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Tuesday, October 20, 2015

"Besieged" by Jakari T

      Black hung heavy in the atmosphere. My throat raw and salt streaming down the curves of my face, I stared at the set of eyes glaring back from the depths. They looked hungry, empty, searching for something to fill its hollow. I retreated behind my ramparts, and when I focused my eyes on the spot of the hollow one's dwelling, he had disappeared, moving through the shadows to reach my side without incident and rend the flesh from my bones. My lip began to quiver, and I looked to the cave off in the eastern lands for a more secure shelter. A being of many shapes, curves and angles stood upright at the height of giants, swaying in the murky air. Its face, lacking any definite or natural features, snapped back and forth at random intervals, searching for the next victim to add to its indecisive form. It creaked its head in a disjointed manner in my general direction, and tilted its head in acknowledgement. A slight whooshing sound enveloped the bubble I considered my safe haven, and an unnatural movement of a chilling breeze brushed against the cragged surface of my skin, elevating the peaks to absurd heights. And from underneath my bastion, ghastly wails mixed in with the sinister whispers of fiendish animations congealed into a mass of lost and vengeful souls, carrying off my own in the monsoon.

     I finally broke;”MOOOMMMY!!” After a period of silence, my desperate cry was answered with a radiant light and a pleasant and familiar countenance. “Why are you crying son?” “The monsters, there out to get me,” I whimpered. “Sweetie, this is why I tell you to close the door before bed. You know the answering machine has two flashing lights.” “That’s not all! I saw a big monster who kept changing in the cave.” “That's just your favorite Winnie the Poo doll. That thing is motion activated, so you have to turn it off before bed.” “ But what about the loud whooshing sounds and the cold air?” “That's just the cars passing by. We live on a busy street. And on these hot summer nights, we need to blast the A/C to survive,” she answered, in a drowsy but patient voice.”It's time you go back to bed, honey. You have a big day ahead of you tomorrow. It's your first day of kindergarten and you're probably just really excited. Sweet dreams.”

     The dimensions were severed, and I sat in the bleak dark once again. Everything was at peace, and I let down my ramparts. I could finally rest after such a long struggle for survival...but, the voices from down under refused to cease. Why didn't they stop? What was calling for me, beckoning for me to meet them in the underground...

15 comments:

  1. You had me engaged in the first paragraph and laughing in the next, great job with the unexpected plot twist! It's good to finally read something lighthearted and not as serious among the other serious Halloween stories! Definitely plus points for creativity!! Also, I especially enjoy the fact that you ended your story back in the perspective of the little boy's imagination, it makes the overall story even more comical and polished. I wish it were longer, but the brevity of the story itself is part of the charm. Again, great job!

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  2. I loved this piece. wow. The dark imagery you used was so very well executed. The setting was perfect. I didn´t expect such a scary and suspensful introduction and especially coming from such a young child, I think thats what threw me off the most i believe. The way you portrayed such vivid scenes in such little words is remarkable.
    -Alicia Alcaraz
    Period 5 Cogswell

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  3. I really enjoyed the dark imagery used in your first paragraph, and then I was very surprised but also somewhat pleased with the comedic outcome in the next paragraph. I think it's ironic how we laugh about a story like this now, but when we were younger we probably felt the same way as described in this piece. I really loved your word choice throughout the whole piece. Great job!

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  4. your writing is so interesting to read! your ability to incorporate and execute so gracefully the use of imagery and details really elevates the sophistication of the piece. On top of that, I loved how you introduced the story by offering the child's interpretation of the room and sounds around him which really added to how relatable the story is. Including the rational thought of the mother also served not only calm the child but also your readers!

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  5. You created really interesting imagery which contributed heavily to the intriguing plot. Good job of hooking the reader in. Great job afrojak!

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  6. You created really interesting imagery which contributed heavily to the intriguing plot. Good job of hooking the reader in. Great job afrojak!

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  7. Whoa, What!!! This story was such a trip. Its so strange. So much happens in only 3 paragraphs. This story is really poetic. I love it. Keep on writing!
    Michael Retana
    Period 1

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  8. The description and imagery really stood out in your writing; Especially when you described the seemingly faceless figure caused me to become enveloped in the moment as if the figure were looking at me. Really well done. Nice Job!
    Hunter Fierro
    Period 5
    Cogswell

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  9. This story is rich in imagery and is very good. I might not sleep tonight but this is a good spooky story. very well put and good details. awesome job.
    Alejandro Martinez
    period 1

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  10. Great Job Jakari! I loved the plot twist used in this story I thought it was very creative. I also loved how even after you swapped back to the real life portion of the story you stilled used words like "ramparts" and other terms for medieval defenses and weapons.

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  11. Through the first paragraph, I was intrigued by this mysterious monster that was conveyed through your use of dark, vivid imagery. This just helped create an even more chilling, ominous tone but as I got to the second paragraph, I was dying at the revelation of what the monster truly was. The evident tone shifts between the first and second paragraph helps provide an evident contrast between the fears of children and the reality of the situation that they fail to see. I thought this was very well written in showing what children's irrational fears of monsters are like.

    -Amber Tacderan
    Period 2

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  12. Within the first few sentences you had me hooked. The eerie sort of tone and mood that your writing gave off really gave me the chills and wanted to read more. I also loved your imagery and attention to detail as it provided more depth to the story for me. :)

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  13. A monster, bathed in the darkness of the surrounding world, creating an ever ominous, darkening tone. This piece's use of imagery and detail left chills running down the vertebrae of my spine, especially in shift from paragraph 1 to 2 in the work on the child's perspective. What an exonerating effort given by you Jakari, amazing job!

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  14. A monster, bathed in the darkness of the surrounding world, creating an ever ominous, darkening tone. This piece's use of imagery and detail left chills running down the vertebrae of my spine, especially in shift from paragraph 1 to 2 in the work on the child's perspective. What an exonerating effort given by you Jakari, amazing job!

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  15. This is such a compelling story!! I love how you made the whole story have such a dark and ominous tone. Even though Halloween is around the corner, I feel like this would be a good read any time of the year. This subject interests me very much and I love the shifts in tone and perspective.

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