" 5 Stages of Grief " by Aysia O

 

An emotional pain no one is ever ready for is when the world seems to crash on you we know as grief. Grief is a state of sadness caused by a loss of someone that comes in a cycle of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. As we all lose someone and have different ways we deal with things, we are never prepared mentally and physically. I never felt this pain or even really touched on the subject of grief until I was living through it. Losing someone who was dear to my heart I never thought they would ever leave my life till years and years later was unfortunately cut short. It began in my favorite month, August. It has sunny weather, my birthday and it was special to me until 2021.

On August 7th, 2021 three days before the start of my sophomore year, my world was turned upside down. As I will not speak on the tragedy, I will explain my grief and how everyone goes through it differently. Starting sophomore year I was different because I was lost. The crazy thing was in English class we had a grief assignment which is where I learned everything about my journey. There was nothing going on in my mind and neither my emotions.  The student I am did not let me slip, but going through a day of school was hard. I would cry for no reason or I would not show up to school because I could not figure out how to be around people. My biggest issue was acting “normal”.  I could not figure out how to pick myself back up from this space and go through life like how I used to. Physically I would overeat and not eat at all because I was not able to comprehend anything and that had an even greater effect on my mind. I thought my grief had begun because I was depressed. I was in a state where nobody was home and I lived like that and believed it was going to be like this forever.

As a family grief was never spoken about but the signs are easy to notice. I realized we were all in different stages or not in any stage at all.  I did not get to take a break off of school like my family did so I was losing my mind. Learning that there is no order to grieve gave me a better sense of mind as I did not feel rushed. The beginning months I was depressed, I had no energy and I felt like my purpose in life was nothing because I was not being successful. As I reflect on my emotions I do not think I went through denial because of how everything happened. I always knew the loss was the end and I never thought a light would switch on and it was a dream. I went straight to acceptance and had to learn to not reflect. I would not allow myself to relive the moments which I think were detrimental in my healing journey as I shut a lot of memories out from my mind to stop my flood of emotions. Anger did not hit until my birthday because I did not get that text or see that person but that is also when my acceptance happened because I knew it was the end. I was angry with God and could not forgive him for the pain he caused me and my family but I am working on that and building my relationship with him again. Now I feel my relationship with him has grown so much through this journey. 

            Grief has no timeline and it took me a while to figure out that. I think I hit the premature stages of grief but I do not think I am ok and ready to move on from the situation.  What I do know is I am stronger from this, nothing has had a bigger effect on me than this and I learned to be the person I am today. I have a better understanding of how emotions work when dealing with a new emotion. I do not ever think I will “complete” the grieving cycle because I think this pain I will carry forever and I think instead of hating that pain, I have learned to live with it. I have found ways to make it through my days without bursting. The takeaway from this is yes grieving and feeling a whirlwind of emotions is new and difficult but it gets easier to manage as you learn how to adjust your life to this new experience and state of being.