"Nothing Meaning Something" by Luke A

            The windows were rolled down as my Ford F-150 sped up the street, the crisp, cold breeze of the night air whipping through my hair. My left elbow was placed upon the opening of the driver’s side window, bent at an angle to where my chin could slightly rest upon my enclosed, clenched fist. The aux cord was plugged into my phone, with my stereo’s subs turned all the way to maximize the bass. I could feel the vibrations within my hand as I gripped the steering wheel, the stereo playing the somber song of Come and See Me, by PARTYNEXTDOOR and Drake. As I reached the narrow stretch of road up ahead, the streetlights disappeared, leaving my headlights as the only source of direction I had. Soon enough, the infamous gated community appeared in front of me, surrounded with warm lights and paved brick sidewalks. As I reached the gate, I completely whipped the car around, drove for about 10 feet, and shifted the gear into park against the curb. I felt the soft fabric of my lanyard graze my knee, as I twisted the key slightly in the ignition, turning the engine off but leaving the stereo system on. I draped the lanyard around my neck, walked to the edge of the sidewalk, and looked over at the whole entire city. All around me were lights stretching as far as to the mountains miles away from where I stood. Hundreds of thousands of people were living their lives, either driving on the freeway or simply just sleeping in their beds in their houses. For some reason, I felt that something was missing, but I couldn’t tell if it was something absent from my surroundings or some part of myself that I had been missing, but all the noise around me had just blocked it out, until now. I had never felt so utterly alone and so coldly numb.

            I couldn’t seem to feel anymore, as if my emotions had shut themselves down without notice. I felt no sadness, depression or negativity, nor happiness, joy, or warmth. I quickly realized that I had been this way for some time, but the distractions around me had provided a diversion away from myself. Why couldn’t I feel a thing? All my life I had known that there was so much more in the world to be felt, discovered, experienced, and enjoyed. It gave me purpose to continue living, whilst constantly changing and evolving. But yet, standing there hundreds of feet above the rest of the valley, I could not feel a single thing. When had I lost this part of me along the way? Or was this who I had always been? A nihilistic, numbed, emotionally distant man who thought nothing meant anything. That we are all simply existing in a struggle of life as we push an immense boulder up a steep hill, with no end in sight. Did anything really mean anything? Maybe life itself and the experiences thereof don’t actually have real value. Maybe value can only be given by someone or something. Or maybe none of this mattered either. Maybe I was just thinking too much. And maybe I was just a dumb teenager, thinking he knew more than what he really knew. As I got back in my truck I drove home in silence. No radio, no stereo, not even a single hum. Whether anything I cared about actually mattered, I thought that perhaps my perspective upon what I thought mattered determined

my outlook towards the world. But even that I wasn’t so sure about. Then, suddenly, a smile crept across my face as I looked out my window, up into the black sky above, knowing that in 5 years I would forget all about this, knowing that, in this moment, it all didn’t really matter.