Ever since that day,
my life has been great! No tears, no goodbyes, but many "hellos were the
norm for the past 30 years. As a kid, my microbiological engineer mother kept
on telling me how advanced we had gotten with technology and how, as a result, we no longer need to fear death. I never
really understood that but I just went with it. I ended up working for the CIA,
despite the risks. I made many friends and enemies but lost countless of both.
When I retired at the age of 50, I thought that the past would stay in the
past. It did not…
"Johnny, I'm
home!" No reply.
"Johnny?!"
I yelled, but from the numerous horror movies I've watched, it was a given. the
sound of glass breaking echoed through the house and, of course, my five year
old son’s shriek followed. Knowing how it usually played out in the movies, I
ran for the shotgun for protection only to find it
in the hands of a former enemy spy.
in the hands of a former enemy spy.
"This was never
between us. This was always between our governments and a little child has
nothing to do with it. Now please, let him go. I never held anyth..." he
fired the weapon leaving my five year old with an empty hole in the center of
his body and a smell of burnt flesh and blood in the atmosphere. The shock
crashed into me like a ghost crying out for help with a horrendous screech.
Knowing that I was next, I took no time thinking and dashed at him. Within
seconds, he had no more control over any part of his body.
I had done it. I have avenged my son’s
murder. All I wanted to do was rest and pretend none of this happened. As I
heard the police sirens, I eased into a very long nap.
As I opened my eyes, I saw a glass of water
on the table next to me. Johnny ran towards me to give me a hug. Was I just
dreaming? Surely I am hallucinating. I saw him lying dead just a couple of feet
away from me several days ago and now… now he is back? This did not make sense.
“I love you daddy.” Upon hearing those
words, nothing mattered anymore. I spent 30 years with nothing mattering.
Johnny never grew older, and I did not age either; something did not add up…
I spent several weeks looking at old
newspapers and searching news online and there it was; the solution to my
confusion, but also, the cause of my new misery. I finally understood what
happened. My mother was working on a drug with the CIA that would manipulate
the mind into stimulating a happy lifetime after death. With some tweaking, a
person could use that drug to force another to live forever in their mind
without a way out almost as a way of torture. I have been dead for the past 30
years…
Yamen, this story was pretty good. Of course with your scientific self you would make some sort of story that involved Biology! I liked the way you started your story because it was straightforward. Your story caught my attention and dragged me through the rest of it. It brought back good memories of the movie we made last year that involved the investigation. This piece had great detail and it certainly was not boring. You did a good job!!
ReplyDeleteWow! I can honestly say that I was really hooked when I read this story! I felt the suspense build up and I couldn't stop reading! I like how you used imagery and said there was an "empty hole in the center of his body and a smell of burnt flesh and blood in the atmosphere." That statement really gave me the shivers! I was terrified at what had happened in the story and I was just shocked at what happened. I was also mystified by the twist in the end and the ending was so creative! I really enjoyed reading this story! You did an amazing job!
ReplyDeleteO_O Wow that was tripy. With all the suspense WOW JUST WOW
ReplyDelete-Caitlyn Mulvey
I feel like I just read a revamped version of Inception. The story started out like a typical thriller but then it took an unexpected turn and left me scratching my head. It was amazing how your final sentence caused me to reassess everything leading up to it. Plus, in addition to the suspense, the piece was well-written and highly enthralling. Your use of dialogue increased the realistic quality of the otherwise fantastic circumstance. Nice job!
ReplyDelete-Christina Tapia
I am ashamed to admit that I had to read this twice to understand exactly what happened. Wow Yamen, I didn't know you had a creative bone in you! Hahaha just kidding. This piece was brilliant, please write a sequel or make a longer version! It's definitely one of my favorite fiction entries thus far. GOOD JOB YAMEN :D
ReplyDeleteI can see this becoming a movie. Interesting story, it makes you want to keep reading to see if it's all a dream or reality.
ReplyDelete-Sabrina Rondero
I would hate to be him. To know I was dead and that I had no escape of leaving a dreamworld against my will.Your story sparked alot of reflection in me which is a good thing. I like it when I can relate stories to my personal life and opinions. I think you wrote an effective story and I liked the sensory word you included into your story.
ReplyDeleteGreat story, Yamen! It was packed with suspense and action from beginning to end! I liked how you used descriptive language in the scene of the son's death and the fight, which allowed me to mentally imagine a movie scene of exactly what you wrote. I also liked the ending, and how you have connected the beginning of the story to the ending about the mother's words and the drug the mother has created. Great stuff!
ReplyDelete-Ben Chang
Your story was great from start to finish. I was truly enticed in the story and I enjoyed the twist you put in there. The end really shocked me and I had to reread some of the lines to make sure I understood what was happening. It was like something that could be in a movie. Fantastic Job.
ReplyDeleteWow! This story was great with all the imagery and suspense that you gave the audience was very well put and very creative. Good Job!
ReplyDeleteThis story grabbed the readers attention so fast! Although it was a few paragraphs long, the use of imagery and detail made me feel like I had read more of the story than what was in those few paragraphs. This was one of those stories, that personally, got my mind running and had me continuing the story even after it had finished. Good Job!
ReplyDeleteThis story grabbed my attention from the first couple sentences.This story was trippy yet exciting and thats what I enjoyed most about it.Nice work! - Alexis Chiong
ReplyDeleteEven though this story was short it was really good because it really grabbed your attention. I would have loved it if it was longer but still it was a really great story. The thing I really liked about this story was the suspense and the ending how it connected back to the beginning. Great Job.
ReplyDeleteThis story grabbed my attention really fast same as others felt. The use of imagery is very unique and actually makes sense. Its not just put into there to make a story. The dialogue is very good and i like how you incorporate it onto a great story. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThis story grabbed my attention really fast as it did with everyone else. The use of imagery and description is very unique and used in a good way. Theres a lot of suspense and i can tell there was a lot of effort put into it. Good job!
ReplyDeleteOk I don't even know where to start, that was really good ! I like how you drew the reader and captured the attention our your readers by introducing a child and their death. I was a little confused at the end about the being dead for 30 years, but I think the suspense and unanswered questions make the story even better. -Daijah Outley
ReplyDeleteYamen, what're you doing to my mind?! I definitely did not expect that ending, sneaky mom, if that is your real name! No, but seriously, this story was intense! I felt my heart stop after reading that his son had died! I'm over here thinking, "Yamen, what is the matter with you?!" But every little detail you added truly resulted in a very well put story! By the way, your title is totally me right now AHAHAH! Just kidding. Anyways, keep writing, you're a lot better at it than you think! (:
ReplyDeleteWow Yamen, didn't know you were into all of the conspiracy theories. Maybe we all are really dead and this is some warped alternate universe that, instead of leading happy lives, we lead horribly stressful ones filled with AP classes and college apps as a way to torture us. Hahaha. Your story was very interesting and opened up a theory i had never thought about be for.
ReplyDeleteThis piece reminds me of the movie "Inception", or at least I think it was that movie. Either ways, this was a great piece, I did not understand it at first, but, the story of this piece was interesting. Great Job!
ReplyDelete-Emilio Pulmano
This is a cool piece. The ending made me return to the beginning for an explanation of what actually occurred in the thus man's life. It is convoluted and had me confused for a bit. I just don't understand how the dad killed the bad guy. It just says he "dashed" at him. That plot twist at the end was unexpected and riveting. I like it. It is great
ReplyDeleteWhoa ! This is a pretty dark and intense story ! Nevertheless, it is really good and I must say I was hooked from the first line. The suspense kept building up which made me want to keep reading ! I also love the twist you put into the entire thing - I never saw it coming ! Really good job !
ReplyDeleteWhoa ! This is a pretty dark and intense story ! Nevertheless, it is really good and I must say I was hooked from the first line. The suspense kept building up which made me want to keep reading ! I also love the twist you put into the entire thing - I never saw it coming ! Really good job !
ReplyDeleteThis piece escalated quickly.
ReplyDeleteYamen, you messed with my mind whilst I was reading this piece.
At first I was saying, "Cool mom. Hurray to not fearing death! Whoa, you were in the CIA, that's cool too."
And then when we got to the second chunk of this piece, I was flabbergasted. WHY THE SON? HE WAS FIVE, LIKE, C'MON.
Then I was like, "Seriously? You're taking a nap? This is not Frankenstein. Oh, there's more. THIS IS NOT THE END!"
BUT WHOA THAT ENDING. EVERYTHING GOES BACK TO THE MOTHER.
The drug. He's been dead for 30 years.
This was an intricate read yet very enjoyable.
Made the reader shift/transition from one scene to another in a way that was well suited for this type of piece.
I thought it had a sense of humor when there was a relation to scenarios of horror movies and the scenario the character was in.
Very cool piece and attention grabbing! LOVED IT.
YAMEN!!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this flash fiction! The detail that you put into it was amazing. I also liked that you made the science vaguely (haha) believable. Although I know that as mainly science minded students, we tend to forget about emotions, I really liked how you brought us into the story by introducing emotions that would appeal to anybody. You were also able to discuss deep themes such as the satisfaction or lack thereof of vengeance. Great job!
That was something I was not expecting Yamen! You foreshadowed something in the beginning of something not being right, however, I that was quite a twist! This reminds me of a fictional piece I read about a similar instrument of torture: using mind control to alter someone's reality. Very creative and suspenseful!
ReplyDeleteThis story was so mind-perplexing; I had to read it a few times before I thought I knew what had actually happened. Your details and almost stream of consciousness writing style was interesting to follow and made the story even more believable. It's crazy to think that perhaps one day in the far future, something like this will actually be invented!
ReplyDeleteWow Yamin! What a creative imagination you have! Your topic was so original it should definitely be a movie or television show! You have a way with words and a very fascinating ability to lure readers into wanting more. I was so disappointed when I finished reading because I wanted more! I can't tell you enough how fantastic this piece was. Good job!
ReplyDelete-Alyssa Sanchez
Okay, whoa. Instantaneously, I felt the story change in terms of pace and attitude. The second stanza already captivates my attention, which was a very clever method on your part, Yamen. The choice of words like "shriek" and "glass breaking" and even "echoed" makes for a very haunting story already.
ReplyDeleteThe next stanza breaks my heart. I was shocked to even find out it was an enemy, and then he goes off and shoots the son without a wink! I mean, 'WHAT!?!" My mind is so confused right now.
Then the third stanza is a moment of realization for the audience. The ball is dropped. The father has become the murderer. And now I wonder what the father will turn into?
And it's nothing. He has been "nothing" for thirty years, and at this point I am utterly speechless by the complete twist in this story. This story is so short but it is so full of action and different aspects and me saying I like it is an understatement.
Yamen, I mean this with the utmost honesty when I say that you should continue writing for the rest of your life. If anything, I think you have a very creative mind and to me, this story seemed like it was a natural effort for you to write. I hope you continue to write. It'd be a shame if no one can see your creative talent.
Fantastic writing!
I LOVE THIS. I've always been a fan of science fiction. While reading your piece, my mouth literally dropped when the enemy spy shot the little boy, and my face had the most confused look on it when the dad woke up and the son was alive. I loved every detail, it kept me so interested because it was so different from most things I have read. I love the perspective you have on it, how it's totally non-traditional from the common views life after death. I really enjoyed reading it, I would honestly read more if you wrote more about it as well!
ReplyDeleteThis was absolutely mind blowing. I really did not expect that plot twist. I actually once had a dream almost exactly like this. Nevertheless, you took a step away from realism and proposed a completely unnatural theme and took the audience to a completely different dimension of the world. I really admired the thought that you put into the piece, and I'm sure that you will be satisfied to know that you deserve five stars and two thumbs up! A must buy! Just kidding. But great job though Yamen!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed the central idea behind the story. It was great and the development of the plot and the death just added to my enjoyment. Your expressive details made this story one of the best I've read so far
ReplyDelete