the car
took off.
*later down the street racing past cars*
“James!” Kim, yelled crying.
“What!!”
“You went to my mom and dad’s wedding?”
“Are you rea-”
“DON’T!” James, screamed.
“How couldn’t we have known? Why haven’t I seen you before? How is this possible?” Kim
was yelling crying.
*5 missed calls from mom*
*3 missed calls from dad*
“My dad called!” “It must be true!” she said excessively crying.
“What are we going to do?”
“James! Talk to me!”
“Please!”
“ I don’t know what to do, where are we even going” She says trying to calm herself.
“I still love you”
*James looking at Kim*
Not realizing he ran a red light.
“Ahhhh!!!!”
*beep beep beep*
“Mr. and Mrs. Kelley”
“Ms. Johnson”
“Mr. Kelley and Mrs. Johnson, I’m so sorry, but she didn’t have her seatbelt on, she didn’t make
it.”
“Oh, no!” “Kimmy!” the mom yells falling to the floor.
The dad standing there, shocked. Embracing his ex-wife.
Wow that story was really good. It went from Kim's mother meeting James to Kim finding out that her boyfriend is her cousin from her dad's side. The story went into something that was totally unexpected. Also at the end when Kim's parents found out that Kim didn't make it from the accident made me really shocked that she didn't live. But overall,this story really grabbed my attention and it was a very interesting story to read.
ReplyDeleteAshley Sung
From your initial sentence, I was automatically hooked. This story was packed with many plot twists and surprises in such a short amount of combined words. The concept of the plot was executed well, and I was thoroughly intrigued by the constant outer dialogue between the characters. The story began as a small conflict, and built up to something shocking. Overall, your style of writing and creativity of your plot allowed me to think more in depth of the trivial problems that many tend to brush off. Well done!
ReplyDeleteReading your title from the beginning, I was curious to see why you had titled your story just that. As I read on and finally got to the turning point of the story, I was so into the story that I accidentally said "yikes" too. Even though the story didn't end as happy as I thought it would, I really liked the build of your plot and the roller coaster of emotions you put me through.
ReplyDeleteI was actually really intrigued to see what your story had in store, due to your title and it honestly did not let me down. The turning point in the story was definitely a "yikes" moment especially when you read what both James and Kim's Mom's reactions were. I thought the story was going to end up with them just breaking up and living an awkwardly ever after feeling at Thanksgivings, but I was definitely wrong. The ending definitely made the story more serious and more interesting to read. Overall, your use of detailed emotion really allowed me to see and feel what the characters were feeling.
ReplyDeleteYour title caught me by surprise and when I started reading I became curious. You had a very well constructed story only using a majority of dialog. The fact that the characters didn't even know they were related just shows how our generation is so oblivious and quick to "love". You did a good job making the readers feel as though they were apart of it, connecting to the feelings and emotions rushing out of the house to avoid embarrassment. Even though the story ended badly I like the build of your plot! Well done!
ReplyDeleteThis needs a Part 2! Everything of this story was so spot on as well as the dialogue and the use of onomatopoeia. At first i did not quite understand who was talking but other than that it was great. The way your story is formed made it eye-popping to us readers. From the way you made the characters show strong emotion conveys the overall tone of the story. Well done!
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh! Your title caught my attention, especially because it's a word I use daily. I would have never expected that they were related, nor did I see the ending coming at all! I love dialogue used in your piece and your diction allows the reader to picture the events unfolding before our eyes. I felt like I was right there with them, experiencing the same thrill and fear that the characters felt. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThe title of your story made me want to read your amazing story. I love how the first sentence was stated in the latter half of your story to tie everything together. Honestly the dialogue got a bit confusing, in a way I didn't know who was speaking to who but nevertheless the conversation was very real, and like how we communicate with others today. The storyline was interesting, leaving me wanting more and I did not expect things to turn out like the way they did at the end of the piece. Overall, great job!
ReplyDeleteThis piece most definitely grabbed my attention from the start. As I scrolled through each story, I clicked this one because I automatically thought to myself, "yikes what?" There was never a dull moment throughout the story, it led the reader eager to read more and want to understand the situation. Good job by grabbing the reader's attention!
ReplyDeleteYour title captured me but I don't think it was any preparation for the story it withheld. WOW,how skillful to bring so many twists and turns and tone shifts into such a brief conversation narrative. Suspense was help well even after the mother blurted out the coincidence. Even through all the commotion the ending was still a complete surprise. Good work with maintaining such suspenseful attention throughout.
ReplyDeleteYour title automatically drew my attention. My initial thought was that I was going to read an embarrassing or comedic story, but as soon as I read the first line, I was in a trance. It immediately took us to the action and made me not want to stop reading. I think you perfectly captured the differences in the diction from teenager to parent. I definitely had a huge turn of events and I really enjoyed reading your story!
ReplyDeleteThat was a wild ride from start to finish! I enjoyed all the twists the plot took, it helped keep the story interesting. The title was very catching, since I wanted to find out what the "Yikes" was all about. I thought it would be a comedy, but it had a surprisingly sad end, which I was not expecting. I thought it was very creative and it did make me laugh at times, nice job!
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion you should continue this or make it into an actual story because it is really good and it left me wanting more. I really did not expect that ending and the title immediately caught my attention. I really want to know what inspired you to write this story. Overall, great story line and well put together.
ReplyDeleteThe beginning of this story had me hooked immediately. The use of the flashback and backstory to fast-forward this flash fiction. I could not believe the story progressed as it did with such a tragic ending with perplexing love connections.
ReplyDeleteYour story was very interesting! Having all these unexpected outcomes to this situation made me the reader look forward to finishing the narrative in order to see how the story unraveled in the end. It was a good read and the end was shocking!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a great story! I loved how as soon as story started it caught my attention then I also liked how you made it funny for a while with the whole dating for 2 months. It was a major plot twist at the end that had me shook. Great story I loved it!
ReplyDeleteJust by reading the title I was already interested in your story. You left me wanting to read more from the start. I liked how you jumped straight into it and I constantly felt myself mimicking the character’s emotions throughout the story. This was a great job.
ReplyDeleteYour story took me on an emotional rollercoaster. You condensed such an intricate story yet still managed to keep the storyline intact. I think what really differentiates your story from others is your use of dialogue; It felt as if I were reading a play-write. The plot twists had me sitting on the edge of my seat and I believe you did an excellent job of keeping your reader interested. I think "Yikes" really does capture the essence of your story.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely loved the unusual pot twist.It caught me by surprise, making me guess about the future events that would take place. You grabbed me in and kept me interested all the way till the tragic ending. The ending also caught me by surprise, since i was not expecting an accident at all. You went from such a simple and innocent story, to a more creepy and uncomfortable description, allowing me to be entertained throughout all of it.
ReplyDeleteImmediately from the start I could sense your usage of plot twists and your technique of changing the points of view. The plot twists really help to convey the confusion and turmoil the characters are facing you should definitely consider making a second part. Overall I think it's a great piece.
ReplyDeleteI really liked how you told the story. Rather than using long descriptions, you used the characters' dialogue to tell the story and it makes it feel more real and moving. The twist about the relationship really caught me off guard and made me want to know more. How the characters reacted to the realization was really realistic, and how their panic sadly led to their deaths was really good too. I really liked this story.
ReplyDeleteAt first I wasn't sure about the story, I thought it would be a simple story about someone being scared. THEN once I read it I was okay this isn't bad, then came the plot twist. YOU did a really good job with this story. It was nice and to the point, and didn't focus on details to much. Good job.
Delete-Spencer Campbell