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Wednesday, December 16, 2020

"An Open Letter to Myself" by Victoria H

 

Dear V,

I remember all your life you were known as a happy girl with big dreams. You were daddy’s little girl who loved snuggle time and mommy’s big helper who loved to help crack the eggs and turn on the mixer when making a cake. I remember when you were 9 years old and wondering “How can someone ever willingly leave their parents when they become adults?” when your older cousin was telling you how much she hated her parents and how badly she wanted to leave them. You thought she was insane when she disobeyed her mother or talked back to her father.

You didn’t have any consistent friends growing up, but that’s okay because you were there for yourself. When dad was at work and mom was busy with her other four kids, you learned to be there and watch out for yourself. I remember you were 6 years old helping change your baby brother’s smelly diapers. You were 10 years old when you burned your hand from accidentally touching the hot pot when you made food for your siblings when your parents were both at work. You grew up watching your older sister’s friends come and go, and you consistently sat alone at lunch. I remember you labeled your loneliness as you just being independent. As you continued to grow, your loneliness became comforting.

Because you grew up caring for others; you continued to do so. You love others with your whole heart, no matter how much they hurt you. You spent so much time loving others you had no room in your heart to love yourself. You simply tore yourself to shreds being there for everyone. At the end of the day when you were by yourself you couldn’t even bear to look yourself in the mirror. Though you were seen as this happy, bubbly person at school, you weren’t. I think the show you put on was to convince yourself and others that you were okay when you weren’t. That coping mechanism is still used by you to this day. You believed for so long that your happiness came from the satisfying feeling when someone texted you a quick “ty! :)” after sending them study guides. You thought your worth came from what others thought of you. Victoria, how did we get here? You used to be so carefree; you only cared about the way your mom thought about your outfits you put together. How did you let your happy-go-lucky self dig yourself into this hole of bad emotions? You base your happiness off of the acceptance of others. You change your personality in order to fit what the people around you like so much that I don’t even know who you are. You schedule yourself for 25-30 hours a week just so you won’t have time to sit and think and be alone with your thoughts, because when you do you hate yourself so much that all you can do is cry. It’s so frustrating watching the person you became. You find comfort in sadness, validation in Instagram likes and comments; that isn’t right. You barely talk to your parents; you and your sister can’t even be in the same room as each other for more than five minutes. You can’t come home from hanging out with friends without killing yourself over the thought of “Do they actually like me or are they just being nice.” How did you get this way, and how did you get yourself out of it?


I remember earlier this year, you lost everything when the stay-at-home order was in place. It happened only a couple of hours before your birthday. All of your plans went to nothing as you laid in bed in your birthday staring at the ceiling. Two weeks later, you put your whole heart into a school election, which you had dreamt of for so many years prior. That didn’t work out in your favor either. You were completely lost. You were broken. You were a shell of the person you were once before. And then, you found God. You had always been religious, but you never had that “ah-ha” moment. I remember you spent almost half an hour pouring your heart out, and He answered immediately. Nothing brought you more to peace than that reassuring feeling that you would be okay. Since then, you still get sad sometimes, but knowing God loves you pulls you out of your slump every time.

I am so happy to see that you have so many wonderful friends who love you dearly and are passionate about the things that matter. The end result was COMPLETELY worth the pain.

V, I leave you with one last thing that you need to remember forever and ever: love and trust in God and you will be okay. He knows your worth and His validation is the only thing that matters at the end of the day.

 

I love you,

Victoria Howell

13 comments:

  1. Awww Victoria, thank you for sharing this sincere and honest letter to yourself. I truly enjoyed reading it and also being able to relate to your willingness to bring laughter, joy and happiness to others. I suppose a huge process of growth is being able to truly find yourself for the best of yourself and no one else. I hope you are forever that lovely and bubbly person that everyone loves and adores! -- xo, Zhenwei

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  2. Victoria! Wow-what a beautiful story it made me emotional. I just want to say from the moment I met you I’ve always thought of you so highly and believe you are a great person. I’m so glad that you found yourself and that you depend on your personal validation and not the opinion of others. I love your writing technique, each paragraph flows with one another cohesively. The ending is a perfect way to tie off the end of your writing and it left me, as the reader with peace. Great job! I’m so excited to see all the growth you accomplish this year. I believe in you!

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  3. Victoria Howell, I admired every single bit of this letter and immediately was engaged with how well written, transparent, and genuine this letter was. I loved the contrast of the wholesome memories of who you once were that enhanced the loneliness and insecurities you felt; making it hurt more that you lost who you were. Thank you for sharing this, thank you for sharing when you were happiest but also your lowest; I love to see your growth from this and that you finally are at peace with yourself as you should be ! You are a beautiful and talented human being and have the power to achieve so much :)

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  4. I really loved how open you were with us, because I know it is not an easy thing. I know that everything that has happened to you has not been easy, but the way you've completely turned it around and found the best in every situation is truly amazing.

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  5. I enjoyed reading your entry Victoria because of how personal it was. You shared a self reflection of yourself that most of us never really see. I also can relate to how you became comfortable with loneliness. Sometimes it can be satisfying and the only option you have at times, but that doesn't mean it's something we have to become accustomed to.

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  6. Victoria, this was so touching and amazing to read. I'm so happy that you were able to open up and talk about the way you feel. This piece is truly encouraging because this pandemic has taught me a lot about true friends and the feeling of being lonely. Knowing that there's always a light at the end of the tunnel is very inspiring. Great job!!

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  7. Wow Victoria! Thank you for sharing this letter, as it is so personal and emotional. I could relate to how you were feeling in so many ways. I am so happy that you were able to find something that you grew passionate about and was able to grow from it. You are genuinely one of the most bubbliest and brightest people I know, and I know that you have so much more to accomplish!

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  8. I like the way you wrote to yourself as if you were talking to someone else; it puts into perspective the way you really viewed yourself as, not really you. To hear you have gone through so much makes me sad but comforted in a way that I can relate to that feeling of losing yourself, and always wondering what went wrong to lead you to who you are now. This was so beautifully written, thank you for sharing.

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  9. I really liked how vulnerable you chose to be with your letter. To the audience, the letter was absolutely engaging. The letter also had a nice flow, there weren't any abrupt changes or anything like that. Overall, this was very well written!!!

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  10. This is beautiful, Victoria! The progression of your thoughts and the growth it took to get you to this point is so inspiring. I also love the approach you took with writing a letter to yourself to tell your story, rather than just writing about it. I really enjoyed reading your work, thank you for sharing!

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  11. Love how you put your emotions into your writing and were able to get very personal with your writing this was amazing and I commend you for your courage in writing this!👍

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  12. I really liked reading this Victoria! We have known each other for the longest time, and this just shows how much someone can be going threw and you probably have absolutely know idea what is going on in their mind; because I certainly would not have expected this from you. I am glad that you had your little "ah-ha" moment, and you did what made you happy. Happiness truly is the key in life :)!

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  13. This letter was so pure and heartfelt I loved reading it. I admire your growth and how personal you got thank you for sharing

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