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Monday, October 24, 2016
"The Little Girl With a Black Dress that Said 'Yes Please'" by Frida V
Once upon a time, there was a little girl that wore a dress of blood red and shoes of dark black
with steel bottoms that can be heard from about three tall thick oak trees. The little girl carried
no name or knowledge of what she really is or is not. She never thought of that in general and
rather not at all. The little girl was polite and always said “yes please” and thank you” when she
had to. By and by, the little girl went on dragging her feet from the heavy steel bottoms that can
be heard for miles and miles on end with that click clack and screech screech of her little black
shoes being dragged and eventually feeling numb. Her precious white socks turning the same
color of the blood red dress. Her feet was becoming of the color of her little dress as it blistered
like the rose’s thorns she carried for a potion for someone with great power. Carrying books and
potions for the one wizard they call Lady Agony. Lady Agony was a lady of spirits and the spirit
of Hallow Ween forest that greeted and decorated the forest in bright orange and black with
unlucky cats and filthy rats in the path. Lady Agony was a pure sweet woman in her mid-40,000
and only 40,000. It is considered very young. More about Hallow Ween forest is that it's dark
and the fog is thick and feels heavy and even humid that you can only see in the distance the
pumpkins that were carved in no happy smiles but scary grins. Back to her little apprentice in
the red dress. As she was strolling down the dark woods of Halloween forest, she came across
a man that was gentle and sweet, yet he was looking for something to eat. He asked the little
girl, “Why my dear, why must you carry so much, would you let me help you with that?” “Yes
please” the girl responded. With a flash of silver, she was not carrying so much anymore as she
started to quiver of the limb that was just lost and turned into frost. She went on ahead and
stumbled with two lovely and tender woman that towered over the girl that wore the blood red
dress that was made redder from the nice gentlemen. The two sweet ladies with the age of
eighty said to girl as if the they were in tune, “Why my dear, you look to be carrying a lot, would
you let us help you with that?” “Yes please” the girl with a plea responded. With two flashes of
metal and iron and a heavy wind of the ladies with the age of eighty that left with a grin. The little
girl, carrying nothing but the weight of the dress arrives to Lady Agony. “My lady, i have nothing
to give you but what has become of my dress”. Lady Agony stares at her dress and replies, “Is
quite alright my dear, would you let me ease your pain?”. With flashes of silver, metal, iron, and
steel, the little girl with the little black dress said, “Yes Please”.
I enjoyed how you encompassed multiple aspects of a Halloween or spooky story into this one. I originally thought the story would be about a girl on Halloween but the excessive imagery and personification you used created what sounded like a child's tale. Near the end, you also gave an almost "rhyme-ish" feel to the story and the fact its read like a lullaby but spoke about giving to Lady Agony was very creative and somewhat ironic. The dynamics of this story were really impressive, good job:)
ReplyDeleteI love that your story has do with Halloween since its right around the corner, it gave it a more pleasing read. Your use of detail throughout the story created a picture in my head that allowed me to imagine it the whole time I was reading, your imagery was amazing! I enjoyed reading this because its not like other stories, its random which I like.
ReplyDeleteThe maturity in your writing style is absolutely amazing. Your diction and syntax made this very evident. You told the story in a way that transcended just the normal "telling" of a story and entered the realm of "showing" a story that is much more stimulating to a reader, which is something only the best of writers have been able to achieve. The rhythm of the piece was beautiful and contrasted heavily with the darker elements of the piece. Amazingly done!
ReplyDeleteI absolutely loved your correlation of dark imagery and tone which correlated perfectly during this month of October. The story was intriguing and enticing, and you also executed it in a way that incorporated vivid and detailed imagery, as well as your excellent usage of onomatopoeia, and sense of touch that allowed me to gain an omniscient view of your story. Excellent job!
ReplyDeleteThis was a really great story! This really fits the atmosphere as October is the month of Halloween. This story has a sense of familiarity to it just like those tails that are told from parents to their children. I really enjoyed reading this and great job overall!
ReplyDeleteThis piece is really well tied to the October setting and Halloween. The imagery and characterization of the story was very creative and made this story an overall good read.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your narrative and the repetitive detail choices that added greatly to your style. The diction and repetition of simple details added maturity to the writing. The reader quickly became familiar with the little girl in a blood red dress throughout the tidbit descriptions of herself, her actions and even a glimpse into her feelings or pain as her adventure was physically wearing her down. The conclusion did just the opposite of summing up the narrative and that's a conclusion in itself to the tone of the story.
ReplyDeleteThe eerie tone was perfect for the month of October! I really loved how you enhanced your writing with the dark visual imagery of the blood red dress and the heavy, black, metal shoes. Also, not a lot of stories have the usage of onomatopoeia however, you incorporated it very smoothly throughout yours. Overall you did an excellent job!
ReplyDeleteThis is such a spooky story with so many elements shrouded in mystery like the shifts in color, the various strangers the girl encounters, and the eerie imagery. Your diction is very unique and accompanies the story very well. I especially enjoyed the shoe imagery because you don't only visualize them, but you also hear the shoes as the girl walks. I really enjoyed readying this creepy piece, thank you for creating it.
ReplyDeleteYour story really scared me! It is such a great piece and is perfect for the Halloween season. Your choice of words was very detailed and the imagery was very descriptive. I almost felt like I was part of the story! Great job on your piece.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great story, I love the dark imagery used though out. It allowed me to envision vividly the little girl walking her way through with her clicking shoes. You did a great job going into detail on Lady Agony and the forest to give the readers a sense of familiarity. Great Job!
ReplyDeleteCool story! You're vivid imagery was what really gave this story it's dark and yet innocent tone. Although, I probably should have read this around Halloween time, it served its purpose nonetheless and creeped me out. I wish I could have seen some of your illustrations to go with it :)
ReplyDeleteThis is a simple, yet enjoyable halloween story! The rhyme scheme that you have adds another aspect of the story allowing the reader to have some fun in reading the story. Also the imagery that you use truly allows us to dive into the halloween mood and create these darker pictures of the characters which is perfect for the season. Good job!
ReplyDelete-Kynoa V
Your story kept me hooked as I was wondering about the mystery of the girl, I think it fits very well for Halloween and it definitely has some horror and mystery vibes. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI liked the "yes please" that was said by the young girl, it really kept a constant throughout the short story. I also really like the inputs here and there of the Halloween flair. With the forest and the blood imagery provided with the dress and eventually her socks. story was very enjoyable and also kept you on your toes.
ReplyDeleteI had chills as I read your story!!!! I loved the dark imagery and tone you had in the story, it goes along with Halloween. I enjoyed the details and the structure of your story. The repetition of "yes please" by the little girl says a lot about her character yet still leaves me questioned and unknowing about her true character. You were able to describe something yet maintain the suspense.... you know what I'm saying? But over all, this was a very enjoyable piece and you were able to enchant me through every sentence.
ReplyDeleteHey Frito nice story kinda creepy though because it could have been creepier, to me it kinda felt like a little red riding hood esc story and that's what creeped me out. But I wasn't as creeped out cuz of lines like this "carved in no happy smiles but scary grins". Creepy line but if it had more description it could have been better but good story none the less
ReplyDelete