“KINDERGARTEN” by Chimi N

     Isn’t it funny? My mind replays all the things people have said to me, from the day I entered kindergarten up until now. “Your lips are too big” “Your hips are too wide” “Your skin is too dark” “You need to eat more”. Now they get lip fillers, liposuction, and go to tanning beds. Let me settle down. I am not, nor will I ever be one to shame anybody for what they choose to do to their body, but isn’t it funny how hypocritical humans can be? I guess it’s not anybody’s fault. We let society dictate who we are and what we should look like and quite frankly, it is tiring. Not to mention- damaging, stressful, and one of the largest contributors of low self esteem. 

     I’m going to allow myself to be vulnerable right now. In kindergarten, I had a friend named Joy. The irony is, she brought me any and every emotion but joy. Every single day she would shame me and bring me down for everything I ate and say things like “Oh you don’t need that” and “You’re already fat enough”. Remind you I was 5 years old, but I told myself that since she was my best friend, then of course she was telling me the truth because she was simply looking out for me. To this day, I have never felt so powerless in my entire life. Every now and then I ask myself why I never left Joy. Maybe it was because at age 5, I just wanted to be accepted. Maybe it was because at age 5, I really did think I was overweight. Maybe it was because at age 5, I had already feared abandonment and having nobody. Whatever the reason was, my failure to leave this toxic friend only ignited my low self esteem. I starved myself at school until the end of second grade when my family and I finally moved over to Fontana. 

     When I moved schools, it took me an unusually long time to adapt because I was no longer happy and outgoing, but shy and reserved. I feared going out of my way to make new friends because I was under the false impression that anybody I attempted to become friends with would be just like Joy, unaware that Joy’s behavior was not typical of a “best friend”. Additionally, I felt as though people would be embarrassed to be seen with me and why would I ever want to cause anyone that type of humiliation? I did make some really good friends here and there, but Joy’s words still lingered in my mind. This caused me to be discontent with myself, which impacted practically every friendship I managed to make. Taking pictures with others never ended well because I’d oftentimes think to myself, “Why can’t I be as pretty as her or as skinny as them?” 

     Up until high school, I had a ridiculously low self esteem, but I tried to suppress it and pretend I was more than happy with myself, as many insecure people often do. I cannot put my finger on the exact day, but some time during my early sophomore year of high school, I had a change of mind and said enough was enough. I could not keep letting words from the past destroy me and who I am in this very moment. Another thing that changed my entire perspective on my life was the realization that I had been created in God’s image. To him, I am beautiful and there is not one single thing, not one single person on this Earth that could ever take that away from me. This is exactly what I had been missing. After acquiring this mindset, my self esteem skyrocketed. I became so confident in myself and I was genuinely happy. 

     I know my self esteem is not the same as it used to be because I even remember an incident about a year or so ago when I wore a dress to school and a so-called “friend” of mine said my hips were too wide and proceeded to ask me if my mom let me leave the house wearing that dress. First of all, the disrespect. With my chin held high, I told her that not only did my mom let me leave the house in that dress,but in fact she was actually the one that bought the dress for me so you are dismissed. A previously insecure me probably would have burned the dress as soon as I got home, but because of my new mindset, I’ve realized that everything doesn’t need a dramatic reaction. Besides, the bottom line is that the people that take time out of their day to criticize and judge others are usually just jealous or unhappy with themselves. 

     Bringing everything back full circle, society will navigate the way we live our lives if we give it the power to do so. For about 11 years of my life, I allowed my identity to be shaped by somebody else’s perception of me and how people told me I should view myself. Why do you think people say they are so much happier without social media? It’s because they are not constantly turning to this addictive source to tell them what type of body, house, shoes, or car they “should” have, nor are they confined by the pressures of their peers and temporary trends. Honestly, Joy taught me the importance of empathy because now I know just how impactful my words can be. I titled this piece “Kindergarten” because that year held experiences that I am both ashamed of , yet grateful for. It was a life lesson that I learned at a young age , but it has played a major role in shaping me into who I am today, Chimdalu Rita Nebedum.