"Memories" by Natalia E

 

Time had no effect on me in my more formative years, it almost felt like I would be forever young. I was happy, complacent with what my life was before and honestly, I never wanted anything to change, being happy gave me that idea. As I got older, time always seemed to be escaping and there was no longer time for anything other than school and friends. Looking back I wish I had enjoyed everything more than I did, especially the smaller things because now  it’s as though time is moving faster than ever. I heavily reminisce back to my childhood and remember how I felt in those moments attempting not to forget the pleasant memories/feelings when the most prominent feelings and memories were needed. I need more, I need better grades, I need this, I need that, I need more time… 

A crucial quantity of time has passed since then, but there has only been a sparse amount of things that have changed throughout the course of 11 years, 365 more days than a decade. Living in a two story house, with the same neighbors, the same people, the same routine, the same everything can be a repetitive and unchanging cycle until the cycle breaks, my cycle broke on September 4th, 2024. A forever date which is unforgettable that preoccupies your life because that person preoccupied your life. I say that they occupied my life but that is not entirely true because although his role was placed on him the day I was born, my relationship with him is(was) complex, a very on and off relationship. I knew that his love was unconditional but his involvement was very conditional.  I also knew that there were other factors and influences throughout my life that made him inconsistent even if it was his fault or not; with that being said growing up was different.

 As I mentioned previously growing up was different, but going out of order for the purpose of the point, middle school was a prime example of challenges and obstacles, like anyone else of course middle school is where changes and important parts of your personality and character develop. I was truly not ready for the amount of development and change that occurred in middle school. The three years of middle school that I endured was like no other due to the fact that my mom was deployed for a year, she was then deployed two more times (like many times before) whilst my mom was deployed my dad was constantly working therefore, leaving me in a state of complete solitude. During her deployment I called my mom for just an ounce of communication and relief to know that I had one more day with her is an inexplicable feeling, especially so young, while I was also fighting to keep up the communication with my other parent that I felt fade so quickly over a long period of time, and just like that we suddenly became people living in the same house. Although, I have heavily focused on the bad there have most definitely been good, with that being said I understand that he was not a terrible person, he continuously chose to make continent decisions that ultimately lead his closest relationships to be rocky and trivial. The good memories I hold to my heart more closely than I did before, there are no more do-overs or creating more and all I have are the memories I try to never forget. In his unknowingly last months I connected with him like I hadn’t before, now that I was older we would talk about a lot of things that slowly bonded us together but not like the other times we had bonded, this time I thought that I could finally have a relationship with my father and finally have a father daughter bond but that was so quickly taken away from me as quickly as it came.

I wanted more time, I should’ve had more time, I crave more time. There is a great deal that I regret not doing, now that I cannot go back and do them, all I have are the memories. I was going to delve into happier memories but I just simply don’t have the time, that seems to be a recurring theme. In the beginning of this narration I was full of resent and curiosity but at this point of the narration I still am curious of who my father was, not the man that I knew relatively but who he actually was because I saw glimpses in his last few months and now I will never truly know. This piece didn’t feel right to now say that he was the best person and the best father but it also felt wrong to disregard the good that did happen too, he has made mistakes like anyone else and I would like to move, not necessarily forgive and forget but be at peace with everything. Although he was not a man of many words to me one of the last or maybe the last conversation I had with him is “Not a lot of people give people their flowers while their still alive”, that has stuck with me ever since he said it and I now regret not giving him his flowers while he was still alive. This personal narrative is my homage to him and I am giving his his flowers now even though if it is already to late.