"Words Left Unsaid" by Joelle B

                 

      If I got the chance to turn back the clock and redo everything since I first realized I liked him, I would. I’d do it in a heartbeat. I’d do everything differently and hope that maybe I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this. I didn’t take the chances when I had them. But I guess it might be because, it was so hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I had feelings for him. Also my feelings kept growing and growing for him (unlike anybody else) and that scared me to death. Mainly because I knew he was a senior and he’d be leaving to college soon and I didn’t want to set myself up to be hurt in the end. Instead I decided to deny it, deny him, deny my feelings, and most of all I denied my heart; so much that I kept pushing him and my feelings away. I now realized I was a cold-hearted monster unlike my usual self. What I realized to be one of the worst things in this situation, is how I was so focused on avoiding my feelings that I let the time we had left pass me by. I guess I was so scared of putting my guard down and letting anyone into my heart because of the fear of getting hurt. In the moments around him I don’t know what would happen, but I would just shut down and distance myself from him. I wish I could explain what I was feeling and how or why I shut down completely but, unfortunately, I don’t know the answer myself.  when I was finally ready to let my guard down and really change things, it was already too late. I hate that I didn’t give him a chance to really get to know me and I didn’t give myself the chance to get to know him and become closer to him the way I hoped. It’s as if something was holding me back and I cannot figure out what it was! I wish I could explain the heartache and anxiety I still get whenever I think about the time I wasted. Going back to school the next year and passing by all the places I used to see him and know he won’t be there led to a lot of regret and disappointment. If I had to choose one moment that I could take back, it would be the last one we had before his graduation. I regret not telling him how I truly felt, how much I was going to miss him, how happy I was that I met him, how wonderful and smart he is, how he is capable of anything and that he is going to get so far in life and so much more; but no, all I managed to say in that last moment was “bye” and gave him a cold hearted hug that had no emotion in it what so ever. What’s worse is I couldn’t even look him in the eye. And what kills me the most is that when I had let go, he was still holding on! Every time I think of that moment my heart shatters into a thousand pieces all over again.

      It is so crazy how something so little can mean the absolute world to someone. Every small compliment, every hug, every smile, and every wave that I’m sure meant nothing to him meant the world to me. Every single time something stupid happened like when he’d wave at me it would just make my day and I’d be so happy just from ONE, little wave! Yeah I know, pathetic. I could fill like 20 pages full of small amazing moments that meant everything to me (but that would just take forever). One thing I am going to really miss though, is how he made me feel every time I looked at him. Nothing like anything I’ve ever felt before. I’ve never liked someone as much as I’ve liked him. Nobody has ever made me feel the way he does! Although I am left here, exactly where I knew I’d end up and was afraid of feeling; I am so glad that I met him and got the privilege of knowing him the way I did (even though it wasn’t much). I also learned a lot from this experience. I learned that it is ok to step out of your comfort zone and to tell people how you truly feel and to take every chance and opportunity you get before it is too late. He will always have a special place in my heart. I just hope that one day I could have the courage to look into his gorgeous green eyes and tell him all of this myself!