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Thursday, January 28, 2021

"2:56am" by Dianna V

 

 

There is nothing in particular that has affected me greatly in my life, only the usual ups and downs throughout. As I cried for not wanting to go to school during kindergarten, unable to leave my mother due to the immense attachment, as I transitioned to middle school and had to socialize, and finally as I progressed to high school having to leave my dear friends. There was nothing wrong mentally per se, but I had noticed myself slowly slipping away as the years had passed. It is the typical stress from the amount of rigorous classes I was taking, nothing big - though, that is what I had always said.

 

Each day felt more tiring than before. Each day had felt increasingly more repetitive than the previous. I had enveloped myself so in school, so I chose to ignore myself, oddly enough. I hadn’t thought much of it regardless, and I didn’t think those around me would notice anything at all due to my decision of neglecting. Of course, the year 2020 had not alleviated this situation in the slightest. For most, it was presumably the most strenuous and burdensome. The absence of friends, the increase in schoolwork, the state of isolation all contributed to further numbness. As stated, I had not thought it was noticeable due to my choice of disregarding, and I had believed it remained in that circumstance.

 

The day I turned seventeen, I had celebrated it with a small party, no more than ten people occupying my house. It was enjoyable, but the constant thought of wanting to leave, wanting to be in my bed and sleep the night away had surrounded my mind. The feeling of exhaustion had consumed me. Though, I had greatly relished the receiving of gifts (I, for one, absolutely adore the materialistic things). My mom had given me a gift, along with a card including a written message, the last words stating “We miss your smile, mija.”Again, I had not thought any of it was noticeable.

 

The days, weeks, and months had progressed, with each one remaining monotonous to the fullest. Needless to say that was not to persist. My family had been notified of my aunt’s infection of coronavirus. As a result of a few family members having already been infected with the virus and recovered, we also thought she would recover. That was not the case whatsoever, unfortunately. Two months had progressed, with my grandma’s additional infection of the virus as well, and there was no sign of improvement in any of them. My aunt being the first to go was disheartening. The thought of not being able to see her again, never feeling welcome in the warm house of hers as I visited Mexico, never being able to taste her exceedingly spicy chilaquiles again. My dad in a feeling of melancholy, my mom crying, my siblings and I further isolating ourselves - I had much preferred the monotonous and repetitive days over this. The passing of my grandma had been not long after my aunt. This one definitely had hurt the most as I would never hear her heartfelt singing as she sang her favorite song, the one she would really only remember, now being one I adore the most. My dad had now left to Mexico for the second time, as the further division of my family had proceeded. We never took deaths that well.

 

The wearisome days had returned, and my taking in distractions had increased. Whether it was being deeply engaged in social media, my continuous undivided attention to shows, or my


focus in reading. I had exceptionally longed for the days where I had smiled often, just as my mother said. I had missed the feeling of excitement when talking about something I adored, whether it was the moon, the stars, or the night sky. I had missed the happy girl filled with exhilaration as I saw the ones I loved. The girl who agreed to go anywhere for the enjoyment and company of others. Now, as I stay in my covers, with the overbearing thought of my siblings explaining “Dianna we only see you twice a day”. Or when they ask, “how is that whenever I go into your room you’re always sleeping?” To answer the question, it is the continuous restlessness I feel, despite the three hour naps with the additional nine hours of sleep per night. Or when they ask “why do you forget everything” as if it is expected of me to remember.

 

As I write this at 2:56am, I ask, why does everything have to be so draining?

13 comments:

  1. I really appreciated you discussing very personal situations. These months have been very interesting. Things that I brought me joy no longer does. Days feel like years. I just see the time past and I wonder if it will get better. I admire you being vulnerable and discussing your perspective about this time. -Amorette C.

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  2. Dianna! I'm so sorry you had to/continue to go through this! I can relate so so so much to how you feel, where life just turns into an empty blur. Heck, I feel like I've been living the same day over and over again, myself. You were so courageous to write about something so personal! I promise you, there is a light, even if it seems so dark right now.

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  3. Wow. Thank you for writing this piece and releasing your feelings. I'm so sorry for your loss and I truly hope your family is doing well now. This piece is so powerful, meaningful, and definitely relatable to a lot of people nowadays. I personally could relate to a lot that you said and to answer your question, I don't understand why everything is so draining. I'm really just waiting for people to finally see what we as students and teenagers are going through and for them to stop demanding so much of us because we only have so much to give. Again, this was beautiful and push through. I promise there's light at the end of the tunnel.

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  4. I want to start off saying I'm so sorry you had to go through this. You are so strong and I admire your vulnerability. I was in the same position you are this past year and I promise things do get better. You may not be the same person at the end, but you will be so much stronger and you will appreciate the moments of happiness you find so much more.

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  5. Dianna, I am so sorry for your loss, I know words mean little sometimes when the feelings are so overwhelming and cumbersome, but I am truly so sorry you and your family are going through this. I know the exact feelings you are talking about, the constant emptiness feeling that returns every time you wake up, making you want to just go back to sleep. The feeling that makes you want to pour yourself into anything else but that feeling. It is terrible, and constant and feels like you're trapped, but being able to identify that feeling, and talk about it is so important. I'm so proud of you for still fighting everyday, and being able to talk about your feelings. It will get better, I promise you! Hopefully we can escape this pandemic soon, and we won't lose anymore of the people we love. Hopefully, we can start to fill that empty space back up again soon. Things will get better, just keep surviving, take everyday at your own pace. - Nicole Lillie

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  6. Wow Dianna! Your story is extremely relatable. You perfectly express how stress can affect our behavior and take a toll on our lives. It's comforting to see that others experience the same struggles I do, so thank you for sharing!

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  7. You're so strong and these past months of feeling disconnected from everything is hopefully going to change soon. It is going to get better having hope in seeing friends and remembering the good things in life will help. It might not be the same things that once made you happy but you will find new joys in life. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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  8. Dianna I am so sorry for the loss of your loved ones, you endured such imaginable pain that nobody should ever have to go through. This was so beautifully written as it was raw with emotion and vulnerable, it kind of felt like a diary entry where you released everything that had been consuming you, I also loved how you mentioned the impact of the birthday card. Thank you so much for sharing love, I hope you find you're smile soon, things will get better <3

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  9. Oh Dianna, my dearest friend. The emotion and imagery in this piece is absolutely amazing. I am so sorry for your losses. You have endured so much this past year and you are so strong. I relate so much to your piece. Thank you for sharing with us such personal aspects of your life. <3 -gisselle flores

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  10. This piece was very well written and you conveyed your emotions very well. I empathize with your pain and you have done a really good job at taking care of yourself, I hope you know that. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this with us.

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  11. I think you expressed your feelings very well and I'm happy you did so. This pandemic is taking a toll on us all, physically and mentally, and too often it can be just too draining to put any effort into things anymore, but getting that out there is the first step to real change, and not enough people get this chance.

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  12. Dianna,

    I would like to start off that I am expressing my deepest condolences to you and your family. This pandemic has taken so many great people from us. You are so strong for enduring such loss. The emotion of this entry is so clearly pictured here that anyone reading can feel it. We're almost there, and I promise that things will get better. Thank you for sharing something so personal, we're all rooting for you!

    -Jesse Ortiz

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  13. Dianna, I'm so sorry that you had to endure the loss of two of your loved ones, especially from a distance. The feeling that comes with the realization that there are things that made you feel all happy and warm inside that you will never get to experience again- not to mention those feelings being tied to a person- often keep me up at night too. Wondering when it will stop being so draining to think back at those warm moments, wondering why I didn't cherish them enough when I had them, wondering when i'll stop wondering. Thank you for sharing this, and I hope you find how to stop wondering. -Estella Poirier :)

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