"Eighteen, but long to be Ten" by Rebekah P

   

The word “adulthood” for me is a hard pill to swallow, it's the realization of transition. But transition also means change and one might argue that change also means growth. I am eighteen you see, but long to be ten. I want to worry about insignificant issues. I want to worry if I have enough money for the book fair, not if I have enough money to get a well-rounded education to pursue my goals. I want to worry about the weather and if it rains, so that I can put on my polka dot glitter rain boots and stomp onto the puddles and not worry about the seasonal sadness that comes with rain that I face every year. I want to worry about the monsters in the dark under my bed and the comfort it brings when my mom reassures me that there is none. I want to worry about hurting my stuffed animals' feelings when I pay more attention to one stuffed animal than the others. I want to worry about the imaginary tea being piping hot when playing with my tea set.  I want to worry about getting caught stealing my mom’s makeup that I used just to put on ridiculous amounts of eyeshadow all over my face. However, only to be faced with the realization that I am no longer 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10 years old. It's been challenging for me to understand that I will never experience all the things listed above until my kids experience it themselves. The harsh reality is that I'm closer to adulthood than I’ll ever be again to my childhood and oh how I will miss it. But transition is growth and growth is good but growing up isn't always so kind. It introduces goodbyes, uncertainty, expectations, responsibilities, and financial stresses which are all aspects of adulthood that make the transition process rather challenging. I believe growing up means outgrowing yourself, outgrowing the make-believe fantasy that once was created when you were ten. Outgrowing the fear of “cooties” and growing into the idea of intimacy. Outgrowing your polka dot glitter rain boots and growing into simple sneakers. It's outgrowing your bedroom which highlighted your love for pink and growing into the color black. Reminiscing to the kid I once was is all a part of maturing, accepting that I am in fact 18 and not 10.  I can't worry about the book fair, the muddy puddles, the monsters. Mainly because I like simple sneakers, the color black, the dark, and coffee instead of tea. I don't have it all figured out but that's the thing about being eighteen, you are expected to come of age and establish your own beliefs and values. Turning 18 is considered a milestone but the truth is navigating through new experiences is something that scares me but it's not so much the path but the idea that that final destination might be failure. When I was 10 I was quite competitive. I never liked to come last when running the mile. I never liked to be found first when playing hide and seek but I guess some things never change because now at 18 I still don't like to be last. I like to perform and to succeed in what I perform in. I do not like to fail nor do I want to fail in upcoming years because to me I have not only failed myself but I have failed my 10-year-old self who was only concerned for her own happiness. So for me, the word, “adulthood” means a journey of growth and new moments to learn that life is unpredictable but when challenges come and, that they will, the lessons will only bring you guidance and wisdom. Because with each new year brings a new age and in the 365 days that you live you will continuously outgrow yourself. So, accept the transition, adulthood is hard, you will fall but you will also heal, so yell and you will be heard, and experience to learn. Growing up is bittersweet but growing up doesn't end when you are eighteen, it continues, so grow and outgrow yourself and outgrow yourself some more to fully grasp that being eighteen is only the beginning so live life as if you were ten years old, embrace the joy and simplicity that life could bring. The freedom one experiences when they are no longer a kid is a wondrous feeling and where the real story of your journey of life starts. Because somewhere between then and now you will long to be eighteen again.