Pages

Monday, May 5, 2014

" A Piece." by Valerie H



I think the question I get asked the most by not only the people who are closest to me, but also by my own haunting subconscious, is why I don’t let people into my life, and let them know who I really am. And by life, I mean what’s not covered up by the happy, outgoing, and bubbly facade I manage to put on every single day of my life. In actuality, that little ‘five foot and three quarters of an inch’ girl you see giving smiles to every bypasser and emanating light onto others (or so I’ve been told) is completely and utterly lost. She’s confused. And more importantly, she’s enslaved by fear and the want to be isolated. Why I don’t let more than three people maximum into that buried life of mine is because of the panic and anxiety that comes from waiting for a critical and judgmental response and the depression that comes after from the lack of any understanding and empathy from others. As much as I hope to believe that there is someone out there who completely 2000% understands me, I know it’s impossible for two reasons: one, nobody will ever understand another person’s life until they have lived it and two, because nobody will ever have the absurd, ongoing, jumbling, ear deafening thoughts that pop into my head at a rate I can’t even begin to imagine. After an intense reevaluation of myself, I thought maybe I’d try to let people know who I am as an individual. I wanted to do it in a manner so that I wouldn’t just spill out my entire sob story, but at the same time still give an idea of what it’s kind of like to be me and to see my response to some things. In order to do that, I’ve gathered a series of general questions asked by multiple people, in which I will respond below.

*Disclaimer: I am in no way trying to enforce any of the responses upon others, these are simply my opinions/thoughts!*

1. How do you get better from the common cold?
Uhm, I don’t. I’m honestly stumped with this one. Oopsies! Naturally, any person would take medication for the common cold, and though I do the same, it is never as often, for fear of falling asleep (my parents are in love with buying the nighttime pills) when I have a plethora of homework and studies to attend to. I usually just wait it out, and it leaves… but for anyone who may or may not know, I’ve been literally sick the whole year. I think the only time I managed to stay antigen exposure free was for a month, and that was this March. I always wished that I could be hospitalized to replenish my health… but look where that got me; my wish partially came true. Hopefully better health comes my way!

2. When should you start planning for college and what to do when troubles occur?
Start planning as a freshman, as colleges do look at your transcript starting from this year; if you want to get into the school of your choice, work hard and study hard. Plan out how many honors/AP classes to take and what you think you can handle along with any clubs and extracurricular activities. Really know your work ethic and threshold. Stay positive, don’t compare, and never let your pride get ahold of you. I stayed hating the person I was since my first year in high school, solely because I knew I wasn’t as good enough and never would be as great as my older siblings. I lived everyday feeling like I was a disgrace to Ho/Tran family and a disgrace to the standards my siblings have set before me. My pride was what made me believe I could do so/as well in taking all honors/AP classes every year, with at least 3 clubs in hand, as well as marching band and for some time, a job. Though I managed to pass all my classes, I saw them as a failing grade in comparison to the “straight A’s” galore on the transcripts of my brother and sister. Feeling like I didn’t work hard enough, naturally led to the state of depression I constantly found myself wallowing in.

3. How do you strengthen your relationship with God?
My relationship with God isn’t the greatest; a lot of people seem to think so, but it’s not. There have been so many times that I’ve lost my way with God, and I think one of the biggest times is now. Running away from God is probably one of the ugliest things I’ve experienced, especially in the state I’m currently in. And it’s honestly very hard; nobody ever said having a relationship with God was going to be easy. God Himself never promised a life without any storms; He only promised to be there beside you when it happens. I think the first step into strengthening a relationship with God is to have bible studies. Get the basics down, get questions you want answered, get concerns as a skeptic/new believer addressed. When you think you’re ready, try going to church more often; Churches usually dive into the Word and dissect stuff and help apply it to your life. I think the key thing, is to constantly talk to God. Most people mistaken prayer to be the “5 Hail Marys” or prayers of the sort, but it’s really all about talking to Him and communicating like he’s another friend, but a supernatural Being who loves unconditionally and never fails.

4. What are your goals in life?
For nearly four years, I didn’t know what my goal in life was. The constant drama, stress, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, self-hate slapped me so hard and too much in my face that I actually believed I couldn’t go on anymore. The fact that school increased all those things by a magnitude of a million and the fact that I was losing myself in my Christian faith, really made things worse. I dreaded waking up in the morning and I couldn’t sleep at night. I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t know why God had chosen me even before I was born. Or why He thought I could handle all these burdens. I knew He wanted me here for a reason, but I thought I had no purpose here. I had doubts. I was angry. I was sad. I was confused. A couple of days ago I had a serious talk about “life” with my boyfriend. I couldn’t stop the tears and thoughts that my life should be taken. Then… this question came up. And so to answer his question, I now realize my goal is to live for God. To listen to His calling and to answer it. Do whatever it is that I was meant to do; help others. Seek out the weak and help. To provide, for my current family and future family. It’ll be hard, but worth it.

5. Who inspires you the most/What do you love most about your life?
My family, definitely. When I reflect on my last name, I think of honor, courage, strength, perseverance and support. I think of the honor my grandfather served with when fighting the war against Vietnamese communists, who eventually captured him as a POW. I think of the strength my grandma had during the eight years she had to raise her children alone while her husband was being tortured. I think of the courage my mother had in fleeing the country by boat as a refugee at such a young age with two younger sisters to look after. I think of the perseverance it took for my father to continually push through after severe losses and struggles due to the war. My boyfriend. The almost two years of our relationship has given me the greatest insight of who he is and what his life is about, and it’s more information than what I’ve received in an attempt friendship with him prior. The perseverance, brightness, love, laughter, and a word that’s better than happiness that he constantly and genuinely continues to share with and emit to others, through all the struggles that goes on in his life, never fails to captivate me. These people, these relationships are what I love most about my life and who/what constantly pushes me and inspires me.


I know this was extremely long, but I hope at least some of you stuck through it with me and got a little glimpse into my life. Thank you, reader. ☺

33 comments:

  1. Oh my goodness Valerie, this submission broke my heart. It sounds like you have definitely had a rough few years. Reading about your spiritual struggles, I just want you to know that you're not alone. You are a part of the family of God and you have brothers and sisters who love you and want to be there for you. As the Church, we are called to be united. All of us will struggle and fall, but God has equipped us to lift one another up when we do. Two verses came to mind as I was reading your blog and I want to share them with you. The first is Psalm 139: 14 "I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well." I have always struggled with constantly comparing myself to others and this verse has never failed to bring me peace. It is a reminder that I am a child of God and my identity is in Christ. I am learning this truth more and more day by day and the more I dwell on it, the more joy I experience. I hope that it brings you comfort too. The second verse is Revelation 21:6-7 "Then He said to me, 'It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. I will give to the one who thirsts from the spring of the water of life without cost. He who overcomes will inherit these things, and I will be his God and he will be My son." Whenever you find yourself questioning your purpose in life, just remember that we have eternity with Christ waiting for us. He is our greatest treasure and our greatest joy and ultimately our only purpose on this earth is to glorify Him with our lives and point others to Him. I know this was a really long comment, but basically what I want you to know is this - you are loved and God is good :)
    -Christina Tapia

    ReplyDelete
  2. This article was very emotional and it really gave me a little more insight to who you are. It was very interesting to read because I can totally connect with you !! I also have constant doubts and question life on a daily basis. Also, I always feel like I'm never good enough. But after reading this article, I know that we should live for God and enjoy life. I totally agree with you that we should help others and seek out the weak and help! The journey in life is rough and tough but I know that it will all work out in the end. Also, I really like how you told a story of your grandfather. That was very brave of him and I give my respect to him. Overall, I really like how this article showed a side of you that you don't usually show to people.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This was very inspiring and this made me think about some of the things i need to focus on and work on. I cant take things for granet and this helped me understand it.

    -Abigail Rich

    ReplyDelete
  4. Man Valerie, you've really been through it! I feel like I have an entirely knew understanding of who you are and what your future entails. If you want my honest opinion, I think that if you've had the strength to get through everything you just said, then the rest of your life is going to be extremely bright. You deserve it; really. I also think you should be really proud of everything you have accomplished, and I find your ability to push through your struggles quite admirable. Great Job!

    ReplyDelete
  5. This piece really got to me. Liked how you told us advice and put in examples of your life. Really good story! - Alexis Chiong p6

    ReplyDelete
  6. Aww, bbHo. I love you no matter what. I know it seems that you and I have lost touch, but I think you know deep down inside that I am always ready to talk if you need it, and I will always be here with open arms if you ever need it. I know I always felt helpless in helping you, but somehow you always find your way, with just you and God.

    You are one of the strongest girls I know. I don't doubt that you can take care of yourself, but I also need you to realize that you are not alone.

    And as far as your goal in life and losing your way with Him, I want you to always remember that you have touched others' lives, even if they were in small ways. You have touched mine. I know you want me to believe I found God all on my own, but I had help. I had you to inspire me. If you can just remember that, remember that you have not completely lost Him, and I know you can always find your way back to Him.

    But let's go back to me being a fellow English student commenting on your writing like I should be.

    Firstly, I commend you for letting out your thoughts out there. I know how hard it is to have to do that especially with such a public audience.

    Also, your word choice is flawless. Sometimes I can't continue reading work because of how incredulously incorrect their grammar is or how simple their vocabulary is. That's not the case here. When I read your writing it flows well, instead of feeling inconsistent.

    Great writing, dear. It's a fantastic addition to the "personal reflection" tag.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Valerie, first off I would like to say thank you for sharing this. From this glimpse that youve provided into what you feel and truely stand by it just proves how strong of a person you are. Even though we dont talk as much anymore because of our different schedules and all that stuff ive always considered you a really sweet person with an inpiring amount of perserverance. Im so glad to hear that you are working on making your relationship with God stronger because im more than sure that he will guide you and bring you the peace and happiness that you desire. Great job girl, never give up fighting for what you want . (:
    Lucia G.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Valerie, first off I would like to say thank you for sharing this. From this glimpse that youve provided into what you feel and truely stand by it just proves how strong of a person you are. Even though we dont talk as much anymore because of our different schedules and all that stuff ive always considered you a really sweet person with an inpiring amount of perserverance. Im so glad to hear that you are working on making your relationship with God stronger because im more than sure that he will guide you and bring you the peace and happiness that you desire. Great job girl, never give up fighting for what you want . (:
    Lucia G

    ReplyDelete
  9. I enjoyed how personal you made this reflection, especially since you don't let people in very often. It was a nice insight into your life.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hey Valerie :) i too feel similar tobyou in the ways that i limit most of my personal life and stresses to myself. I thouggt however, that it was really cool for you to share some insight into your thoughts. Great job on that and i hope things go well for you in the future

    ReplyDelete
  11. Aw Val! Thank you so much for sharing this with us! You are such a strong person and this piece really highlights that strength. You've been through a lot, but you've also been able to get through it and come out on the other side. This is beautifully written and made me tear up a bit, but I love you Valerie! Good job :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. I think its nice that you put your opinions because its expression, you say what you have to say and people can base their opinion of that

    ReplyDelete
  13. I like this because its so relatable to me. My siblings set the bar so high I don't even bother trying to reach or go further than them. But that's just my laziness talking. -Noah Valdez

    ReplyDelete
  14. Even after knowing you for so long now, I am still surprised with some of the little details about your life. This wasn't only a different perspective on certain topics, this was a different perspective onto your life! I loved that you made it personal and shared what you thought about things. It shows that you're confident in your opinions and not shy about your beliefs, while still considering the opinions of others. I hope that your health improves too. Love you Vals!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Honestly, one cannot even imagine how you feel and I never thought that you had such difficulties in your life. You are such a strong individual, and you have great will power. God is with you at every step of the way in your life. Never lose your faith in Him. I hope you are blessed with good health. You aren't alone either, we are all here with you as well. :)
    -Yamen Mubarka

    ReplyDelete
  16. Wow Valerie! Your piece was beautiful. I just want to thank you for sharing this story. It was so interesting to get to know you past your outgoing, bubbly persona and get an insight on some of your struggles and insecurities. I liked how you structured it as a personal interview, so we can see your insight on different aspects of life. One of my favorite parts was when you mentioned God and how you started to loose touch with him, but then realized that your purpose was to live for him. This honestly was so beautiful and many aspects of it were so relate able. I just hope that you continue to grow in your walk in faith not only in Him, but yourself. You are too smart, too talented, too hardworking, and most importantly too beautiful innerly and outterly to ever have to question yourself. Always remember your biggest enemy is yourself. Stay positive Val, I wish you the absolute best in the future!

    ReplyDelete
  17. I like how you decided to open about yourself. And I love the way you put a question before your answer. Your never know what people go through unless you've been in their shoes and from reading this I feel like i've been in your shoes ! Good job !

    -Erin Napoleon

    ReplyDelete
  18. Thank you so much for allowing us to learn more in depth about your life. I find your submission courageous and I hope you feel more relieved by sharing. The questions you chose gave us a chance to see a variety of your perspectives and experiences on different topics. Your piece was eye-opening and even inspiring. :)

    ReplyDelete
  19. This piece was beautiful! Its great that you finally decided to open up about yourself. Even though I don't really know you I felt that learned so much about you in this blog. I wish you the best in finding your true self. Good Job !

    ReplyDelete
  20. I like this a lot because you open up a lot here. You show a lot about yourself which others wont do sometimes. Good job in the use of detail and format.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I loved your answer for question #3. It gives me the assurance that I’m not alone with obstacles that get in the way of my walk with Him. I, too, feel that I lose my way with Him when life gets really tough. Through all of those hardships, you are still standing and working harder to conquer any trials that come your way. This piece shows how perseverant and hardworking of a person you are. You are truly amazing and wonderful!

    ReplyDelete
  22. This is a nice insight into your life. It is always hard to open yourself up to people and let them all know the thoughts and opinions that make up who you are as a person. This is like a kind of self interview. I remember Jim Morrison in one of his poetry books wrote something like a self-interview is the ultimate kind of way to really question who you are as a person (something like that). You ask yourself the question and you answer it as honestly and fully as you can. Good job!

    ReplyDelete
  23. I first want to start this off by saying that you are a wonderful person Valerie and DO NOT let anyone tell you otherwise. You are bound to do many great things, record breaking things, mind blowing things. This writing is a pure display of what I mean. This piece just shows how brilliant you are. The way you use your writing to self evaluate yourself is powerful because to me it shows how comfortable you are with letting everybody else know how you feel. I thought about it as if you are not afraid of what other people think about you and that's how it should be.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Let me just start off by saying that I’m so blessed and proud to call you my bestfriend. I’ve previously gotten to know many of the things you’ve mentioned in this piece, but I know how it may come as a surprise to many because you never fail to put a smile on your face and neglect to let these aspects affect you. You’re the strongest person I know and you inspire me everyday to be a better person. Always believe in yourself because you’re capable of doing so many great things Vals. I love you to the moon and back. Remember that I’m always going to be here for you no matter what. <3 #bffsforlife

    ReplyDelete
  25. Vals you are absolutely amazing and a complete blessing in my life and the life of many and don't ever doubt that. You are one of the strongest people I know and you are so selfless and fantastic to your family and friends! The Posse loves you!! <3 On a side note, you have a splendid style of writing and this piece was very "you" ^-^ Much love to you and your immune system ahahahha..

    ReplyDelete
  26. I stuck through till the very end of your submission, baby girl. c;
    Vals, I'm truly proud of how wonderful of a person you've grown to be.
    Don't get me wrong, you've ALWAYS been wonderful, but for you to evaluate yourself and then share yourself to the rest of us.
    Man, that's brave.
    Going through this 4 year journey of high school together allowed me to have a smoother understanding of what you've gone through and things you've discovered about yourself. I'm glad you've decided that your "goal is to live for God. To listen to His calling and to answer it. Do whatever it is that I was meant to do; help others. Seek out the weak and help. To provide, for my current family and future family. It’ll be hard, but worth it." This genuinely shines through how caring of a person you are. COMPLIMENTS, COMPLIMENTS, YOU KNOW? ;D
    Heehee, anyway!
    Your use of diction great! Such high and extensive vocabulary. Typical little Ms. Ho, am I right? (。◕ ‿ ◕。) <3
    Your formatting allows for the reader to stay engaged and follow along through what you have to say as your answers easily.
    (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧ SPARKLES FOR HOW AWESOME THIS SUBMISSION IS!
    You're such a strong writer, Vals. I love reading everything you write.
    Great job.

    Seohyun "Joy" Jeon

    ReplyDelete
  27. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW! hey guessed who asked you the last 2 questions? Me! My favorite part is when you talked about me it really made me happy! I really like your answer to "What is your goal in life?" I'm really happy that you found your goal in life. You are such a great person with an amazing personality. Okay bye love you.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I really enjoyed this piece Valerie. The last two questions especially made me think. I think once I figure them out I will have a grasp of how I want my life to be. Thanks!
    P.S you and Mogi are cute

    ReplyDelete
  29. This broke my heart to hear this because I saw during marching season how you were always sick but you were still always stressing over your work, and always studying and marching at the same time! Your dedication to your studies should be the very reason why you should never feel anything less than proud of yourself because you truly gave it your best effort. I'm shocked you shared this but its a good thing you did because I'm sure there are many ithers who can relate to your struggle

    ReplyDelete
  30. Aw, Valerie. I'm happy to see that you're so dedicated to everything that you do, but I'm also glad that you've learned to take a little time to live life the way you want. You're such an amazing person, and I know it can be hard for you to see yourself that way, but you really are. There's been struggles, sure, but look at how you've come out of them. You're stronger now. Thank you so much for sharing this personal reflection with us. Good luck on everything you do from here on out. May you keep discovering your callings and your passions!

    ReplyDelete
  31. the way you set this up was brilliant. I applaud your courage at being so willingly open and vocal about such sensitive aspects of your personal life. I wish you the absolute best in every aspect of your life. Keep your head up and kick-butt!
    -Danieh Abu Alrub

    ReplyDelete

Remember, make your comment positive, supportive, and specific to the piece you're commenting on. No anonymous comments! :)