" So This is Love? " by Justin L

     I didn’t even know what that meant. I had “love” for select people and that was my
family and friends but holding out so long on my own, I couldn’t bear to hold any more. I
expected people to come around, but I held fast because holding onto myself was enough. It was
the peak of high school and there was too much going on. Life was too busy, too stressful, and
too emotionally taxing as it is, why add another's burdens to it all? Why carry the weight of
someone else’s world and be their hero with no guarantee that they would be yours?
     Relationships were tiresome (they always were) and loving someone like that meant giving a
piece of me for them to do whatever they pleased. It meant vulnerability and commitment, things
I didn’t have to spare.  It didn’t seem worth it to give myself up and to put my heart on my sleeve
hoping that someone wouldn’t break it. But then again, I had never met you. 
     You came on a Summer breeze, although I barely noticed when you waltzed into my life.
I blinked and there you were. Nothing overtly special, but just… there.  It was slow at first.
     When you came, there wasn’t an introduction. There never really was a need for one. First it was
a hello in the hallways. Next came the chit chats in the classroom. You clicked so well into my
daily routine that I just came to expect the habitual acknowledgements.  It was slow at first.
     Slowly the chit chats grew into midnight messaging and my understanding of you deepened. I
didn’t know everything and I didn’t need to, knowing you were there for me was enough.  Knowing that even if neither of us ever said a word that we could read each other like open
books, like the menus to our favorite restaurants, like the backs of each others’ hands. Hands we
began to hold.
      Our relationship started on an Autumn day. I remember the golden leaves on the trees as
I looked at the golden gleam in your eyes. All I cared about was being there for you, to carry the
weight of your world even if it meant putting mine down, to be your hero even if it meant taking
the beating and the bruises that life dished out. All I cared about was seeing you happy. Seeing
you smile. I remember the early September days and the late October nights as time passed us
by. I remember a kiss. Short and sweet, but I remember well. A soft touch of lips. A longer
embrace. Time rolling slow and hearts beating fast. I thought to myself. So this is love? Love
wasn’t the butterflies in my stomach. Love wasn’t the static in my head. Love wasn’t the beats
my heart skipped. Love was you. Everything I was feeling was because of you. I felt vulnerable
yet safe, committed yet free, I wore my heart on my sleeve trusting that you wouldn’t break it. 
     The fighting started on a Winter night. I don’t even remember what it was about. Maybe
it was something I said, or something I didn’t. Maybe it was something you did, or something
you didn’t, I don't know. Maybe it was nobody’s fault.  There wasn’t any yelling, or screaming.
     Just disappointment, confusion.  With every argument, it seemed like we were just getting in
each other’s way. Every day it felt like we were becoming each others’ problems, not their
solutions. We kept lying to ourselves, telling each other, “Hold onto hope for better days” or
“We’ll work things out” but we both knew the truth… 
     It ended on a Springtime’s rainfall. When we left, there wasn't really a goodbye. It didn't
seem like there was a need for one. Midnight messaging turned from fighting to faintness to
nothing at all. It faded. I knew everything about you but stood powerless to keep you by my side. With all my efforts at trying to keep the world up and playing your superhero, it didn't work, you
still had to go and I was stuck here waiting to see if you came back.
     It's been months now and yet I still know your favorite songs, your favorite time of day,
your favorite movies and TV shows, your favorite seasons, your favorite holidays, your favorite
bag of chips, your favorite everything. I still knew what you wanted to be when you grew up. I
still knew the sound of your voice after all this time. After all this time…  I still knew the back of
your hand as if it was my own, it was just no longer there to hold. 
     I should've appreciated the fact that you were there in the first place, that I found you and
got to be with you, but after months of puzzling I finally figured it out. It was love and I’m sorry I kept asking if it was. With all of the good and the bad, when you were there or not, with all of
my sadness and my grief, feeling so vulnerable and still so committed. I still wear my heart on
my sleeve but it beats a different rhythm, no longer does it sing “So this is love?” Instead it cries,“So is this love?”