Pages

Monday, October 20, 2014

"October Writing" by Nehemiah B

My heart was racing as I heard the floor creak with each step the man took. As he got closer, I could hear the axe dragging across the wooden floors. "I'm going to find you.", said the deep demonic voice. It's crazy how fast my day turned from great, to the makings of a horror story.
     It had been a great Friday, I aced my math test and finally talked to my future wife for the first time at the football game. After the game, as I was approaching my car, a cold hand grasped my arm. I nearly jumped out of my skin, just to realize it was my friend Trent. "Hey bro can I get a ride home with you?" I said okay, after all he did live up the street from me.
     When we reached Trent's house he invited me in, but I declined. He looked at me for a while and said "All right bro, but be safe 'cus I got a bad feeling about something. Keep your eyes on the road!" Just to mess with him I peeled out as I drove off. The ride home was a nice one, Pandora was playing pretty good music. Then my favorite song came on, so naturally I turned up my stereo so that everyone within a half mile could enjoy my music, and then it cut off. I looked at my phone to see my father calling, but I wasn't going to talk on the phone while driving so I let it go to voicemail and turned my stereo back up.
     I parked my car on the street in front of my house. As I shut off the engine I got a strange feeling, like someone was watching me, so I rushed to get to the door. When I reached the porch I noticed the front door was already open. I cautiously approached the open door and pushed it open as a blood curdling scream rang out from the other room. I sprinted as fast I could just to see that a slasher film was playing. Relieved, I walked into the kitchen and greeted my father. After answering a few questions about the game I excused myself so I could get into the shower. I turned on my music while I waited for the shower to heat up. As a strange feeling grew inside of me, I gazed into the mirror and saw a man right outside of my door! I looked behind me to see no one there. Still bothered by what I had just seen, I got into the shower and tried to calm myself down. While rinsing the shampoo out of my hair, I heard a loud bang but dismissed it as something that fell in the other room.
     I shut the shower off and started to dry myself off. When I was dry, I turned off my music off and walked into my room and got dressed. Then I decided to go hang out with my dad in his room. I walked across the upstairs hall to his room. As I opened the door, I stepped in a warm liquid and looked up to see my fathers headless body slumped lifelessly in the corner. The next thing I knew, I was picking myself up off the floor. I turned around to see a monster of a man, wielding an axe, looking at me with a twisted smile. Instinct took over as I took two explosive steps toward him and lowered a shoulder into his stomach, which sent him over the banister and caused a sickening thud. Before I knew it I had hid in my closet and began praying. My heart was racing as i heard the floor creak with each step the man took. As he got closer, I could hear the axe dragging across the wooden floors. "I'm going to find you.", said the deep demonic voice.

12 comments:

  1. Wow great horror story. The imagery allowed me to visualize everything perfectly and gave me a perfect representation on who the character is; an average high school guy enjoying a normal Friday night, the slow escalation of the story made it even more suspenseful, as well as the beginning being reintroduced again in the end, great structure and great story!
    Milani Thomas
    Per. 1
    per.1

    ReplyDelete
  2. Madison P. (period 4)October 29, 2014 at 2:48 PM

    I liked how in the first paragraph you framed your story and then the rest was a flashback explaining why your day went from good to bad really quick. The way you wrote was so detailed filled with imagery. I felt like I sensed a monster in my mirror and had to stop a second to see if the pounding in my stomach was instinct to a unknown person behind me...I was safe! You did a fabulous job with your story, left me wanting to read more.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I really enjoyed this horror story. I liked the imagery and the build up of the story was really nice. I will probably be checking the mirror right before I take a shower just in case.

    - Pierce Bryant

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dude this was really funny to me and I loved the flash back. It was a great suspenseful story and I loved all the body parts and blood from the corpse it was a good story to read on Halloween. I liked your imagery to show how the boy felt during the nightmare that he was living. Great job was well written and it gave me a good laugh and even some goose bumps.

    ReplyDelete
  5. One of the best scariest stories I had read on the blog . I really enjoyed the imagery that you put in this story and the details.One of the favorite part of the story is how you flashed back before everything happen.

    Valerie Perez
    11.6.14
    period 6

    ReplyDelete
  6. This horror story is too spooky for me :D!! I love the imagery in this story. As i pictured the man standing outside your door i got the chills. Probably the best thing i ever read on halloween. Great job!!
    Andrew Hernandez
    per 2

    ReplyDelete
  7. This is amazing i love stories that give me something to visualize! This is really spooky and it makes you think. You have all things that a story needs to be a story ! A hook,detail,background, and different writing styles and methods. GOOD JOB ! 100 THUMBS UP !

    ReplyDelete
  8. This was a really good horror story of which really captures the essence of the spooky holidays. The perspective of first person really made me feel as if I was right there standing with your character. My favorite part of your piece was the way you used flashbacks to first show the main character's confrontation with fear, but then shifted the story to give more background information on what happened before. I liked how you depicted the sense of "normality " within the events before the axe murderer showed up and then suddenly changed direction of the story of which everything that was suspected to go wrong, goes wrong.

    ReplyDelete
  9. If only you could see how big my grin was when your story came full circle and the first two lines appeared once again. Your descriptions not only made your story play out like a horror flick, but also taunted my other senses making it seem like this was really happening. The "floor creak" and "cold hand" and "warm liquid" all provided overwhelming sensory stimulus which made the story ten times scarier. Keep up the great work.

    ReplyDelete
  10. This piece is so fun! I loved reading it and it was very easy to read. I really liked how the story you're telling makes a full circle. I also love how you said "warm liquid" rather than using the word "blood." Great job!
    Haylie Duncan
    Period 4

    ReplyDelete
  11. Dang bro, your story was freaky, in a good way. Your use of imagery had me on the edge of my seat. Fabulous work man. Keep up it up.
    -Philip Ahn
    P5

    ReplyDelete
  12. This was am amazing horror story Nemo. You had a very powerful hook to draw us in. And then you brilliantly built up suspense to the breaking point before releasing it several times before the actual event. Masterful writing.
    -Rich Gaspers P.5

    ReplyDelete

Remember, make your comment positive, supportive, and specific to the piece you're commenting on. No anonymous comments! :)