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Wednesday, October 23, 2019

"Human Enough to Not Be a Hero" by Tammy P


     I got hurt beyond words — not once but twice.
A tornado of emotions threatened to shake my foundations. A flood of insecurities and doubts attempted to drown my resolve. A series of unfortunate events left me standing in the eye of the hurricane trying to gather the broken pieces and make sense of everything. It all began with that unforgettable day that creeps its way into my nightmares...
     This quiet day in late September 2018 proceeded like any other day. I trudged through my classes in a daze; the events of the first month of school still had me in subconscious shock. I felt physically weak, emotionally drained, and mentally depleted with the sole desire to go home. Then, again, this was how I felt every day for the first few weeks of the first semester. Knowing that I had a full agenda of homework and after school meetings on this average Wednesday, I decided to postpone everything and call it a day.
    I made the mile-long journey from my sixth period classroom in the back of the T-portables to my cerulean blue car named Blu in the student parking lot. Of course, after school traffic presented itself as a nuance as always which is part of the reason why I never leave school early. I quelled my rising tiredness and frustration with the thought of an after school nap as the long line of cars in front of me and behind me began unnecessarily honking at each other.
     After escaping the quagmire of parental and teenage drivers, I drove home. I expected to only be greeted by my younger sister since my parents would be busy at work on a typical Wednesday. As I pulled into the garage, my tiredness reached the point where I wanted to throw my backpack on the marble living room floor and take a nap right on our black leather couch since I did not have the energy to expend on the climb upstairs to my room. However, my plans fell apart when my mom greeted me in our living room.
    The air around me suddenly turned cold and I froze mid-step. My mom would never be home at 3:30 PM on a Wednesday; she would have been too busy managing her small business. I felt the ominous premonition of bad news as though it was palpable in the air. Negative thoughts ran through my mind at mach speed. Is something wrong? Did something happen? What happened? I voiced none of my impertinent questions since I knew my mom had something serious to tell me — something seriously bad. All of these thoughts, questions, and decisions happened instantaneously in my head as I placed my backpack on the living room floor before joining my mom by her side. She took my hands in her hands and asked, “How was your day at school?” Of course, she would ask that question. She asked that question every night at dinner but I knew that this time it was being used to stall the news. I shook my head and softly replied, “I know that you have something to say, Mom. Just give me the news.”
     That was it. That was all it took. My mom broke into tears. She gave the news that no one saw coming because it was kept a secret. A secret that was kept even from loved ones.
     A gasp escaped my lips as I blinked back tears as my mind raced to search for signs. I scoured in vain to retrieve any clues that could have foreshadowed this second loss in the span of a single month. This loss left a void in my extended family. Someone who I grew up with, someone who was a second mom to me, secretly battled cancer for months; we found out too late. My best friend lost her mom that day and I lost a second mother figure. I watched my best friend cry for the first time that day; I watched one of the strongest people I know show their weakness. My heart broke as she tried and failed to hold back her tears even as I tried and
failed to hold back my tears. I dealt with how the pain and loss affected me yet I also empathized with my best friend’s pain and loss. It felt like getting hurt not just once but twice.
    I avoided reliving that day; I avoided thinking about that event in general. Everything happened too fast, too suddenly, and too soon that I did not have time to process everything. I never felt more lost, more unsure, or more insecure. At the same time, so many of my friends were feeling the same way. We were all trying to support each other even as we were all fighting our own battles. Battles that we told no one else about because we thought we were being strong. However, we soon realized that it was all a facade. A cheap act that none of us were buying from each other because we knew each other too well. Through the stories and through the confessions, I became more comfortable with being vulnerable. I stopped pretending that everything was okay because sometimes it is not; that is part of being human. I did not expect what came and did not know what was coming next but I knew that I would not be the only one feeling that way.
The most important people in my life showed me how to be strong even during our most vulnerable times by being honest and being open about our situations and our feelings. Sometimes, we do not always need a hero in our lives. Sometimes, we just need someone to help us feel human, to say that we can feel the way we feel without sugarcoating or diluting our feelings. For the longest time in my life, I felt so lost in a maze of confusion and pain. My remaining loved ones guided me out of that maze. I realized I was strong, strong enough to admit that I was hurting on the inside. I realized that I was human, human enough to not be a hero.

39 comments:

  1. Wow. Goosebumps ran down my spine as I read through this piece. Visual imagery put me in your shoes and made me want to cry. We all face death in our lives and experience the horrors of a loved away leaving us however it is incredibly difficult to ever express that in words. You beautifully expressed what we go through from just a typical and tedious school day to the jaw dropping news none of us ever want to hear.

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  2. I really love the building suspense in the beginning. I could tell something climatic would happen, yet it still shocked me as I read on. Amazing self reflection even though it was painful.

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  3. This is one of the most powerful pieces I have ever read. I love how you described being tired because it starts the story off with a gloomy tone which turns to grim as the reveal happens. My favorite part, however, is the very last line because I think that we do dehumanize people when we make them a hero and that sometimes it is okay to just be human. Overall, I am grateful you were able to open up about this because I think we tend to avoid topics like this as a society. -Isabella Patterson

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  4. Firstly, I am very sorry for your loss, and I do feel your pain about losing a loved one. It's devastating. Regarding your story, however, your imagery and detail is incredible! The way you depicted the image at school, waiting for the cars and honking to leave, and getting home to just crash on the sofa, I could really imagine that image myself. I am sure it's an experience many of us students nowadays can relate to. And, the way you described coming home and feeling a bad "premonition" really allowed the readers to step in your shoes as if we were there at the time. Keep up the great work!

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  5. Your vocabulary is extremely exquisite and you used it variously and precisely throughout your whole piece. Your ability to combine your vocabulary with your talent of writing stories to an almost clearly perceivable measure filled me with suspense, causing me to read ahead and deny myself in these actions on two occasions. Not only did you maintain a first-person point of view detailing your every though and emotion, but you also concluded in a manner that suggested a better way of thinking and expressing one's grief not in solitude, but in full conveyance of true emotion, which is being human.

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  6. What an amazing story. You are the strongest person I know Tammy and definitely a hero to many people, including myself. Whenever I had difficulties in my life you were always there for me and I hope that I can be there for you as well. Your way of storytelling leaves the reader wanting to know more about you. I thoroughly enjoyed reading each sentence, and I felt that this story ended too fast. Thank you for giving me an opportunity to experience a day in the life of Tammy Pham. Oh, and the traffic at school, I completely understand your frustrations!

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  7. Your piece is phenomenal from your descriptive imagery to touching the reader's emotions. Your writing is spot-on, the way you narrate and describe every little details of the event that day made me feel like I was there at that moment. I felt your emotions through your words as I know how it feels like to lose someone very special and close to the heart. The way you build up suspense in every sentence is just so beautifully thought out because it leaves us wanting to read more and more.

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  8. Your use of detail really helped me picture the scenario in my mind and it hit a lot harder because I can see the event happening and I can feel the pain in the piece. Your wording and comparisons from tornado of emotions to flood of insecurities and doubts was a really good depiction of how it feels to be so overwhelmed and drained by it all physically, mentally, and emotionally. I also loved your last sentence in the piece on how you said "I realized that I was human, human enough not to be a hero.", because that is the reality of life and it shows that it is okay to feel and experience pain and confusion and we can't always stay strong like we want to. -Kaj Miranda

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  9. I love how you addressed how it is okay to be vunerable. So many people are constantly hiding their pain. While everyone else is always trying to take away another's pain. However, in really all pain can't instantly be taken away and feeling emotions are human.
    -Dahrien Trotter

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  10. I loved the way you wrote your essay. It was a great story and you were able to connect your trauma to how it has made you a stronger person. - Ariana Hernandez

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  11. This story was amazing. It was packed with feeling and emotion. You did a great job by conveying your emotions to the reader as if they experienced it too. I really liked the universal message at the end where you found yourself to be alright with being vulnerable, and it is alright to feel sad. I was also able to relate to it. Again, great job!

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  12. What an amazing story! It truly captured my interest to the point where I couldn't stop reading. You truly are a strong and amazing person, not only growing from this major loss but also accepting that you can be hurt because you are human. -Jaelani Phay

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  13. Wow. Your style of writing is honestly so beautiful to read, and you were able to capture the emotions of the moment so well that I honestly feel like I was right there next to you when you received the news. My favorite part, though, is the last few sentences where you make the discovery that hiding your emotions and feigning happiness is not what makes you strong. It's when we are willing to become vulnerable with our pain that our true strength is realized. Wonderful job!

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  14. Your passage is very strong. The words that you've chosen created so much imagery and it truly shows the pain you've experienced. Thank you for sharing your story.

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  15. You are such a strong person Tammy. The emotions I felt reading your piece was so real. Pain is faced by everyone throughout life, we are all human and I loved how you spoke on that. The first person account really made me feel as if I were there too. Wonderful work overall :) - Jaeyeon Romero

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  16. This was such a powerful, well-written story. Your vivid descriptions and eloquent storytelling skills makes a strong emotional impact on the reader. Each word draws the audience in a captivates them, making this piece hard to forget. Great job!

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  17. I admire your strength that you've exhibited through your writing. Your exquisite vocabulary made for an extremely rich paper that sent chills done my spine. The conclusion of your piece is a very important topic that this generation truly needs to understand, and you did an amazing job expressing that.

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  18. I think you did an amazing job magnifying your feeling through the word choice you used and the descriptive detail of this tough patch of your life. I am also happy to know you did not feel like you were the only one going through what you felt and you had your family and friends to discuss your feelings with. It was very brave to tell your story especially about something so personal it take lots of strength.

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  19. Thank you so much Tammy for sharing this experience. You are truly one of the most hard working students I have ever met. I admire you greatly for everything you do and your effort to express your feelings, which is seen in your beautiful writing. The style and tone gave me chills and all I could hope to do was to help you feel better during your struggles. I hope you know that you will always have friends and family who will support you and never judge you for your personal struggles.

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  20. Wow... the fact you conveyed such an emotional time for you in such detail has me in awe. Thank you for telling such a personal story with us in such vivid imagery to really get the point across that it was so deep to you. Really well done!

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  21. This is an amazing piece Tammy! Your ability to narrate the this story from your life with such detail is phenomenal. I loved how wonderfully you expressed such deep emotion through solely your words. Overall, your writing through this story is amazing. Great work!

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  22. First and formorest, deepest condolence to you for the passing of your second mother Tammy. You’re such a strong individual and I admire you for that. As for your blog, I thought you’re strory was very well written. Your diction or your use of strong vocabulary throughout your piece is superb! Your diction also created an effective visual imagery.

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  23. I related to this piece so much. I found it interesting how you already knew something was wrong when your mother was home, and the way you described the situation was diligently done. The build up of your already off day to the news you received when you arrived at home was well done through narration and tone. This was a very moving piece and is a prime example of how everyone experiences hardships and how they deal with them.

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  24. I loved reading this due to the pure emotions that were let out and the realness of the story as well. We all need to let things go and release the built up tension we may have inside of us. The conclusion was great as well because we have to face that reality and know that we can’t always be the hero. Great story!

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  25. This piece is remarkable. The way you used the effect of a tone shift really showed great writing skills and added a layer of strong emotion to it. It makes the audience sit and appreciate what they have out of fear of feeling the same emotions you did. Very good!

    -Kyler Lovett

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  26. Your writing was fantastic but im sorry you had to go through something like that. Your word choice really added to the piece. One of my personal favorites is when you used quagmire to describe all of the cars. it really added to the feeling of being overwhelmed and tired. I also appreciate how you compared your emotions and experience to floods and hurricanes. your story was very good and your word choice was amazing - kayla j

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  27. The title of this piece not only gives a sense of humility, it also brings about the vulnerability many people tend to hide or are embarrassed to show about themselves. I loved the accentuation of fatigue and sorrow, especially it really puts your audience, including myself, in your particular situation. Everyone can agree that the loss of a special role in your life is utterly gut-wrenching, and you encompassed such a feeling in just a few paragraphs of heart-felt words. Further condolences, Tammy. Love your work.

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  28. I really like how the storm imagery in the beginning of your story serves perfectly to build suspense. It serves great as a hook. Your writing skills are impeccable. Not once throughout the whole story was I not on the edge of my seat. This piece is overall powerful, and intriguing. -Nathan Sandoval

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  29. Wow Tammy. I got the chills reading this since I too, unfortunately, have had a similar experience. In middle school, one of my uncles whom I was close to passed away while I was in school and got taken out of school in order for my mom to break this tragic news. Your imagery made me envision my middle school self again and the moment, the atmosphere, and the realization I had when I knew my uncle was forever taken away from me.

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  30. Everything about this is beautiful in the most tragic way possible. The build up of an average school day set up a characteristically ominous tone as reader’s suspect average will be broken by an impactful event. The descriptions of emotions and the details of both your physical and mental exhaustion but also the portrayal of a loss of words contributed so well to your overall writing. The mysteriousness of the title combined with the tie in at the end was beautiful.

    My deepest condolences. Just remember, you don't need to hold up the world
    -Justin Lim

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  31. The specificity of your story from beginning to end made it very powerful and moving. With your attention to detail, you were able to perfectly capture the emotions and thought processes that follow loss. Thank you for sharing your experience in this well written piece.

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  32. I don't even know where to start with this one. Your metaphors using weather not only had me hooked from the very start, but also set the mood for the main plot in the story. The opening paragraph also had me in suspense the entire time I was reading up until the tragedy was revealed. The imagery used to describe your "typical Wednesday" really shows how much happens throughout our lives every day when we just go through the motions, and it certainly did not help me get out of my state of suspense. This story not only shows your skills as a writer but also your personal skills to be able to deal with such a great loss and still stay strong.

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  33. Tammy I know you're a great writer, but this piece just had me speechless because the amount of comparisons you used to compare yourself with like, "A tornado of emotions threatened to shake my foundations." I also think you're title is so creative because it kind contradicts the idea of a human and their qualities because you can have enough aspects to qualify as a hero. Either way this piece is no doubt one of the best ones I've read, Good Job Tammy!

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  34. Tammy, I am glad you were able to share something so tragic with everyone and the fact you used comparisons of hurricanes to show how rough you had. Your message gave me chills, I felt your message, clearly understood your tone, and your feelings on this post. I hope you are doing well at this very moment (Even if this happened a while ago) but thank you for sharing something so impactful.

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  35. I love this piece. Losing someone is a tragedy I would not wish upon anyone and accept my condolences. This piece was very well structured, and overall had a very personal feel. Well done! :) -Simerpreet Dhesi

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  36. The detailed events of that day make this situation seem all too real and present for everyone who has gone through something like this, especially more than once. Knowing exactly how it feels, I could not have captured this moment in such vivid imagery like you did. Outstanding job overall, taking one emotion and turning it into a whole story.

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  37. This story was very touching and very eye-opening in many ways. It shows the importance of treasuring people while they are still here, but also how to move on and try to get through it. Your descriptions were immaculate and made it very easy to feel like I was there with you. Thank you for writing this. :) - Kayla M.

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  38. I really enjoyed your piece of writing. The build up of suspense as the piece progressed really brought me in and grabbed my attention. The language you used was exquisite and you can tell that you actually know the context of the words and not just saying them to sound "fancy" so to speak. The story was very touching and through imagery you really transported the audience into your story and how the situation affected you.

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  39. Very well-written! Your use of vocabulary and imagery really caught my attention as it kept me intrigued throughout the whole story. I also found your writing to be very inspirational and genuine as you state how you are human enough to not be a hero. Awesome job! -Halie Montes

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