"An Empty Hell " by Ryan K

As the red gloom and mist clears before your eyes, a loud sarcastic clap starts to ring out from the distance. The claps get louder each time until finally, it sounds like the clapping is right in front of you, but the source is still obscured by heavy black-red smoke. 

“Bravo... well done” said a deep, sarcastic voice “I never would have imagined that someone like you would end up here.” 

The source of the voice starts to approach you, as he gets nearer you notice something strange about it. The man behind the voice has dark red skin clothed with a classy black tuxedo, viper-like yellow eyes, and white horns sticking out from his slicked back hair. The man in front of you is Satan. Shortly after you notice Satan stands in front of you, you come to the realization that you’ve ended up in Hell, in fact, THE deepest layer of Hell. 

“You see, this place was never intended for the likes of a human, in fact, you’re actually the first human to arrive in the pits of Hell. Now, you’re probably confused since that religion of yours describes this place as the place where all evil and demonic people end up. Well, I’m sorry (not really) to tell you this, but humans have had it wrong all this time. Hell wasn’t designed to be an eternal prison for just any old terrible person, it was designed for the WORST person to ever set foot on the Earth. That person is you. Now I know what you’re thinking, ‘But Mr. Satan how am I the worst person to exist? I haven’t done anything to harm anybody or anything. My intentions were always good. I don’t even curse. Please explain.’” 

You’re a bit offended and awestruck as Satan takes the words right out of your mouth in a patronizing and mocking tone. In truth, you were thinking exactly that. But come on, what were you expecting, he’s Satan, he can read your mind. Don’t be surprised. 

“Well, to be frank, even I find you to be quite a despicable person, and I’m frickin’ Satan. Sure you’ve never murdered anyone, harmed a fly, told a lie, or destroyed other’s lives in order to reach your selfish goals, but you have committed some of the worst moral crimes known to Earth. Here I have a little speaker that will list off your crimes to you.” 

Satan reaches down into his pocket and conjures an Ultimate EarsTM BluetoothTM speaker. Satan then pulls out his iPhone Rawr xD OwO and connects it to the speaker. He fiddles around with his phone for a bit and then playing an audio file that contains a play by play of your heinous crimes against humanity. Suddenly, a robotic female voice (similar to Siri’s) rings out from the speaker.

“Welcome to Hell! I am Satan’s personal sin evaluator, Diri. I will now begin evaluating and listing off the numerous sins that you have committed in your lifetime. I will begin by evaluating your life on Earth and the average severity of your crimes. It appears that you are the worst person to have ever existed on Earth, your crimes against humanity prove to be so heinous that they are even comparable to the dark lord himself. I will now list off some specifically severe crimes that you have committed, they are as follows. ‘Thinking it’s funny to shout out fake spoilers for films that people are planning to watch’, ‘Posting any form of Minion meme on Facebook’, ‘Singing along to every song on the radio while at work’, ‘Using your phone rather than talking with your friends when you are eating out’, ‘Texting while watching a movie and then being surprised when others become upset at you for it’, ‘Listening to music through a speaker while in public’, ‘Stopping in the middle of a sidewalk or street while others are walking behind you’, ‘Obnoxiously taking pictures of your food’, ‘Using the word ‘literally’ inappropriately’, ‘Blindly supporting companies with mediocre products and terrible ethics’, the list goes on and on.” 

After hearing about your consecutive crimes against humanity, you start to come to terms with your current situation. You start to understand that being an absolute prick to everybody around you, whether intentional or unintentional, will put you down there with the rest of Earth’s terrible people.
“Well not to worry, see I don’t plan on giving you an eternity of punishment and torture, in fact, I’m going to give you an opportunity to live out a much more meaningful existence. You see, I lied about Hell’s design, I was never supposed to receive any humans down here whatsoever, but somehow you ended up here. You see, your beloved creator never intended for me, the arbiter of all things bad to even get close to a human, he foresaw that if I were to influence a human that the Heavens themselves would potentially be flipped upside down. I am going to offer you an opportunity to join me in my quest for domination between the physical and metaphysical dimensions, for you and me will become an unstoppable duo according to prophecy. On the other hand, if you deny I’m going to condemn you to an eternity of pain and torture. Whaddya say? Do you want to help rule the multiverse? Okay, okay, I’m really just using that entire domination thing as an excuse, I really just want someone to talk to and interact with. In reality, I’m actually pretty lonely, there’s not much down here except me, myself, and I. My question still stands though, will you help me?” 

And in response, you gave the most mundane, generic response that one could think of when offered an opportunity of this magnitude.
You just said “Yeh, whatever I guess.” 

Finally, with that response, Stan disappeared with a snap and a puff of smoke. Later, Stan, along with the help of his new despicable friend would go on to rule across every dimension.