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Friday, April 5, 2019

"Words Hurt But They Also Heal" by Celine G



      Everybody has a limit, varying from simple things like how many miles you can

run in ten minutes to more complex things like how much emotional baggage can you actually carry around with you in one day. These limits can either push you to do better or drag you until you give up. My mom tells me all the time that there is only so much that a person could take. There is only so much that a person could take, but so much of what? My mom had made me listen to a song called “Too Much Love Will Kill You” by Queen and right then and there, I understood. Too much of everything can kill you, so there is only so much we could take. We have limits.
     About 5 years ago, I had went through the darkest times of my life. I was in the 7th grade, so the pre-teen emotions heightened every single feeling that I’ve ever felt. When I was annoyed, I became livid. When I was happy, I became overly excited. When I was sad, I became depressed. This was also around the time where I started to realize that I lost my dad, he didn’t pass away, he was just gone. I was always so innocent before 7th grade, not knowing what was happening around me, I didn’t realize I didn’t have a dad, I thought he was just away and that he will be joining the family soon.
    Being a 12 year old, this kind of thing really hits you, sadly it hits you hard and unexpectedly.
Unknowingly, I turned to poetry. At first, it was only pages upon pages, front and back, of feelings that I managed to spit out. I didn’t think I could turn something so rugged and broken into something so refreshing and beautiful. I found comfort in words and was completely wrapped in its arms. I remember the first poem I’ve ever written, it was for my sophomore english class and solely for extra credit. My teacher had told the class not to be afraid to get emotional and deep, I thought to myself, ‘this is the perfect opportunity for me to release everything I’ve been holding in’. That same day, I went home, immediately sat down on my bed and closed my eyes. I tried to picture where I wanted this poem to go, then my dad came to mind. I remember this so vividly, he walked in the door wearing his military uniform, my sister and I, without hesitation, ran into his arms and he carried us to our room to put us to bed but we were too happy to see him, we could not sit still. The sound of laughter and girlish screams can be heard throughout the entire apartment, my dad was chasing us through the hallways and when he managed to catch us, he’d throw us into the air repeatedly. This specific memory that came to my mind that day unlocked the pain I had locked away for years.
I grabbed my journal and began writing, paper after paper wasted, crumpled up, thrown away, but by the end of the night, everything came together and I was able to call what I wrote, a poem. I read my poem in front of the class a couple days later, two sentences in and I was already in tears, I can never explain into words the feeling I felt as I choke

up word after word of the cause of my brokenness, it was like relief with a mixture of hatred.
     Throughout my entire middle school years, I was a very soft-spoken person. I only talked when I was spoken to, I was afraid to get close to people, and I was never truly happy. Everyday felt like the same exact routine, I would wake up, shower, go to school, go home, do my homework, and cry until I fall asleep. There were times where I told my mom I felt sick so she would give me Nyquil, but I wasn't sick, I just wanted to go to sleep. Multiple voices haunted me as each hour passes by, they took over my mind and my body. These voices tells me that I would never find love in the future because growing up, I never knew how it felt like to be loved by a man. They tell me that I deserve to go through the pain and heartache. I still live with these voices, I've just gotten better at controlling them. Sometimes, my thoughts race in circles, destroying every little bit of happiness I believed I had, and I can still sit there, unfazed.
     As the years went by, burdens have been lifted off my shoulders, but not all of them. Things from the past still linger in my mind from time to time. Going through heartbreaks and fall backs doesn't make things any easier either, this is where I would tell myself that there is only so much I could take and I have the power to choose the things that I want to handle. I strongly believe that forgiving is the only thing you can do to handle situations, you don't have to forget, because once you've forgiven the people that have hurt you and, most importantly, once you've forgiven yourself, that's the first step to healing. You should never forget because your breakdowns carve a path to your breakthroughs, and the more you try to forget, the more its going to hurt you. Since
middle school, I've learned to learn from my mistakes, edging out every single detail that I did wrong or the other person did wrong, and bettering myself in the process. I've learned to heal from past pains and heartaches, controlling my thoughts and emotions so the only things I think about are the things that make me happy. Diving into the world of poetry is the best thing I could’ve ever done in my life, now I have my own little world, my own little sanctuary where I can be vulnerable and fragile and not have to worry about what others might think of me. These past years have felt like a very dizzy and traumatizing rollercoaster, but just like any rollercoaster, you can either get off or keep riding it, and I chose to get off.

18 comments:

  1. I really found your story powerful, because you took the things in your life that were negative and learned to develop them into something positive. It truly takes a strong person to do that especially forgiveness. Thank you for sharing I know it was not easy. (Julia A)

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  2. Celine!! Thank you for sharing your narrative. I was very moved by the reflections you made after what you had went through. I hope I can read one of your poems someday :-) I can relate to the absence of a parent and I understand how that transposes to other social situations or even everyday routine. thank you for sharing and I hope you continue writing!

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  3. Celine, I admire you for deciding to share your story. It is so difficult to be vulnerable and admit your struggles. I love how you shared how you were able to let out what you always held in. Some people reading this might really need to read this. Great job!

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  4. Celine, this piece was so interesting to me as I got have a different perspective of what you were really going through during a time that I saw you almost everyday at school, and didn't even know what was going on in your life. I'm sorry for all the pain you have endured, and I appreciate your willingness to be so open and vulnerable to so many people, and I know your words are helping more souls than yourself. I am also happy that you have gained enough respect for yourself to find something that helps you cope, as well as to decide to get away from such horrible and sad tendencies. The rollercoaster as a symbol truly helped to demonstrate this as well, and as you said you did, I'm glad you got off.

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  5. Celine this was very well done! I appreciate your ability to open up about your vulnerable years and being able to find comfort in poetry. This was a beautiful piece, good work!

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  6. Of course many people struggle through life but it's not easy to share your struggles with the world. It can be very embarrassing, but just like your previous self you shared something that many can't. It's wonderful that you were able to grow from these experiences, look for opportunities to become better, and help others see the light.

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  7. I felt this on a totally different level. I know exactly how you feel Celine, I go through this all the time. I love the courage you had to share this and talk about getting over a dark moment in your life. We all go through things but no one deserves not to be loved and cared for. Thank you so much for sharing this, and also getting through that moment, proud of you! Aaliyah Mallard

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  8. Thank you for sharing your personal experiences Celine! Your story was touching and powerful and I am so glad that you were able to let your emotions out through this blog. I love how you are working to only dwell on the things that bring you happiness, keep it up girl!

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  9. I found your blog so inspiring and powerful. I found it so true that forgiving the people who treat us badly even if its hard will bring us healing. I also, loved reading how you were able to learn and grow for the experiences that you faced, good job.

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  10. Celine, I want to start off by saying thank you for sharing this with us because I know how difficult it is to talk about your struggles. I'm sorry that you had to go through this but I'm glad that you chose to not let it affect you anymore. You've also taught me that I determine my happiness so thank you. Great Job!

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  11. I appreciate you dearly for sharing this on your blog and I can clearly see the strength in your voice. I especially loved the idea of undeserved forgiveness and how it not only benefits others, but ourselves as well. I admire your bravery and your blog overall was very heart felt and beautiful, Thank You!

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  12. Celine, this was such an intimate piece of writing to read and I am so happy to see you tell your story to others so that they can hopefully find consolation in the battles they also have to encounter. You are very strong and inspiring and your personal narrative was so heart-wrenching to read. Thank you so much for sharing! :)

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  13. I can relate so much to this story because I really love poetry because it feels like you can really release all your emotions and really confront everything that is bothering you. I'm glad you were able to realize something so important because this is truly what makes you such a great person!
    - Ivan Mejia (Per.5)

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  14. Celine, you did such an amazing job on this piece and words cannot describe how incredible you are for deciding to write a piece this deep. You really are good with words and the image you painted of your dad coming home was so vivid that I felt like I was actually there. You are a great writer and this was a truly touching piece.

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  15. This personal story, really gives more of background to your story. I really appreciate you being so vulnerable. It is truly an inspiring story and can be used for others to look to when they may feel as if they don't have their own voice. Very good job Celine.
    -Julissa Saenz

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  16. Celine, I'm glad that you have poetry to let out your emotions. Trust me not having a father there is hard. I was hoping that my father would come back become a better person and care for my mother, my sister and me. Things don't really turn out the way you for it to be. When I was in 4th grade I knew my dad wasn't going to come back and instead of keeping my emotions in I danced. Just like you do your poetry I dance and I forget every problem I have when I dance. Great Job on your Blog! :)

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  17. Santiago RodriguezApril 23, 2019 at 9:48 PM

    Celine I think youre brave and resillient. It takes a lot of courage to be open about your feelings and you wrote about it nicely. Im glad you managed to learn from our experiences and have become stronger because of them. Your piece was really inspiring!

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  18. celine, this was such a personal and deep story, and im so glad you carried on in life and even though it was hard you were strong enough to not give up. i relate to this piece so much and i had felt some of the emotions you had described in this. thank you so much for sharing this heartwarming story

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