“NOOOO!”
Struggling with
her bags, I watch the woman nudge the girl forward, pleading with her to get
in. “Please Mara. Go on, I’m right behind you.” I see Mara, no
more than three, shake her head and begin to cry. Clearly distressed, the woman puts her bags
down before placing Mara inside the subway car herself. Turning away from her now wailing daughter,
she bends to grab her bags, dropping a stuffed animal in the process.
“Darn!” I hear her mutter to herself, before bending
to pick up the bear. As she does, I
notice a tall, lean man, walking toward her with such force I think he looks
like a bull charging a red flag.
Startled, I scream to the woman, “Look Out”, but I find I have no
voice. She hears nothing.
Suddenly, I’m
beside her and notice her eyes wide. I
follow her gaze and find a gun pressed to her stomach. My gaze travels up slowly, as if it was
pointed at me, past a hand, a shoulder, up a neck, until I find myself staring
into green eyes, flaming with anger. As
I stare, I realize the woman has found her voice. “M-Mark.
What are you doing here?”
I see Mark, tilt
his head and laugh, whether at my companion’s terrified expression or her
question, I can’t tell. “What am I doing
here? Cara really, did you think you’d just leave and I wouldn’t find
you?”
I hear Cara
almost whisper, “Please just let us go, please.” Another laugh comes from Mark before he says,
“Don’t beg, Cara, it’s not becoming. You
knew you wouldn’t get far, now grab Mara and-“ As if she’d been slapped, I see
Cara tense and then, through gritted teeth respond, “We will never come
back! You are-“
“I am your
husband, you are my wife and that is my daughter. You are coming home now!” I notice Cara looking around, then back at
Mara, who is oblivious to everything, and apparently so does Mark.
At that moment,
I hear him yell, “Don’t you-“ and suddenly Cara turns toward the subway and
slams into the glass. She is too
late.
Instantly, I am
back to where I was, farther away from Cara and Mark and hear the subway begin
to move. I look back to see Cara lying
on the platform, and Mark gone. She
turns to me then, and although she whispers, I hear her clearly, “Find her,
Rayne, please.”
I try to speak
but- BEEP-BEEP-BEEP.
I turn over and
smack my alarm clock, sending it flying into the wall. My head is pounding but I know I’ll be late
if I don’t get up. I stumble to the
kitchen, turn on the T.V. and watch as the newscaster reports a shooting last
night that left Cara Nichols dead and her daughter, Mara, lost in the
city. The victim’s husband Mark is
missing.
I stare a moment
longer and realize, “I have to find Mara.”
Good job! The story got the audiences' attention from the first line, and the rising action escalated very quickly to keep the readers hooked! Right when I got the the part mentioning a gun, I knew things are about to get interesting and something bad was about to go down. This story seems like it could be made into a television drama if extended! Well done!
ReplyDelete-Ben Chang
This was a very well written and interesting piece. I think it would be the great opening to a thrilling novel or movie. I enjoyed how even though it was through the perspective of Rayne I could still understand how the other characters were feeling. Great job.
ReplyDeleteWow! From the first line I was drawn in and to the last line I was left wanting to read more ! The dialect of the characters felt like what people would say if this were a TV or a movie situtation, which made the story more thrilling. I also think the structure of how the piece was written in helped create suspence and thrill. Great Job!
ReplyDeleteWHY DID NOT YOU LET THE POOR WOMAN ESCAPE?! I had goosebumps as soon as the gun was mentioned and it lasted even after I finished reading the story. You gave us a warming picture of a mother and her daughter and then you shattered it; needless to say, it worked perfectly. Your grammar and sentence structures allow the reader to read this story without interruptions. It was as if it was a movie playing in my head. Also your overall structure of the essay helps make the cuts and fades an all the other cinematic effects in the reader's mind. Kudos for you!
ReplyDeleteThis is a great beginning to a thriller type story. The writing wasn't at all dialogue-heavy, but it conveyed all the emotions it needed to through description and through word choice. Quite a punch for a short story! The twist at the end was a clever way to segue into another plot, or into the main plot, anyway. It opens up a lot of questions and makes a short story into an exciting cliffhanger. Wonderful job!
ReplyDeleteThis story is amazing. It is just like a mystery novel. I loved how it is in Rayne's perspective, but with the use of direct dialogue, you can still feel Cara's emotions and the sense of trouble she is in. Good Job.
ReplyDeleteWow, almost like the beginning of a suspense movie from the opening lines. I was hooked from the beginning, and kind of sad there wasn't more for me to read. Great job with the transitions, and the intro, kept me interested.
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh Laura, this story is bomb!! You managed to shock me two times within less than a minute. At first I thought that the narrator's experience had all been a dream. But then, after learning about the news broadcast, I realized that the incident had actually occurred. If you make a sequel to this, let me know. I hope to find out what happens to the psycho husband and the little girl. You rock chica!
ReplyDelete-Christina Tapia
THIS. WAS. SO. AMAZING. Laura you could be a screen writer or something! The concept behind this was crazy, the merging of the subconscious and conscious. I could definitely see this being the next Hollywood thriller. The dialogue was great and filled us in on what was going on, and everything flowed perfectly. Great job!!
ReplyDeleteA very thrilling and suspenseful piece! The unusual circumstances made me wonder why things were happening and what happened in the past with the family. I think your writing is clear, yet not too simple, so it creates a very cohesive read. I feel that your piece could definitely develop into something more complex and surprising!
ReplyDeleteOkay that plot twist at the end = MIND BLOWN. I love how vividly you demonstrated the emotions of the characters, my heart was progressively beating faster and faster the more I read. This would be such an interesting movie. Amazing piece, good job Laura!
ReplyDelete-Danieh Abu Alrub
Keep writing!! I really like it! There can bee a whole book on this. Omigosh! He can find her and then they're running. The cops don't believe him and they find this whole underground society where the mom has been hiding and the dad is a mob boss who has the power to destroy the world as we know it if she doesn't comply!! That would be such an awesome book! Man Laura. So great. haha.
ReplyDeleteThis piece was very well written and was a thriller in my opinion. You did a very good job on showing and revealing the characters feelings. good job.
ReplyDeleteThe crazy twist at the end, really blew my mind, she can see into the future while asleep?!?! AWESOME!!!
ReplyDelete-Anthony Soto
This is one of the most thrilling pieces I have read in a while! You wrote it in a manner, that I completely felt like I was lost in the depths of a thick book, waiting for me to turn it's pages. The syntax and diction you incorporated were just beyond perfect in adding to the suspense and the thrill; for example(s), "BEEP-BEEP-BEEP" (the repetition and choice of all caps), "M-Mark." (choice of stuttering and punctuation at the end), the word startled, “'Don’t you-' and suddenly [...]" (use of dash to depict the cutting off a speech). You know, just all the great things you poured into your writing bowl to create this masterpiece. IT JUST GETS ME SO GIDDY AND PUMPED UP. This piece just slaps.
ReplyDeleteYou are seriously just a great writer, but you're seriously just great at everything you do. You're just great. With that said, I miss you. Please come back into my life so we can be best friends again. I've just been home everyday, doing things like sleeping, eating and waking up to do homework. I love you. :))))))))))
This story had me sitting on the edge of my seat at some points. It was very well written and it was great how you were able to incorporate the dream and make it feel as though we were really there. Overall, well done Laura.
ReplyDeleteGreat work Laura. I did not expect the ending AT ALL! I love how you described the setting so well so that the reader could feel what's gong on. This piece had me on the edge of my seat because I was in suspense to see if Mark was going to shoot Cara in front of witnesses. The beginning of your story reminded me of the movie where Jennifer Lopez and her daughter were being chased by her crazy husband. Overall, great work :)
ReplyDeleteLaura! That was so good! I seriously thought it was over when Rayne woke up, but nooooooooo! I think you should listen to Ravenn and keep writing. It was extremely compelling and absolutely mind blowing! Nice job chica!
ReplyDeleteTaylor Robles
Laura! I first clicked on your post, thinking it was going to me something humorous, related to Find Waldo. I guess I was wrong because this post was not humorous, it was very thrilling to read. This blog post of yours truly gave me goosebumps! The suspense with wanting to find out why Rayne had no voice and wanting to figure out where Mara went was immense.The plot twist in the end got me! I had read through it thinking that it was all just a dream, but the fact that her dream was real and appeared on the TV when she woke up was mind blowing. This could turn into a wonderful novel and then eventually into a movie if you continue it. Great Job!
ReplyDelete- Tia Basa
I think you should keep writing this story, if you aren't already. This definitely has the potential to be a best seller novel or a Hollywood hit. It was very thrilling, suspenseful, and exciting all at the same time. Fantastic job.
ReplyDeleteThis was really bomb Laura! I loved how creative it was, and I really wish it were longer. Your imagery was perfect, as I had the entire piece pictures in my head. I mean, you might as well write more of this, since you played wih my emotions and left me on a cliffhanger. It's only fair.
ReplyDeleteGood job Laura! This was really captivating for me, mainly because I love these kinds of "mystery" stories. You wrote it beautifully and you were able to make it very clear despite it being such a short piece. It was great!
ReplyDeleteLaura, if you don't turn this into a fanfic, I'm so done with you. I need to know what's going to happen next, it's killing me right now! But, nevertheless, I really enjoyed your piece, it's leaving me wanting more. I like your choice of names too. I don't know if it was coincidental or on purpose but I found it cute that Mark and Cara made Mara, like a couple name like Brangelina? If that wasn't your intention, this is so awkward.. But great job Laura! (:
ReplyDeleteAll I could say is WOW! The imagery of this was amazing and had me having goosebumps the entire time. You could seriously be a writer. GREAT JOB!
ReplyDeleteWow! What an amazing piece! It's amazing how you were able to draw in the attention of the reader right from the beginning! Your descriptive words made me feel like I was inside the narrator's mind from being able to visualize every single moment. It was really well developed despite being short, which is an incredible feat to accomplish. To be able to make the readers develop sympathy for a character in such a short piece is absolutely incredible! Any thoughts of continuing this piece? I'd love to see how the story unfolds. (:
ReplyDeleteWow Laura this was fantastic! I don't know how you managed to include so much thrilling suspense in such a great way! I loved your use of dialect, it made the story so interesting, as I found myself rushing through it just to see what would happen next. You should definitely keep writing in the future, you're so good at it. Keep up the great work Laura, you're amazing!
ReplyDeleteWoah that ending. When I finished it I let out an "Oooh snap!" In the beginning I was pretty confused on who exactly the narrator was and why she just couldn't warn that poor woman, but dreams do tend to be confusing most of the time. Dreams are fascinating to me and so I really liked this piece. It was a thriller. - Oscar Salazar
ReplyDelete