Jason was sulking around the house, bored out of his mind, waiting for inspiration to hit him. He passed the loft and was surprised to see Tim on the floor with his face pressed against the laptop screen. Cans of Monster surrounded him, but Tim still struggled to stay awake.
And Jason has nothing better to do. So hee decided to stick around to annoy Tim.
“You know that stuff can kill you right? It’s called Monster . It’s basically telling you that it’s going to kill you,” Jason said while intruding Tim’s space.
Jason’s voice echoed throughout the loft and startled Tim. But he quickly regained his composure and rolled his eyes. “This is coming from the boy who smokes .”
“Hey! I’m trying to quit.”
Tim snorted and continued to type in silence. Jason sprawled himself across the floor and picked up a can of Monster and examined the contents. “Natural flavors? Natural flavors of what? Gasoline?”
“Cigarettes have arsenic, nicotine, ammonia, and so much more, and you’re lecturing me about natural flavors ?”
“I said that I was quitting! Besides, I’m just trying to watch out for you.”
Apparently, this strikes a nerve because Tim, finally, takes his eyes off the screen. “Did Dad send you in here? Look, I’m fine alright. I’ll sleep when I’m done.”
“What are you?” Just then, Jason noticed Tim’s face. The bags under his eyes seemed even darker because of the pastiness of his skin.
Jason quickly plastered the back of his hand against Tim’s forehead. Freezing. “Jeez, Timmy. When was the last time you slept? Or ate?”
“I’m fine ,” Tim emphasized.
“ When ? And I’m talking like a real good night’s sleep and meal.”
Tim huffed and muttered incomprehensibly.
“What?”
“I said ‘A few days.’”
“ A FEW DAYS?!?! ”
“I’m FINE !”
“ BULLSH** !” And right on cue, Tim let out a huge yawn. His eyes widened at the fact that his own body betrayed him.
Jason glared at Tim. And in one swift movement, he scooped up Tim and threw him over his shoulder.
“ HEY !” Tim shouted, wriggling in his brother’s grasp.
But Jason didn’t stop until he had reached Tim’s room and threw him ungracefully onto his bed.
Honestly, Tim would’ve argued with Jason. But as soon as his head hit the pillow, his eyelids began to droop.
“Jay, I really can’t. I have so much homework to do,” he mumbled.
“You work too hard. Take a break.”
“But.”
“Look. You’re going to sleep. And when you wake up, you’re going to eat. And then you’ll realize that the world didn’t explode just because you didn’t do your homework and then you’ll realize that you’re fine.”
By now, Tim’s eyes were closed and there was some soft snoring.
Jason eyes the permanent marker near Tim’s desk and is struck with inspiration. He can’t pass up the opportunity. He’s not that strong.
Tim woke up with colorful profanity on his forehead and a plate of food by his desk.
Find the shape and tell it!
I really loved this piece because it reminds me of myself because until this year have I pushed myself to the max in every aspect of my life.I learned this year that it is okay to take a break and let myself have fun and relax, that life should be a balance of enjoyment and work /school.
ReplyDeleteAhhhh yes, Vivian, knowing you I could see where you got the inspiration for this story as you always tell me how you have hallucinations of feet due to lack of sleep. I do rather miss hearing your stories in English because you have a certain sass and wit that translates well into your writing. My favorite example of this is "'You know that stuff can kill you right? It’s called Monster . It’s basically telling you that it’s going to kill you'". You really do have good control over language and I admire the verbs that you use such as "snorted and continued to type in silence", "plastered", "huffed and muttered incomprehensibly" because I swear this must be the first time they've been written on the blog. One thing I must nick you on is that you changed verb tenses in the middle of the story when you said "And Jason has nothing better to do" and again with "Jason eyes the permanent marker near Tim’s desk and is struck with inspiration. He can’t pass up the opportunity." However, those are the only errors I could find with this gem and I really did enjoy reading one of your stories once more, Big Toe.
ReplyDeleteThis story sums up my three years of high school. I really liked it, it was a relatable piece with great dialogue., I admire the relationships between the two brother and I love when Jason says, "you’ll realize that the world didn't explode just because you didn't do your homework and then you’ll realize that you’re fine.” Great message just from this line. Although school is important it is not the end of the world if we don't do our homework or get a good grade, although it may feel like it at the moment. Tim embodies every high schooler ever, snippets of information like " drinking monster" or "i'm almost done" make this piece very relatable and fun to read.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure that extreme sleep deprivation is something that nearly every High School Student Has experienced at one time or another. You do a great job of recreating the feelings that so many of us feel with a project due date, or a presentation looming on the horizon. I love how you were able to fit so many details into the story using only dialogue, it gives the characters a depth that is hard to find in stories this short. Your use of humor is also top-notch, working in witty lines throughout and ending on a comic note as if to remind readers that life goes on.
ReplyDeleteWell Done!
This sounds very similar to your life, accept from what you told me you really don't sleep. You did a great job on letting us in on what it takes to be number one. Great Job
ReplyDeleteNehemiah Barnett
Period 4
This story's great! It reminds me of something my own brother would do. I like the vivid details you included and commentary that really portray the sibling relationship.
ReplyDeleteVivian, this piece made me laugh at the end! Jason is that typical up to no good brother. I loved your story and how well you portrayed the two brothers. Their characters are completely different, but they compliment the story. Tim is the hardworking student where Jason is easy going and tries not to stress out. I liked how you created the dialogue in this story. Also, I liked how I could relate to this story, and knowing you, how important sleep is and how we both lack it. We all get caught up in things and forget how it's important to let our body rest. Overall, great story and good job!:)
ReplyDeleteThis story is so relevant, particularly to developing and maturing young men and women. Too many kids are so caught up in work that they are deprived of life itself. Malnutrition as well as lack of sleep can take horrible tolls on anyone, let alone maturing youth. I also liked your use of humor between the brothers and the imagery both of which really sold the story.
ReplyDelete-nate shepard p.1
Awhh! Vivian! I really loved this piece! In some ways its a pretty dead on interpretation of a college students life or just a really hard working students life. I loved the tone you used in this piece because it was really causal. The figure of Jason is like a typical "annoying" sibling who likes to bother their brother or sister but really do care for them and wantt he best for them. I also liked how you used imagery to tell the audience of how Tim looked with his sleep deprivation and what kind of setting we were "viewing". Excellent job Viv, I loved it!
ReplyDeleteVivian! Congratulations on a funny and very relatable piece. I particularly enjoyed this one, as it is a stark contrast to the sad submissions that I often comment on. Besides being impeccably well-written, I recognize that it is difficult to create something that everybody can relate to, and this piece certainly does the job. everybody has that friend, brother, sister, or parent that they can't help but look after for, even in spite of their own flaws. This characteristic of a loving and healthy relationship between two people is easily and deftly portrayed here. Congratulations again!
ReplyDeleteChloë A. Miller P5
I must say, this story is totally relatable! I know what it feels like to not sleep for a few days and then eventually giving in to the idea of sleep. I loved the tone the brother's used, it was witty yet caring and concerned. You did a beautiful job.
ReplyDelete~Kimberly Tsuyuki
Period 6
This story was really good and showed how there are times when siblings are there for one another and can still play jokes on each other. It was nice to see how his brother cared for him and helped him out by just telling him he needed a rest.
ReplyDeleteThis was cool to read, its likem how it nailed the normal college girl ,or any school person. showed theirs times family members are their
ReplyDeleteVivian, this piece was really awesome. This perfectly depicts the life and work ethic of several high school students, and more particularly college students that I know. The part that stood out to me the most was when Jason said "And then you’ll realize that the world didn’t explode just because you didn’t do your homework and then you’ll realize that you’re fine.” I really believe that this is such an important sentence that everyone needs to remember-- I mean, it is good to be determined and hardworking, but it is also important to remember that you DO need to take a break sometimes and if you miss one thing, life will go on. I'm really rather fond of this piece, amazing job, Vivian.
ReplyDeleteThis is a really great piece. I enjoyed the way the story was written and the humor throughout the story. I also liked the dialogue between the two siblings and found those parts very funny and enjoyable to read. This piece is very relatable to many students swamped with homework and portrays sleep deprivation in a humorous way. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteYour piece was too great! Like others have said, this is totally relatable to everyone. We've all been there where we had those sleepless nights because of homework. From your piece, I got that we, as students need to realize when to take a break and rest. Students with that much dedication deserves to rest because it really is unhealthy. I really liked how you portrayed the brothers, how Jason was so caring for his brother, though he still had the attitude of how siblings usually are to each other. Amazing!
ReplyDeleteGrace Panjaitan
Period4
This piece was really great and humorous! It's actually relatable for the fact that some of us have sleep deprivation. :( I myself suffer from occasional insomnia and all I want is sleep sometimes but it's funny how even your own body betrays you when you're awake or tired. Overall, this was really good because of how silly and true it is.
ReplyDeleteThis inevitably came off to me as a sort of aspiration of yours- not the whole addiction predicament, but the need to cease an everlasting case of restlessness. In regards to the piece however, I was automatically drawn to the lists of chemicals- hoping this piece would satisfy my adolescent cravings. It did. I enjoyed the simplicity of the exchange and the immediate resolution following. It really speaks out to the concept that we tend to over complicate things in our lives. That's just my take, however. Overall- fantastic job.
ReplyDeleteCreative Vivian,
ReplyDeleteThank you for this. Us AP students struggle as it is to get through mountains of work, so most of us can relate to this situation. ESPECIALLY YOU. AHEM. :D With that being said, I loved this hilarious scenario you conjured up. I mean, when Jason’s motives come clear to the light that his intentions were not exactly pure I honestly laughed. (This is far better than the laughtose intolerable joke) I hope you get more sleep.
Honestly,
Gian Velasquez
Vivian, I really enjoyed your piece. It was a great story that depicted the challenges that many of us AP students have to go through on a daily basis. Your story excellently used diction and imagery to portray the details associated with Tim's struggle to stay awake and do homework. I loved how you portrayed the two characters through the way they spoke to each other and how they acted. Great job!
ReplyDelete-Sophia Bobadilla
Period 1
Hey Vivian! Your piece was honestly really entertaining. It wasn't a story that had a overbearing message that made you question your entire life purpose, but rather a story, that although short, had plenty of detail if you read between the lines which is my favorite part about all of this, I think the best thing you did in this story was characterize Jason and Tim so well, that readers could probably envision each boy as a real person. The funniest thing about your piece though was the entire relationship between the two. I loved how you portrayed Jason's concern for Tim, but at the same time never let go of the idea that he also just wanted to mess around with him. Good Job, Vivian!
ReplyDeleteVivian, the characters were very believable and easy to relate to. You wrote such a simple story but the qualities of kindness the amount of care the character shows for one another is what makes the overall short story realistic. We can all relate to the story, but I enjoyed how life like the characters seem, and the fact that you wrote with such ease. It makes your entry seem effortless, but jam-packed with hidden meaning. Good Job!
ReplyDelete-Katelynn Gutierrez P.4
Vivian, I found your piece really really fun to read. I love how you started the story off with two brothers. It's easy for me to relate to because I also have a brother. It was a really easy story as well, but I do enjoy that you wrote about the sibling relationship of Jason and Tim. Its great to see how you portrayed a sibling relationship so well. This was a really entertaining story!
ReplyDeleteVivian, I found your piece really really fun to read. I love how you started the story off with two brothers. It's easy for me to relate to because I also have a brother. It was a really easy story as well, but I do enjoy that you wrote about the sibling relationship of Jason and Tim. Its great to see how you portrayed a sibling relationship so well. This was a really entertaining story!
ReplyDeleteI'm a little confused in that I don't know if the smoking was significant to the piece or not, but besides that it was great. The message that comes across is clear. We work too hard. Every AP kid knows the feeling of not doing important things such as sleeping in order to better our grade in school and the exaggeration of "a few days" helps get that message across. The contrast is Jason and his lightheartedness and how maybe we should be like him every once in a while and let go. And that's where I go back to my confusion because I think what you're trying to say is that we should be a little more like Jason but then again we shouldn't because he smokes. Maybe you're saying to find an in between. Again, a great piece and by no means does the cigarette thing degrade from it, it's just more of a curiosity than anything.
ReplyDeleteI thought that this story was cute. When I first started reading it, I thought it was going to be a lesson about drugs and what not, however, it was just a lesson about how sometimes, health comes before education, which not many people realize. I feel that you used drugs and the problem of being addicted to Monster as a way to pull the reader in, and you sure did. Good job!
ReplyDeleteVivian! After reading, my first impression was how well you portrayed the relationship between the two brothers. It somehow made your message so much more powerful after realizing that this could be something that I could imagine my sister and I going through. The thing I took from reading your work was how something positive, like trying to accomplish our aspirations, can lead to the deprivation of something else just as important, such as health or happiness. It just goes to show that it is never too late to reevaluate our priorities. Great job!!!
ReplyDeleteIsabelle Huynh
Per.1
Awww Vivian i love it! I absolutely love this piece. You definitely targeted the problem us teenagers face everyday in high school in regards to schoolwork. I especially love the message i picked up on that "the world does not end if you dont do your homework." I can relate to this piece entirely. Great work.
ReplyDeleteLeasia Spicer
Period 4
I especially enjoyed the ending of the piece when he woke up with colorful profanity on his forehead, but overall this story was really good! Many students put so much pressure on themselves do to their schoolwork that sometimes they go to extreme measures just to slip in that one assignment. I also kind of got this message that says that schoolwork isn't and shouldn't be the most important thing in our lives, because where is that going to put us in terms of happiness? Overall, I really liked the way the piece was written and the message it conveys, so great job!
ReplyDeleteAnthony Hurd
Period 4
This is exactly how I feel every day of school; sleep deprived and hungry. The dialogue is extremely relative and gives the reader a sense of connection even though most of us are probably like this anyway which makes it all the more relative. Great Job!
ReplyDeleteReading this truly brought a smile to my face, from beginning to end! I love the comic relief at the end of the story and the connection you used between the brothers to send the message that life is not all about working to death, we have to take time for ourselves. One homework assignment is not worth bad health nor is it the end of the world. Although, I found it disturbing that I couldn't stop thinking whether he got his assignment done...HOWEVER, great job!
ReplyDeleteOk. First off I have to say this piece made me laugh. Really hard. After I was done choking myself due to laughing too hard, I gave the story another read over. I love how accurately you depicted a sibling relationship, because while brothers do care for each other; they also love screwing with another. I found it very interesting how you depicted Jason as a habitual smoker. While this doesn't invalidate Jason's comments on Tim's behavior, I do believe this fact adds another piece of realism to the story. Being hypocritical is easy when looking after someone, a case of do as I say rather then do as I do. I also liked how you put the cause of Tim's workload as homework. While it's easy to laugh at a case of overworking due to homework, I have pulled multiple all-nighters to finish my homework and I know how taxing it can be. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThis story's really funny. Tim is me. Actually Tim is every student. This honestly made me laugh. I love how you were alluding to student problems and hypocrisy and so much more! This was a fun piece to read. Great job Vivian.
ReplyDeleteVivian, I enjoyed your piece thoroughly because it is something that I can relate to. As a student who takes A.P. classes, sleep deprivation and an attitude that borderlines paranoia is only too familiar, and I think you conveyed this very well in your piece. I like the irony that you use in your piece, as Jason, who is addicted to smoking, is worried that an energy drink will kill Tim, implying that people battling certain obstacles are still capable of helping others. I think this piece was very well written, and managed to be entertaining as well as insightful. Great job Vivian!
ReplyDeleteWow, Vivian! This was really great! The way you described the two boys and their relationship was well detailed for a short story. It shows compassion in the most contemporary way. I think people will connect with this as they understand what it makes to basically torture yourself trying to finish homework. I enjoyed your story and I wish this was an actual book!
ReplyDelete-Andrew Trinidad
Period 1
I really enjoyed this piece. The fact that the story is presented in a third person point of view really works well and gives it a different perspective. I like the relationship between the two brothers and argument over the Monsters was really clever and provided a little bit of insight on their relationship. The exchange of dialogue was great. Overall amazing piece.
ReplyDeleteDiana Padilla
period 1
I really enjoyed this work. Great topic to have all these high school students to relate to. Magnificent way of characterizing the pain that we have definitely encountered. The dialogue between the two puts the reader practically into the same room as them. And the relationship between the two brothers allows for such a light and enjoyable attitude. A very skillfully crafted piece. Splendid job!
ReplyDeleteGreat job Vivian! I enjoyed reading about the struggle in sleeping in a very humorous way. It's funny how majority of us can relate to this. I liked how it was a dialogue because it helped the readers get a better understanding in the perspective of you as a writer and sleep deprivation. This was an amazing piece and I hope to read more works just like this!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this. The topic you talked about relates to all of us. It was a really entertaining story to read.
ReplyDeleteFaisal H
Per 5
Vivian, the whole meaning of your piece is a common problem i believe everyone deals with now a days the way in which you describe the intimacy of always wanting to achieve and control things that are out of our reach can cause unnecessary stress. incredible job!
ReplyDeleteThis was so great! i loved the way you showed how the brothers really cared for each other in the story!
ReplyDeletePeriod 4
Gabriel Borrego