Tuesday, August 30, 2016
"The Tale of the Star Drake" by Mohammad A.
In the far away land of Exomace, where the water was shinier than diamonds, where the
trees were full of life, and where the sky was as crystal clear as the dew rested on a growing leaf.
Life was paradise, and King Pathos ruled peacefully alongside his majestic wife, Zileana. King
Pathos was not born noble, no, he was a young homeless peasant in search of his next meal.
Around the age of 12, he got a job at the local butcher and became a well known figure to the
common folk. On a hot summer day, after finishing his shift, he ventured through the middle of
town in which he spotted a crowd, and pushing and shoving he went until he spotted something
incredible, A little dragon and its owner. He became almost obsessed immediately and this
dragon was known as Nar, Fire. His owner, Jacob, was a fallen knight whose hair is pure, he was
built like an ox, and as bright as the Sun itself. He told tales about the Seven Dragon eggs of the
world and they included: Fire, Water, Earth, Air, Dark, Light, and greatest of them all, the
legendary Star drake. Not only is its existence questioned, but its power is beyond this universe.
All of the dragons, excluding the Star, were discovered, and were owned by The Knights Of the
King’s Circle, brave and noble knights that seek justice and purity. That day, King Lemont
spotted the boy and saw great potential and a son. He offered a spot in his family since his wife,
Queen Elizabeth could not have kids, and little did he know, he became a prince. At the Age of
20, he met the princess of Norway, Princess Zileana. A year later shortly before the wedding day
of Prince Pathos and Princess Zileana, there was a terrible war. Kog, Lord of the Lost Kingdom
Assaf 2 sought to rule both kingdoms. His wraith slaughtered hundreds of innocent lives and worst of all,the Knights of the Circle and their dragons. Kog was no ordinary man, but a demon fiend born
with one sole purpose, to rid the world of hope and purity,. His black magic gave birth to demons
and monstrous creatures unheard of which murdered hundreds of innocent lives only for his
amusement. He attacked viciously against King Lemont’s army and successfully slaughtered
piece by piece. The was no hope for Exomace and the valley rested upon the prince since the
king was dying of old age. There was only one thing that can save Exomace and its people and
that was the Star drake itself. The Prince and his nobleman went on a search to faraway lands
leaving but his Mother to rule in search of this mystical creature. After searching and searching,
nothing came up and by the time Pathos returned, Kog ruled alongside captured servant,
Zileana. Pathos felt there was no hope taking back his Kingdom until one morning near an amber
cave shined a crystal as the far as the eye can see. It was no ordinary crystal, it was the egg of the
Star drake. As he got closer, the egg started to glow and the more closer he got, the brighter it
got. As he reaches for the egg, the glow fades away, but the ground begins to shake the cave
which soon collapses onto itself. The dragon breaks free of its amber coating and rises into the
air as if it has been called. It's crystal clear body outlined stars seen in the dark sky with all of the
elements on its crown. The drake knew his purpose and so Pathos and his nobleman set off to
reclaim their kingdom. Soaring in the air, Pathos sees his kingdom dipped in darkness , fear, and
silence. Pathos drops his nobleman on the ground below and sours off with the Star drake. The
drake strikes from above like hell from above, and as the dragon takes on many, the nobleman
take on Kog’s demonic army and as a result, finally successfully make it through the castle. The
Star drake alongside Pathos and his noblemen were filled with bravery and encouragement, but it
Assaf 3 was not over yet, this would be for nothing if Kog was not dead. They venture through the
prickly stairs that await the knights and finally at the top, they spot Kog with Zileana. Pathos
noticed the drake backing off which showed that this was between him and kog his battle. They
draw their swords and began to strike, swords banging like the sound of thunder in the dark sky.
Pathos kicks back Kog and shortly after shatters both legs. On the ground, Kog reciting a ritual,
but before completing it, Pathos strikes him down. King Lemont’s legacy was saved by his son
and he ruled the kingdom alongside his brave nobleman, his queen, and his new friend he now
calls, Draco.
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14 comments:
I didn't understand why Pathos went on a quest to save his kingdom, only to find that the star drake was actually in a cave back home. But now i think i understand why. Pathos went on a whole, futile trip looking for answers, but what he needed was not far: what he was looking for was there all along. This could act as a self journey, in how you don't need to go far to find courage or yourself. Your dragon egg is there, you just need to look close enough.
- Nathaniel Velasquez
I loved this short story! I really enjoyed how you combined many fantasy tales into one short yet sweet little story. I like the Arabic reference to fire when you mention Nar. The only problem I had is that it was not long enough. I can definitely read a series of Pathos and his Star Drake. Other than some grammatical errors here and there, this story was definitely worth the read and really well done.
- Anthony Salhab
Amazing story! I love the use of imagery throughout it. Really shocked you was able to make this in 500 words! Only thing I have to say is that, it was kinda all over the place and it was rushed. But besides all that it was great and wouldn't mind reading more of these types of stories.
I really enjoyed the variety in this story and especially all of the allusions and references to books, history and even celebrities. It was fun reading about how all of the dragons were already caught and nurtured EXCEPT for the star Drake. You also used a lot of detail to portray the fight which i really enjoyed and allowed me to get a more depth of what was happening. I'm actually a really big Drake fan and the title definitely threw me off, but that is okay because the spontaneous outburst throughout the story wouldn't let me stop reading. Great story!
Your Introduction was an extreme Attention Grabber and it allowed me to easily visualize the Kingdom. The one thing that excited me the most is that you didn't let your imagery die down, you kept it consistent throughout the whole story. I could visualize the start of Pathos's journey all the way throughout the story, to when Kog had been slain.
I loved the many various uses of imagery in this piece! It's evident that you have an imaginative mind that was demonstrated in the story. All the descriptions and characters were new and fresh, none that I've ever heard or read before, and the plot was very entertaining. I especially like that there was a portion in the story where Pathos, the protagonist, has a heart-breaking and almost hopeless feeling before the egg of Star Drake helped save the day. It's a unique concept of vulnerability in the hero before he finishes his heroic act. Great job!
Uh well then how am i gonna say something that hasn't already been said cuz everybody is talking about the wonderfully vivid imagery used in this very enticing short btw would read if you made this into a novel. well apart from imagery you had wonderful diction that truly showed your abilities in the art of writing which lead to everybody fawning over you wonderful words that truly made the world seem alive. But this story was not without mess ups the most prominent line that took me out of the experience of this fantasy story was "but it
Assaf 3 was not over yet". like what happened there what? their a more lines like this in the story in which yo messed up plan in simple with the grammar or point. though not a lot they were there i advise proofreading it twice before you finalize it.
My main compliment is how you created the atmosphere prior to introducing the story as to bring in the reader and also to not overwhelm the reader by giving to much information at one time during the story. Really high level writing throughout the story.
I really enjoyed this piece. It was extremely well written and I enjoyed the idea of the level of imagination that went to creating this piece. There was an incredible amount of detail for a story of 500 words and you can tell the thought that went into creating this story. I especially enjoyed the the hero in the story and the build up to his act of heroism.
The imagery in your story was so amazing, the way you described the egg like the stars I could really picture it, it was really beautiful. I really loved the plot of your story and the way you resolved it was refreshing to see you didn't just cut right through the climax but drew it out to make it more interesting. I really loved it and I'd love to hear more!
- Lexa U
When I started reading your post, I was immediately entranced in your rich usage of imagery which paints a beautiful story.
There is an intricate style of introducing each character as well as their unique upcomings as if im watching a movie. Your use of such strong characterization as well as emotional imagery brings your story to life and made me extremely captivated with king pathos and his journey to become king alongside his dragon. Amazing and creative story.
The hook was amazing this short story is wonderful. I really like how you grabbed the reader with the hook. The tone and the atmosphere was great! The combination of characterization and the setting went together it was great! Good job!
The hook was amazing this short story is wonderful. I really like how you grabbed the reader with the hook. The tone and the atmosphere was great! The combination of characterization and the setting went together it was great! Good job!
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