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Tuesday, August 30, 2016

"Untitled" by Tyler R


     Hearing voices in his head was one thing but waking up falling from 10,000 feet was
definitely a clear sign that Oliver's life was changing. Considering his 18th birthday had just
passed and his mother did tell him his life is going to become “harder” he was thinking more
along the lines of getting a job and providing for himself rather than teaching himself how to fly
seconds before he became another huge stain on the paved road. This isn't the first experience
he's had with this weird stuff either, at age 10 he was hit by a car face first and when the
paramedics arrived they assumed the driver had accelerated head on into a tree or maybe a
small building. His mother claimed his father was a drifter and a loaner, and until they got
married, very briefly, there seemed to be something unnatural and special about him that made
him stand out from everyone else. She said how he was always so perplexed and interested by
her and when they were together reality seemed to slip away and she knew he would never
leave her by choice. These were many of the numerous explanations Oliver's mother has told
him since he was a child but now that he is an adult Oliver won't stop until he finds the truth
about his father as well as his own identity. His mom told him to trust the gifts he was given in
order to know where to go, but he hardly knew what his gifts were other than the fact that he
had a keen instinct to survive and become one with his surroundings. When he found himself
lost or unsure of himself he found comfort in surrendering his mind and body to the most natural
setting he could find, his backyard. Although his home isn't the most rural location in Southern
California when he clears his mind and accumulates himself with the earth and the world around
him his senses are intensified and he could begin to listen to the soft voices of the winds urging
him to join in their dance in the skies. So he began his journey to follow the winds of the world in
hopes to find any sign of his father or who he is. The first step was to fly, which he has done
before but once again the thought of turning into a human pancake is motivation enough to do
anything. He emptied his mind and willed the winds to carry him into the air as if he was a
feather in the wind and before he knew it there he floated 6 ft above his terrace. With his mind
cleared he closed his eyes and allowed the winds to carry him along with the rest of the leaves
and debris from trees and brussels around him and hoped that he wasn't led astray. When he
opened his eyes Oliver found himself in a plethora of vegetation and exotic creatures of all sorts
ranging from muskrats with wings to gorillas with orange fur. Oliver found the plant life was
peculiar as well not only were there Venus flytraps ,which he had never seen before, but there
were literally plants moving as if they were animals eating insects and smaller plants but not
paying any mind to the ominous herbivores surrounding them. Oliver said aloud, “Where the
heck am i?” and almost immediately he heard a tiny voice say, “Your home sir”. “Who said
that?”, Oliver exclaimed and again he heard the voice from right near his foot where he had
once seen the muskrat with wings, “I did sir”. He couldn't believe he was talking to this incredible
animal but beyond that he wondered why none of this felt incredibly impossible or weird, as if he
belonged there. “Where exactly are we?” Oliver asked. A deep and warm voice answered,
“Celestuis. The home of the earth God.” A burning sensation filled Oliver's stomach as the man
began to mouth the words “Welcome home son.”

35 comments:

  1. Interesting Story, Tyler. It gives me the "Shutter Island" type vibe. I like the part at which Oliver goes to his backyard and "fly" into this alien world, at which seems like a hallucination to me.

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  2. Woah, this is a really interesting story and concept! You knew the right words to put to keep me interested. I'm so curious to what would happen next. I totally did not expect that ending, with his father!!

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  3. I really like this story Tyler. It's really creative and the description of the garden was really interesting. The twist at the end really surprised me and how the character is the son of the Earth God made me really want to know more.

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  4. I really enjoyed the way you built up the story; starting with a mysterious power granted to a boy and ending it with what the power means. Furthermore, the imagery used in the story to describe the house, backyard, and the mysterious place really is the thing that gave life to the overall story. I am already waiting to know what will happen next.

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  5. I have always wanted to have the power to talk to animals so this is amazing! I really like how you started the story with him falling because that grabbed my attention and made me want to keep reading. The story was very descriptive which I liked because it helps the audience follow the story. I also loved how you ended the piece. It left me wanting to know more about this place and what exactly is going to happen with his father. Great job Tyler!

    -Katie Strain

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  6. I really like how detailed this piece is. There is so much vivid imagery placed within this, it is well written, organized and extremely creative. Honestly, you created something so original and amazing! I enjoyed the piece very much, my only critique would be that it took you long to establish the setting and the significance of the piece which was kind of hard to follow at the beginning. But once the reader was caught up on this, the story was captivating.

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  7. This story really grabbed my attention within the first few sentences with the climactic actions and vivid use of imagery. I liked the use of mythology and fiction the most. These kind of stories always interest me because its a way to escape into reading and you honestly did a really good job at telling this story. I wish there was more to read after Oliver met his real father and realized he was a God. Plus, the way the story progressed was quick and to the point but still had enough detail to give the audience a chance to place themselves in the story.

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  8. The title of this piece is what really sparked my interest to read your post. I was drawn in with all of the imagery used yo describe Oliver and his surroundings. I thought your idea for this story was creative, as I personally enjoy reading stories that take me outside of this world and into another, which you executed well in my opinion. Although your story was intriguing, I think that varying your sentence structure and using more commas to avoid run on sentences could help this story come to life even more. Overall awesome story line, I wish I could read more!

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  9. This was a very nice story. In the beginning it caught my attention when the character encountered accidents, but ended up staying alive. I liked the imagery you used to describe the characters surroundings and the mythical creature he encountered giving me a visual image and the twist at the end caught me off guard. Good Job!

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  10. When I first chose to read this I was very intrigued by the simplistic title. The outstanding use of detail and figurative language transported me into the story and kept my attention until the very end. You did an outstanding job with this peace and I would be interested in reading more about this.

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  12. Very well written, the way you utilize a very simple yet very descriptive way of writing. I appreciate the way you give a clear-cut visual representation of the hardships Oliver went through. Very well written, especially towards the end when Oliver was having a full on conversation, putting us as the reader into his shoes to give a good understanding of his situation.
    -Daniel Ramirez

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  13. Initially the title grabbed my attention because with that title this story could be about anything! I had no Idea what I was in for but I'm pleasantly surprised. The storyline is definitely one I've never heard before, equally creative and original. The amount of detail helped create a vivid image of the "home of the earth God". I wish there was more. Great job!

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  14. Great story. Love how it is written. This story is something that I would enjoy reading on my spare time if it was a whole book or series. I love the great imagery provided and the emotion that runs through the story. Great job!

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  16. I really love your writing style Tyler. The imagery was extremely vivid especially when you say, "when he clears his mind and accumulates himself with the earth and the world around him his senses are intensified and he could begin to listen to the soft voices of the winds urging him to join in their dance in the skies." I felt like this was about a boy who was focused on the realities of life but then he just let go and spread his wings and in this way he learned so much more about not only himself but the world around him from such a different perspective. I love that Oliver found out his father was a God and I hope you continue this story in all honesty. It is extremely creative and it immediately grabbed my attention. Amazing job!

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  17. WOW! What vivid imagery and eye catching description this feels like a preview to an extraordinary novel. I can relate to Oliver because I too try to clear my mind and enjoy Mother Nature around me. I love the metaphor you used when comparing a feather to the character's free will to fly. The overall journey of finding his father was exciting yet what a twist I wouldn't expect to find. I'm curious of what's next :)

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  18. This story really makes a person want to keep on reading because of the details you used. It was like I was in the story myself and your imagination was very creative. Good job and keep writing more!

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  19. I found this story to be very interesting and I especially liked how you gave the reader a sense of what was to come with your foreshadowing of the teenager falling from the sky in the introduction. Furthermore, you did a good job in creating vivid imagery in your description of the world that the teenage boy discovered which helped me to envision what the world looked like. I would like to add that I enjoyed how creative the story was. Great job!

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  20. The title and general format of the story is very telling of one idea, clarity. It's an interesting deviation from the usual way of telling a fantasy or fiction piece which is usually fantastical and full of overplayed grandeur. This story is very enjoyable to read because it's so reader-friendly and that's where the charm of it stems from.

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  21. This story had me hooked from the very beginning. I absolutely love the concept for your story, you could really go far with this. The ideas and characters are very original and I would be very interested in reading more. However, it could be improved by slowing down the character development and providing a bit more detail about the setting as well as Oliver's back story. Also, it is a little hard to follow in its current format. If you were to divide it into smaller paragraphs and avoid using too many run on sentences, it would be a much easier read. I have experienced similar issues with character development, and a bit of advice that helped me was to think of the character you're introducing as a person you just met that you're trying to get to know. Think about what you would want to know about them and answer those questions first, then go back and add extra details after writing down the basics. Its great so far and I would love to read the rest!

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  22. This story had me hooked from the very beginning. I absolutely love the concept for your story, you could really go far with this. The ideas and characters are very original and I would be very interested in reading more. However, it could be improved by slowing down the character development and providing a bit more detail about the setting as well as Oliver's back story. Also, it is a little hard to follow in its current format. If you were to divide it into smaller paragraphs and avoid using too many run on sentences, it would be a much easier read. I have experienced similar issues with character development, and a bit of advice that helped me was to think of the character you're introducing as a person you just met that you're trying to get to know. Think about what you would want to know about them and answer those questions first, then go back and add extra details after writing down the basics. Its great so far and I would love to read the rest!

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  23. This story really created some vivid imagery that kept me locked in. Great plot and twist at the end with the father. I didnt see that coming. It was easy for me to visualize the story happening and with a cliff hanger you have left me wanting more. GOOD JOB!

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  24. This story had me intrigued since the moment I saw that the tile was "untitled", it caught my attention because it made it like a mystery that you build up in your mind and as you read the story the mystery unfolds. I loved the way that you gave details on your surroundings because it helped me as the reader to imagine everything that is being said in the story. I also felt that the story had its own deep meaning to it and I know that a lot of people go thru situations where children do not feel at home and the message that i got from your story was that Oliver finally became an adult and let go of everything and left to where he belonged.

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  26. Your creativity in your work is absolutely amazing. Also your use of imagery is excellent, especially in the description of the character's father, Celestius, and the backyard. I was able to imagine what you were describing because of the use of auditory and visual imagery. This story, if i'm interpreting it correctly, has a powerful message in finding yourself. I perceived Celestius representing something unique that allows yourself to stand out, and the "flying" represents exploring different paths in order to find what is unique about you or who you are meant to be. I thought that was a very creative way of expressing this message, and even if that interpretation wasn't what you meant, it takes nothing away from the amount of effort and creativity put into it. Some input is that there might be too much sentences that kept on going and one or two spelling errors, but other than that, it was an enjoyable piece.

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  28. Moe Assaf
    I love how this almost relates to my life and my stress when turning 18 and about to go to college. Its a huge deal and its hard to make decisions based on what your peers, parents, or others that influence your choices. I understand the stress of this 18 year old because I can relate to it. A very well done paper.

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  29. I really like your usage of surreal elements, it reminds me of books such as "Alice in Wonderland" and a movie named "Midnight in Paris". The opening was especially superb, it dragged me in and wanted me to learn more about the condition of the mentioned protagonist. I also like your choice in diction and imagery, it invokes the feeling of escaping reality in a positive way.

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  30. Your choice of magic realism brings a new taste to most real life pieces featured and it's a quick story that cover's most of the reader's curiosity although not all. I like that you left certain questions hanging such as: Why did his father leave? Does he create a new relationship with his father? And why had his mother kept it a secret? This story seemed inspired by many original works of mythological art including the use of mortals, gods, and demigods that stick to the basics of finding oneself through their past. This short entry is only the beginning to a great piece of work with an ultimate universal statement about discovering oneself, past, and future.

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  31. Interesting and Unique. This story is one that I've never heard before, I noticed and enjoyed the imagery you expressed in this piece and the happy ending the main character had been longing for. You should keep up the writing, this was special, the imagination and creativity behind it was amazing.

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  32. The first sentence was very good in I was intrigued to read more. It did a really good job in getting the reader to read more. It really got me into the story. Throughout the story it got a little hazy but once u keep reading the more it made sense. Overall i would say great job.

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  33. I like the detail in the story! It kept me interested, and the imagery was very nice.

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  34. This is quite an interesting piece. It almost seems to draw from the ancient myths of Greek mythology. Although he beginning could be written a little smoother, the ending more than makes up for it. The imagery of all the exotic plants and fantastical creatures really conveys an otherworldly, almost alien environment. I can almost see this story being made into a movie. Wonderful job!

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  35. I really love how well you gave the speaker Luna life throughout your cute story. It conveys a sense of innocence and tranquility, at least in my perspective. Since i have owned many pets in the past i empathize the experiences in which the speaker Luna, endures throughout the literary piece.

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