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Monday, September 28, 2020

"Diphenhydramine" by Eiana D

  

Trigger Warning: this subject might be triggering to certain audiences.(In honor of the Suicide Prevention Month)

Diphenhydramine, otherwise known as Benadryl, is a drug known to treat allergic reactions,fevers, cold symptoms and insomnia. The pill bottles always have the warnings not to take more than the recommended dosage, which is around 8 pills in 24 hours because it can be harmful in large amounts. An overdose in diphenhydramine may cause extreme drowsiness, confusion,increased heart rate, seizures and even a coma. 

I took more than 20 pills that night. 

A cat has 9 lives. The origin of this myth and expression is unknown, but it has existed for centuries and differs from culture to culture. It is used in everyday language and famous literature and works such as William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. 

If I was a cat, I would have 6 out of 9 lives left.

 I lost a life for every handful of pills I took and after every attempt, I still somehow cheated death. I was never proud of my actions and it is still very hard for me to talk about this experience, however I realized that denying my past would only put me into a state of desolation. I hated it when people asked me why I suddenly disappeared from school for a week because it caught me off guard and I would answer the same way every time: I was sick. It was not a lie because I really was sick, physically and emotionally. Like the expression of a cat’s nine lives, there is no definite origin to my suffering. Maybe it was from the self- inflicted pressure because of my fear of failure or my inability to say no and always putting others before myself... or maybe it was genetics since my family tree has a few bruised apples. 

I was sick of everything. I always wondered why I was trying so hard when I knew I would not make it to graduation. I wanted to stray away from my responsibilities, from school, and from my own mind. I decided to overwork myself physically in order to make up for my declining mental health. I drowned myself in schoolwork, extracurricular activities, exercise and any more you can think of. Initially, it worked wonders. The formal dining became my haven where I could focus on my work and drown out my thoughts. I did not feel the need to cry, to eat or to talk to anyone because all my energy was focused on school and nothing else. However overtime, my grip on my books loosened and my grip on the pill bottles tightened. Everyday was a blur and it felt like I was just watching myself go about my day and follow the same routine over and over again. I thought that God was foolish for bringing someone like me into this world. I did not make a difference in anyone’s lives and was just living in the same cycle of self-destruction. I was emotionally dead and numb and I just wanted to be physically done too.

Although my initial plan was to meet death, I was reborn. The memory of my waking resembled that of a newborn’s. I do not remember what happened, where I was, and who I was but I knew that event took place because it explained my existence at this moment. Afraid of the pain that came with growth, I was hesitant to learn how to stand and to continue to walk again. However,the pain in everyone’s voice and eyes after that incident stuck to me. Life is God’s greatest gift.Through the kindness of others, He showed me that His arms were wide open and just waiting for me to trust that He will make something beautiful out of my scattered pieces. I stood up and took my first steps with the realization that I have yet to fulfill my purpose in this world. I stopped trying to search for my purpose but I chose to accept that I have one and look forward to its fulfillment. 

The atmosphere has changed compared to how it was on the night of February 25th. Seven months ago. By allowing myself to feel and to take a pause and really reflect on everything around me, I was able to move a couple more steps forward. I knew I had to break and accept the uncertainty of the future in order to be one step closer to my true potential. I just needed to trust in myself to keep going and persevere. My steps are small and wavering but I have my faith as my crutches. 

“It is sometimes so bitterly cold in the winter that one says, ‘The cold is too awful for me to care whether summer is coming or not; the harm outdoes the good.’ But with or without our approval,the severe weather does come to an end eventually and one fine morning the wind changes and there is the thaw. When I compare the state of the weather to the state of mind and our circumstances, subject to change and fluctuation like the weather, then I still have some hope that things may get better.” - Vincent Van Gogh, in a letter to his brother Theo from 1879.

39 comments:

  1. I liked that you put a disclaimer at the top and also that you told the story almost in pieces, starting at the middle of your conflict, and then moving to the calm before the storm. I think it was good for you to accept your situation enough to share it and I think that this was a great way to light it. You didn't sound like a speaker from my elementary school cafeteria, you sounded like a person telling their story. Thank you for sharing :)
    -Isaiah Garza

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  2. This is beautiful. Your strength is admirable. You mean so much to this world and it was inspiring how you described your journey from a dark moment to a point in life where you realized how much people cared for you and how much God loved you. I love how you used the word "reborn" to describe how you felt when you woke up created a beautiful literary image for the reader. The way you incorporate your faith into the description of your journey was emotional and amazing. Beautiful writing and amazing story! I'm so happy your still here!

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  3. I can relate to this a lot because there was a period of time where I was just like you said, sick, both mentally and emotionally. This speak to me on a personal level, it was well written good job!

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  4. Hi Eiana, I just hope that you are in a better state of mind now! <3

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  5. I really like how you put a disclaimer, because you waste no time getting into the story after that. I also love how you structured this piece, starting at the middle of your conflict, then moving to the "calm before the storm" and then to your point of healing after. I like that you kept it true to you and it didn't sound like a speech I'd get in my elementary school cafeteria. It felt like a personal piece. I like it :)

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  6. I absolutely LOVE your article. Not only is your writing beautiful, it real and encouraging. You discuss the struggle and hardship of metal health issues that many students faced and are still fighting. Your testimony of your mental and emotional health journey is inspiring because of how empowered and strong you became from it.

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  7. Hi, I hope that you are doing better! I know that many students struggle with mental health and (unfortunately) it is a topic that society tends to avoid. The phrases "newborn" and "reborn" illustrate your mental healing and your new relationship with God. I believe that the quote by Vincent Van Gogh ties this whole piece together.

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  8. I love this writing piece so much. The way you have an establishing start with an informational tone talking of the pills and the cat lives, and cutting in with those tone-changing sentences to shift the reader's attention to the real topic. It keeps the audience engaged; it made me want to keep reading. I like that you start out describing the way things were before, that you had to go through a lot to get where you are now. The change from disparity to hopefulness in the last couple paragraphs shows you have grown and you have persevered, and with the help of God, is especially encouraging. It is inspiring to hear you have climbed your highest mountain and have made it to where you did not think you could be. I especially enjoyed your decision to end it with a quote from Van Gogh that directly parallels your growth; that he too believed the winter was too cold to look forward to a summer of warmth. I am glad you have grown and I am glad you could share your journey with us.

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  9. Eiana, this is absolutely beautiful. Everyday is a struggle, but I'm glad you've realized that God has given you purpose to be here. I loved when you said you were reborn and then referencing the memory of a newborn. This was very well written, and I'm so glad this is a success story. This is a new beginning!

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  10. This was absolutely beautiful. I admire and appreciate your vulnerably with sharing your story and strength to overcome those dark places and still be here. It felt extremely personal, kind of like I was reading a journal entry which created an emotional bond between you and whoever was reading this, possibly passing the encouragement and hope to them. I also loved how you compared this station to the theory of a cat with nine lines, it was extremely clever and unique. I loved reading your article and am happy your here love your truly inspiring!

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  11. Hi Eiana, I hope you are feeling better :).I really love your article and I think it was truly encouraging to those who go through similar situations. I think this article was also very powerful and you being able to open up about something that is very personal is just something that amazes me.

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  12. Hi beautiful, thank you for sharing something incredibly personal. I know it wasn't easy and took every ounce of strength in you. I don't know you personally but I just know you are incredibly strong. Thank you for being a voice for those who struggle with their mental health. Although your past is a part of you, please remember it does not define you. I hope your healing process is going well. You deserve everything this life has to offer. Take care <3

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  13. The writing is put together very nicely with very interesting word choices, especially the connection you made with feeling reborn. I also like how the quote in the end gives hope to those struggling with a similar problem. I really appreciate your courage to write about this very dark and personal topic that many people tend to avoid and sometimes ignore completely. I hope things are getting better.

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  14. My Filipino Reyna. You are one of the most beautiful people I have ever met. Every single time I see you, whether it be in person or over social media, I can't help but stop and appreciate your beauty and perseverance. Not me being jealous of how smart you are...HAHA. I know we aren't the closest of friends, if I even have the honor of calling myself that, but with your experiences in mind, I have nothing but even more of the utmost respect for you as a person. Salamat ate! Uyyyyy, Ang gandang ganda mo kaya......😳❤️👄❤️

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  15. Your ability to share this story shows how much strength you have. Your story was absolutely beautiful and so relatable to kids our age. I think sometimes society finds a way to push down the problem of mental health, when it should be something we talk about. I really enjoyed the language you used, it was academic yet simple enough to make the audience know exactly what you are talking about. I am overall so impressed with what you wrote and so happy you are still her today! You mean so much and have so much to give, never forget that! :) -Ashlee Mills

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  16. This genuinely brought me to tears and I reading the italics in the beginning made me audibly gasp. Your writing is so beautiful and moving and I have never read something so similar to my own thoughts and feelings that it gave me chills. I loved the way that this piece felt as though you were almost talking to me, not some generic "keep going" speech, but actually inspiring. I was already crying when I read the quote at the end but that was such an amazing way to end this incredibly written article. Thank you for this. - Estella Poirier :)

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  17. You are so brave for having the courage to write this piece! I know the feelings you discussed and I am so happy you’re still here with us Eiana! You are strong and you are powerful! Even when recovering, and healing it is easy to fall back down, but you are tough enough to persevere and get back up! I thank you for sharing your story with us, so many people are struggling right now, especially with quarantine. You’ve helped in giving me the courage to be strong during these tough times. Well done! Stay Strong!
    - Nicole Lillie

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  18. Abigail Babatunde

    You are such a strong person and this story says so much in as little words as possible. I can't say I am proud of it but I share the same experience as you and look at us. I love seeing stories that are relatable because it makes me feel like i am not in this alone. I truly want to say thank you for sharing your story with us because I know how hard that could have been. You are such an amazing person and this took me a while to realize but life is and i cant stress this enough "Gods greatest gift"

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  19. The striking subject matter is heartbreaking, yet its finality in the good that befalls all bad things truly is inspiring. The "cat with nine lives" phrase is such a simple statement that you used to describe a situation that you likewise wanted to simplify. Unknown origin of phrase alike with unknown origin of pain. It is a phrase often considered so silly and yet within the context of this writing is the haunting desperation for clarity. But beyond this desire for understanding came something altogether more important: a self-reconstruction. Whether or not this process of healing has led you to an understanding of your prior struggles is trivial because the reinvigorated strength birthed from your new resolve to fulfill a greater purpose on Earth leads you evermore hopeful. I appreciate the trouble you went through in uncovering such a painful topic and there is no doubt that your determination will lead you past and through all foreseeable hardship. Thank you for the beautiful writing.

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  20. This is such a vulnerable piece and it's so well written. There's so much imagery that you can feel the purpose behind each and every word. It's impossible to not be moved by your writing. It makes me so, so happy to know you are in a better place now and you are trying to discover your new lease on life. You really should be so proud of yourself, even when some days are harder than others.

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  21. I just want to start off by saying that you're so strong and amazing for sharing your story. Thank you for sharing your story because I know this will personally touch others, myself included, and your courage to share this lets others know they're not alone. The way you told your story, especially with the 9 lives reference, was so amazing and very well written. The connection you made to how you were reborn was so powerful and showed how it was a new beginning. I hope you are doing better now and just know you do have a purpose in this life! - Sarah Midou

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  22. This piece is simply wonderful and touching in so many ways. Firstly, I want to mention how strong and brave you are to share such a personal piece. Every word spoke volumes and conveyed such a powerful message that there is indeed light at the end of the tunnel. I’m very glad to come across this piece as it also touched me on a personal level. I felt connected to you and your story, and I’m so glad to hear that you’re doing better—and when you mentioned having strong faith too, it is so admirable! God is indeed always with you :)

    - Chrissy Lopez

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  23. Hello beautiful! By simply reading your words, I can tell what an incredibly strong person you are. I wanna thank you so much for being so vulnerable in your writing and speaking about a topic many people do not but should touch on. Your piece was so beautifully structured and I could really understand your purpose in writing. Amazing job!

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  24. Eiana, thank you for sharing your story. It brought so much hope and comfort to me (and I'm sure everyone else who read). This subject always almost seems impossible to talk about, but you were able to explain it and how you were able to overcome it. Thank you for breaking that boundary most of us are so afraid to break. Thank you for being so vulnerable to us, as your audience. Please know that you are not alone! We are here for you! You are right! Life IS God's greatest gifts. HE LOVES YOU! Your piece was beautiful and I appreciate you so much for opening up.

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  25. Hi Eiana, I really am glad to hear that you have a different perspective on life now. Your story is beautiful and hearing your peace is so inspiring, YOU ARE SO STRONG! I am so glad to have you in a class this year and meet you as a person, you are lovely. Stay strong love.
    -Marwa Jamily

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  26. You wrote your experience and struggles like a professionally written novel. I'm glad you're making progress. That's something to be incredibly proud of, no matter how small or how much your steps are wavering. Life can be hard, and it is amazing how much strength you have to be able to share how hard life can be. I'm glad you're a cat :D

    Aries Tacderan

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  27. Eiana, your piece was amazing and beautiful. The usage of a cat only having nine lives truly started the composure immaculately. The story-telling of personal experience, and experience of the speaker truly allowed oneself to create an image. A great piece was written, as well as the flow of writing, ending with the quote to tie everything together. I hope you are doing well, and an astonishing piece of writing you wrote.
    - Dianna Villasenor

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  28. You are so strong to share your story! You are loved and I'm glad that you're healing. You deserve the whole world plus more <3

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  29. Eiana I would have never seen the pain you went through if you hadn't shared. Your strength and courage to push through and share is amazing wow. I'm so glad that you shared and I hope you doing better physically and mentally today. If you need me I'm here and remember God's got you and has a bigger plans that you can't even imagine for you <3 <3 <3
    -Seyi Alli

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  30. Thank you for sharing your story and I admire you for being so strong and brave. The beginning of your story was very informative with writing about the 9 lives of a cat and relating it to your story that was very beautifully written. I really think the quote at the end brings the whole writing together. I hope you are a much better state of mind and continue to stay strong.

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  31. This is truly one of the most heartfelt pieces of literature I have ever read. You are so brave and courageous, and also one of the few writers that moved me to tears. The use of literary devices as a "cat with nine lives" was simply stunning to use to compare with your experiences. You are so strong, and you are giving such inspiration to people like me and others who have been in similar situations. You endured all of the adversity life threw at you, and you overcame and conquered. Thank you so much for sharing such a hard and emotional time in your lives, and remember to never give up. Excellent job!

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  32. Wow this was so powerful and breathtaking you are so strong I loved this so much

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  33. First off I want to say that you are so brave and strong, and I teared up from the emotions that went into this piece. Your writing is beautiful, and it really pulled me into the state of mind you had. The parts about a cat's nine lives and the drug diphenhydramine were really well tied into the overall piece. The shift in the piece with the part of being "reborn" was incredibly done, and it really showed a change in tone. Overall, you did such an amazing job and also you were so courageous in sharing this. By sharing this dark place you went through, it felt like you were reaching out to us as well. Thank you, and don't forget you are loved and cared for by many, including me - Janelle De Dios

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  34. Eiana, I want to first start off by saying that I respect you for recounting such a troubled and painful part of your life in a beautiful manner. Your story is empowering and invokes determination into anyone who reads it. Although you said you intended to meet death you instead met resolve and found a new purpose that made you continue to thrive through life. I think anyone can take from your story something positive to apply to their life and use it as motivation to pursue their hopes and dreams. (Brandon Ochoa)

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  35. Eiana, I want to first start off by saying that I respect you for recounting such a troubled and painful part of your life in a beautiful manner. Your story is empowering and invokes determination into anyone who reads it. Although you said you intended to meet death you instead met resolve and found a new purpose that made you continue to thrive through life. I think anyone can take from your story something positive to apply to their life and use it as motivation to pursue their hopes and dreams. (Brandon Ochoa)

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  36. Eiana, I want to first start off by saying that I respect you for recounting such a troubled and painful part of your life in a beautiful manner. Your story is empowering and invokes determination into anyone who reads it. Although you said you intended to meet death you instead met resolve and found a new purpose that made you continue to thrive through life. I think anyone can take from your story something positive to apply to their life and use it as motivation to pursue their hopes and dreams. (Brandon Ochoa)

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  37. Eiana, I want to first start off by saying that I respect you for recounting such a troubled and painful part of your life in a beautiful manner. Your story is empowering and invokes determination into anyone who reads it. Although you said you intended to meet death you instead met resolve and found a new purpose that made you continue to thrive through life. I think anyone can take from your story something positive to apply to their life and use it as motivation to pursue their hopes and dreams. (Brandon Ochoa)

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  38. I really loved your story and I feel that it was beautifully executed. I have also been through this struggle and you were able to encapsulate every feeling within this piece. No matter what we put this pressure no one sees or that we are able to understand ourselves, and yet we still have to fight it. I am so glad that you live to see your graduation and keep writing more. :)

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  39. Hi Eiana, thank you for sharing your story. First and foremost, I know this topic is an extremely touchy subject and I’m very glad that you are now in a much better place. I loved how you described your new found relationship with God and how you realized that He had open arms for you. This piece shows the strength and courage you have and I applaud you for that. I hope that you never have to experience that pain again and you know that you are always worth it. Never forget that <3

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