"Magic Pirate Ship or How I Learned to Write Without My Hands" by Joaquin Z

 

These things are itchy, do I have to wear them the whole time?

Alright, well when you lovingly shoved me into the van, then the train, then another bus, then the plane, then another van ride, thanks for at least giving me water. If you guys wanted me to not know where this buildings at, you could’ve just knocked me out, I’d have almost preferred it, I hate flying. You guys have treated about as nice as you seem capable of doing so far, but I think we can all agree that we find myself in extraordinary circumstances. I mean, I was in like a 4-minute conversation with that guard outside and I didn’t even open my mouth once. What can I say? Some things you just can’t teach. Some things you are gifted by something else, though. I expect that’s what you guys wanna hear the most.

I guess this all started when I met Malcom and Chris. Two crazy idiots who got lucky in their chosen craft. They were grave robbers that got too ahead of themselves and set their sights on older scores than business men from the 19th century. Somehow they got word of some ritualistic stuff in rural Ireland, I dont know how, this was all before I met them. They said they never met him in person, never even heard his voice. All they had to go off of was that he lived in rural Dublin and had some kind of impressive job since he was apparently rich in some way.  So they fly out there and get all the stuff they need from the guy that tipped them off. They drive way out to some old fortress in the middle of nowhere (mind you I’m just telling you what they told me) and start poking around the place, not really knowing what they’re looking for. All they were promised was old antique alchemy, occult stuff. They go down some stairs that they described as a 4-minute walk, and walk into this huge, like vertical room. They said it looked like a big, empty dungeon surrounding a huge hole in the floor, almost like a well. Chris told me that once they were in this room, he noticed something weird was up, it faintly smelled like something was burning, their hair stood up like when you’re about to be struck by lightning, and their phones start to “warm up”. Malcolm said his was actually charging while he was holding it in that room. While they’re there the guys texting them with cryptic-ass messages and vague warnings. Apparently he had never really acted weird like that before, so they were starting to lose their nerve and were considering bailing after not finding jack. At about that point, they said, they were super bored and were waiting for their truck guy, me, to get back to the access road, so Malcolm started reading some of the stuff Mr. Mysterious was sending them out loud, as a joke he said. According to him, the texts were in understandable English and were mostly legible, but as they went on they started to get “all weird and spasticated”. After the last string of random words, the show kicked off. The whole place starts to shake and it sounds like some huge storm in brewing in the hall they’re in. According to them, it starts to smell like rotting flesh too, that sickly sweet smell y’know? While this is going on, all the electronic stuff they had on them starts going ballistic, Malcolm’s phone fries out in his hand, he never got that back, Chris’s phone burned a hole through his pants, and the camera he had on him started spazzing out. Eventually the shaking gets so bad it knocks them off of their feet and crashing to the ground, which knock out Chris but Malcom stays awake to see the rest. According to his recollection, the walls started to ‘move away from the well’ and the roof of the chamber started to ‘morph and get all distorted, like when you disrupt the surface of water and the reflections get all wavy’, and a horrible, metal screeching-like sound started to play. Then he described a blindnging white flash of light, and a small popping noise, and then it was over. He got up, walked over to Chris to see if he was alright, and that’s when he noticed her. At some point during all the commotion, she had either crawled out of the hole or just appeared somewhere close to it, but she was there now, just sitting on the ground looking at them. I can go ahead and describe her now, but it’s real hard to do. She was naked so I could see that she was lanky, thin, and pale, she looked like someone who wasn’t starving, but didn’t eat a lot. She had long hair that was always changing color, but it was usually blonde. I noticed that she didn’t have a belly button, nails, or nipples, I’m not sure if the openings for her ears and nose actually went anywhere either. She kind of glowed faintly. Anyways, she was just studying them as Chris regained consciousness, like a animal, and as Malcom helped him up she got up too, and when they started towards the stairwell to get the hell out of there, she followed. They got freaked out by this, so they start booking it up the stairwell, yelling at her to stop and such, and she’s clambering up the stairs as well, silent as a stone, just keeping her eyes on them. I had been waiting at the access road for about half an hour, which I realize now means that the whole shaking must have gone on for at least that amount of time but Malcolm and Chris described it like it was 2 minutes.

Sorry, can I get some water, I think this whole ‘writing with my mind’ thing kinda tires out my body. Thanks.

So I see the two guys I’m supposed to take back to the airport come barreling out of the fortress, out through the gate, and through the like mile-wide plain of grass that separates the road and the fortress, and they’re getting tailed by this tall white figure, which freaks me out too. I put the truck into gear and ride over to the guys to pick them up, and in the process I almost hit the girl. In fact, I would have hit her, had she not disabled my truck. I don’t know what she did, she just kinda glared at me through the windshield and the engine died. Just like that, one second it was running the next, total silence. The scariest part is that the truck just lost all of its momentum, like it’s parked. My head’s ringing like a ball at this point and Malcolm and Chris get knocked on their asses. This is where you might get frustrated with me, because this is where I get frustrated with my own memory, or what’s left of it. When Miss Meretseger, or whatever she is, killed the car, something ran through my body and scrambled it up pretty good. I lost some things, like huge chunks of my memory and my sense of smell, but I gained some things, some very peculiar and incredible abilities. I remember the last week or so, past that, it’s like sailing through a huge body of water during a storm, and these huge, bright lighthouses come drifting into view every once in a while, but they’re my memories. Comforting, warm, memories in the sea of cold, hostile, waters. My christening, my sister’s graduation, my brother’s rehab graduation. My dads face.

Sorry, got in my own head. I don’t like the feeling when you're thinking of heavy stuff. Anyways, yeah she basically gave me and evolutionary remix. Makes me more thirsty too, like my body is using a lot more water than it used to power it all. Weird. My phone was the only that survived, so I call some authorities, I don’t remeber who specifically or what that conversation was like. All I remember from then on is deciding that the best course of action was to twalk back to the nearest town, get to an airpot, and fly back to America. According to the guys, everytime I spoke the ground would shake. On our walk, I leaned on a tree and turned it to glass, which caused it overheat and explode. That was cool. After a couple more edits in my brain, your guards seize us at the terminal, and I’ve been in the loving care of C.A.C.H.E ever since.

So yeah, that about summarizes it. I heard that your guys are tring to catch the girl out in the woods, and that she took down two of your helis. Yeah, good luck with that. Just assign me a number like that zombie virus or the rock that makes you not exist, I’m tired.