"Diphenhydramine" by Eiana D

  

Trigger Warning: this subject might be triggering to certain audiences.(In honor of the Suicide Prevention Month)

Diphenhydramine, otherwise known as Benadryl, is a drug known to treat allergic reactions,fevers, cold symptoms and insomnia. The pill bottles always have the warnings not to take more than the recommended dosage, which is around 8 pills in 24 hours because it can be harmful in large amounts. An overdose in diphenhydramine may cause extreme drowsiness, confusion,increased heart rate, seizures and even a coma. 

I took more than 20 pills that night. 

A cat has 9 lives. The origin of this myth and expression is unknown, but it has existed for centuries and differs from culture to culture. It is used in everyday language and famous literature and works such as William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. 

If I was a cat, I would have 6 out of 9 lives left.

 I lost a life for every handful of pills I took and after every attempt, I still somehow cheated death. I was never proud of my actions and it is still very hard for me to talk about this experience, however I realized that denying my past would only put me into a state of desolation. I hated it when people asked me why I suddenly disappeared from school for a week because it caught me off guard and I would answer the same way every time: ​I was sick. ​It was not a lie because I really was sick, physically and emotionally. Like the expression of a cat’s nine lives, there is no definite origin to my suffering. Maybe it was from the self- inflicted pressure because of my fear of failure or my inability to say no and always putting others before myself... or maybe it was genetics since my family tree has a few bruised apples. 

I was sick of everything. I always wondered why I was trying so hard when I knew I would not make it to graduation. I wanted to stray away from my responsibilities, from school, and from my own mind. I decided to overwork myself physically in order to make up for my declining mental health. I drowned myself in schoolwork, extracurricular activities, exercise and any more you can think of. Initially, it worked wonders. The formal dining became my haven where I could focus on my work and drown out my thoughts. I did not feel the need to cry, to eat or to talk to anyone because all my energy was focused on school and nothing else. However overtime, my grip on my books loosened and my grip on the pill bottles tightened. Everyday was a blur and it felt like I was just watching myself go about my day and follow the same routine over and over again. I thought that God was foolish for bringing someone like me into this world. I did not make a difference in anyone’s lives and was just living in the same cycle of self-destruction. I was emotionally dead and numb and I just wanted to be physically done too.

Although my initial plan was to meet death, I was reborn. The memory of my waking resembled that of a newborn’s. I do not remember what happened, where I was, and who I was but I knew that event took place because it explained my existence at this moment. Afraid of the pain that came with growth, I was hesitant to learn how to stand and to continue to walk again. However,the pain in everyone’s voice and eyes after that incident stuck to me. ​Life is God’s greatest gift.Through the kindness of others, He showed me that His arms were wide open and just waiting for me to trust that He will make something beautiful out of my scattered pieces. I stood up and took my first steps with the realization that I have yet to fulfill my purpose in this world. I stopped trying to search for my purpose but I chose to accept that I have one and look forward to its fulfillment. 

The atmosphere has changed compared to how it was on the night of February 25th. Seven months ago. By allowing myself to feel and to take a pause and really reflect on everything around me, I was able to move a couple more steps forward. I knew I had to break and accept the uncertainty of the future in order to be one step closer to my true potential. I just needed to trust in myself to keep going and persevere. My steps are small and wavering but I have my faith as my crutches. 

“It is sometimes so bitterly cold in the winter that one says, ‘The cold is too awful for me to care whether summer is coming or not; the harm outdoes the good.’ But with or without our approval,the severe weather ​does​ come to an end eventually and one fine morning the wind changes and there is the thaw. ​When I compare the state of the weather to the state of mind and our circumstances, subject to change and fluctuation like the weather, then I still have some hope that things may get better.” - Vincent Van Gogh, in a letter to his brother Theo from 1879.