It was quiet at school
today. A serial killer murdered a family. We had a moment of silence for them
you can hear the quiet sobbing of the ones that knew them. When I got home my
parents were quiet it was the regular routine I did homework, ate, got ready
for bed. I fell asleep… until I heard the handle on the door jiggle. A man in
black with a mask walked in. The light from the hallway was too bright I
couldn’t see the mans face. He was holding my mother’s body in his hands. He
started to slowly write something on the wall with her blood. I couldn’t read
it, I slowly pretended as if I was
sleep. He slowly put my mother down and walked to my bed and went under my bed.
I was trying to read it, but I couldn’t. My heart was pumping so fast it was
hard to control my breathing. As I was staring at my wall I was slowly able to
read it. Finally my eyes adjusted to the darkness it read, “ I know you’re
awake…”I felt him move under my bed. There was a silence
for what felt like hours, I couldn't move to get my phone or check the time.
All I could do was sit there and pray. He started to speak again, " Good
morning." The knife pierced the mattress by my head... I woke up
screaming, my parents came running in the room trying to calm me down. I looked
at my mother, she was breathing and had a worried look on her face, she was
alive. My parents tried to calm me down and asked me what was wrong I told them
my dream they looked at each other a worried facial expression and said that I
didn't have to go to school. Later, that week we were packed up and moving.
They told me that dad got a new job that's why we moved, but I know it's
because of my dream and what happened in the neighborhood. Weeks went by but
the dreams never stopped and every dream he would get closer and closer to
killing me. He cut me with a knife One time and when I woke up I was bleeding.
I tried to tell my parents but they didn't believe me. I wish they would've
believed me. The good thing is that I don't have those dreams anymore, the bad
thing is that I miss my mom and dad. But it's OK my nice friend that flies with
a circle over his head says that I will see them soon.
Find the shape and tell it!
When I was reading about your dream, I felt like I was there in the moment and the dream felt so real. If that was my dream, I would have been scared. This dream you had really left me speechless and shocked. Honestly, if I had a dream like that scary about a serial killer underneath my bed and using my mom's blood to write a note and I woke up from it I would have started crying. This story was interesting though.
ReplyDeleteAshley Sung
The plot to this story was extremely captivating. I was left with a sense of fear at the end. I like how at the end you left it to the reader's interpretation as to what happened to your parents. I think that's one of the best parts of horror stories, when they end it on a cliff hanger or leave the story open ended. The line at the end definitely ties the story all together.
ReplyDeleteThis piece was amazing! The two leading sentences really draws the reader into the suspenseful story. Each line was written very concisely and compelled me to continue reading as the plot unraveled. You wrote with such immense detail that the dreams were so vivid it gave me the uncomfortable feeling you receive after watching a scary movie. Overall this was an interesting, spooky piece that fit the theme for the month. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThis piece was really cool. It had my attention the entire time and really put me in the spooky spirit. I really enjoy scary stories and this was a really great one. There was a lot of little details which provided imagery to the reader. One thing that I liked was that the story leaves the reader wondering what happened to the parents. This forces the reader to be involved in the piece and create their own ending.
ReplyDeleteThis piece gave me chills! I felt very scared as I was reading this. The use of dark imagery helps in the flow of your overall story. Great use of small details and that helped with the tone of the piece. Very well done. Also, each line was very well constructed that it persuaded the reader to keep reading. Good job!
ReplyDeleteAs I was reading your work, I began to feel as though someone was in the room with me as well. Your style of writing makes me feel as if I'm having the dream myself and witnessing the horrific nightmares of a man with a bloody knife trying to pursue me. I enjoyed how the story opened with the narrator describing the untimely and unfortunate death of another family and ended with him being the victim. The ending had a really good plot twist with the narrator stating that he no longer has the scary dreams anymore, but the audience is aware that he is dead. Great use of irony! Besides the need to fix some punctual errors, I truly enjoyed reading your frightening Halloween piece!
ReplyDeleteThis was so suspenseful and kept me at the edge of my seat! I literally had both my hands over my mouth as I read the whole story. You wrote it with such gory and detailed imagery, which gives the readers an explicit illustration in their heads. The build-up was powerful, and the ending was a great way of closing the intense plot. My only critique is to correct some of the grammar mistakes and sentence structure. But overall, amazing job!
ReplyDeleteOnce I started reading this piece, I didn't want to stop. This story was so captivating and suspenseful. I loved the imagery you conveyed when describing the man in your room. The ending was my favorite part because it was such a plot twist! There were a few grammar and punctual errors, but the story itself was amazing and eerie.
ReplyDeleteThis story initially attracted me when I read "serial killer", which is morbid but certainly helped reel me in. I especially enjoyed this story for the changes in point of view and the reality and dream world. The combination of dreams as reality is a very interesting concept that worked really well in this story. Although the ending was tragic, I was really pleased by the way the story ended because not every story has a happy ending, and that's something I really appreciate.
ReplyDeleteThis was so good, I loved the hint of angels at the end. This was really captivating, you had me hooked after the second sentence. I loved that you connected it so well, it was as if it was a dream within a dream. It really fit with the theme of Halloween, I really loved this. Great job.
ReplyDeleteYour story was really gripping and heart-pounding. I really had that disturbed feeling when the murderer wrote "I know you're awake" and how the narrator felt him move under the bed. It truly had me captivated to the end and had me feel great sympathy for the narrator when she died. Great story with excellent use of detail and emotion.
ReplyDeleteThis piece really drew me in it was so intense. I actually felt scared for the characters and I couldn't read it fast enough to match my eagerness to know what was going to happen next. I liked how the font was in my face, it added on to the level of intensity. The ending of the story was also really creative for it provided just enough imagery for the reader to figure out what happened. Great piece!
ReplyDeleteYour story of your dream that you had was great! I liked how I was able to tell the fear that you went through. Great job.
ReplyDeleteYour story is amazing! The sixth sentence really made me tense up a little bit and my heart started pounding faster. I was curious to see if the dreams the character was have were real or not. The ending made me very sad, but also made me smile since the character was not have anymore bad dreams. Good Job!
ReplyDeleteThis story gave me a sense of thrill and shock, especially the part where the killer nearly stabbed you in the head and where your dream became realistic and you found blood on yourself when you woke up. However, the last sentence Left me questioning whether you were alive or not because you saw the angel.
ReplyDeleteThis story had me reading as fast as I can! It was so good and took me on a rollercoaster of emotions. At first I was sad because that girl at her school died, then I got anxious because of her dream, after that I started to get nervous for her safety and at the end I was sad for her. It was really cool how you indirectly told us her parents were killed and waited until the end to do so.
ReplyDeleteI love how you began the story, the first two sentences immediately drew my attention. They gave off a sense as if what occurred was something casual which drew my curiosity to continue to read. The detail in each sentence makes the story become quite vivid and makes me feel the fear and anxiousness. Great job!
ReplyDeleteWhen I was reading this I felt like the girl who was having the dream...I felt the fear and the pain.This story did a great job of drawing me in once I started I couldn't stop.I especially enjoyed the ending it was a great way to end the story and still connecting to the story and the girl's dream.
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, I did not expect that ending of the poem and that was very good I must say. I was upset though because of how your character had her life taken away from this mad man. I enjoyed your use of imagery to describe the little angel at the end, and also how you used imagery to describe the situation you were in when the "man" was in the room. Your piece was well-written so good job!
ReplyDeleteThis got real and hooked me right when you said my family was murdered, and my eyes started to open widely. I started reading and I was just still thinking about that hook. Love your story, especially love your first two sentences. Great work and awesome job on the story
ReplyDeleteThis seemed so intense. They way everything in the story kept reading on to the next event and on and on, it kept me reading and wanted it to keep going. I love the last line that was used to tie everything together, symbolizing something godly.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is wow. I might actually be afraid to sleep tonight. This story is incredibly spooky. The entire time I was reading it, I was sitting at the edge of my seat waiting to know what happened next. By the first two sentences, I would have not thought that the main character would take on nightmares that became a reality. This is an amazing story that puts readers in the ight mood for Halloween. Good job.
ReplyDeleteYour character seemed innocent almost like she's blind or oblivious to what she's actually gone through. This definitely is flash fiction but I wish there would've been more. It's an interesting story base with a spooky October feel but some questions do still remain. I noticed the shift in your piece which was cool element. Overall it was a good read.
ReplyDeleteThis was a really good story. It had elements that were perfect for October as there was suspense and creepiness throughout the story. You were very descriptive and it helped add to the suspense of the story. Very well written and the story was very interesting. Good Job.
ReplyDeleteUsually when reading a piece or when listening to someones recollection of their dream, its difficult to fully comprehend the feelings they obtained and visualizations. However, due to your incredible details and how well you articulated the story, I feel as though I may have dreamt that as well. spoooky
ReplyDeleteNiyah!This was a great piece to read. I think you did a good job with the use of detail throughout the story and kept the readers on the edge of their seat waiting to see what happens next. Although the ending was sad it was a great twist. Overall this is a good job.
ReplyDeleteThis piece was very enjoyable to read. When describing the dreams i felt as if I could picture what was happening in them. Also how the plot took an unexpected turn towards the end with how the main character moved just because of the dreams. Overall this was a very interesting piece to read through
ReplyDeleteThis story really helps us to blur reality and fiction, I enjoyed how you transition between reality and fiction when the character wakes up and finds everything to be ok.
ReplyDeleteYour story really grasped me and pulled me in. Especially right now doing these comments at night, almost about to fall asleep when I was really getting into it I heard a bang from outside and actually jumped. I like stories with a twist, so I got very excited at the end when the little girl said, "I wish they would've believed me" because I knew that the little girl had probably passed away.But the thing i really liked was how you never told us what exactly happened to the girl. we are left to guess and come up with an explanation on our own.
ReplyDeleteThis story was very well written. Your "dream" made me feel scared for the child. You did a really good job of conveying feelings of fear and uncertainty which was done through the vivid imagery you painted for the audience. I was really caught off guard when you revealed that the child would see their parents again but that they were in the company of an Angel. It was a really nice plot-twist to end the suspenseful story. Good Job!
ReplyDeleteThe story got more interesting as I read through it. The way you utilized both sound and visual imagery to describe a dream the child had made it easier to visualize the actual serial killer's appearance and the blood on the wall. I was confused towards the end however, but you made it clear as you concluded your story. I was unaware of the character you described at the end but the "circle" ended up being a halo, one that rests atop of an angel. This story was written with great emphasis and description. Well done!
ReplyDeletethis peice was amazing the way you utilized very dark and ominous elements of this dreamlike world leads the reader into a scry suspense. I belive that you ended this story perfectly by showing that you see each death in your dream and then you make it your own reality. amazing story.
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ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the scare that you gave me as the reader. It was very suspenseful and gave me chills. My only problem with the story were the amount of punctuation errors. It made it difficult to read sometimes, but other than that, the story was still good. The imagery you used made the story that much more suspenseful and made me nervous of sleeping tonight. The ending also left me intrigued and was ominous. Overall, the story was well written but suffered punctuation errors that hindered the story a bit. Wow Niyah, great moves. Keep it up. Proud of you.
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