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Tuesday, December 18, 2018

"Untitled" by Donyale T


     It was regular summer day. My sister and I were sitting at home as we weren’t allowed to leave when our parents were at work. One of friends, David, who lived around the corner called and asked if we wanted to come over to his house to hang out. We knew that we weren’t allowed to leave but we didn’t see the harm in leaving. We thought that since we had stayed in all summer long we deserved to go outside just once. But then we realized that our parents would catch us if we snuck out. We knew that our parents didn’t get home until after 6:00pm so we’d just come home at 5:00pm. We took our skateboards and we snuck out. When we got to his house David and his brothers and sisters wanted to go to the park across the street. When we got there the younger kids went off to the playground, my sister and David’s older siblings went to the basketball courts to skate while David and I sat on a bench in the middle of the park. We were having a good time just laughing and talking. We walked to the snack shack on the other side of the park. There was this older womb just staring at us. I told David about it and he told me that he was just a grandparent of one of the kids on the playground and that he was always there. He had on this really long black coat and all black underneath that. He was extremely pale and tall. He was also kind of scrawny looking. We walked back to the bench and continued to laugh and talk.About an hour or so passed and I looked over at the basketball courts but my sister and the other kids weren’t there. I looked over and saw that they had moved into the middle of this cul de sac. At the same time I saw this black car parked up the street. A few more hours passed and the black car was still sitting there and then all of a sudden the engine started but I never saw anyone get in. The car just sat there with the engine running for about 30 more minutes and then out of nowhere the car went even further up the street and just stayed there in the middle of the street. I noticed all of this but everybody else was completely clueless. I turned to David and said “Hey do you see that weird car over there?” He said “Yeah that car is always here don’t worry about it.” So I didn’t think anymore of it. About 30 more minutes passed and the car was still sitting in the middle of the street with the engine still running. And then, all of a sudden the car took off down the street. It was barreling down the street towards my sister and the other kids. I assumed that it
would slow down eventually. But it didn’t. I’m not sure what happened but I immediately got up a sprinted towards my sister and the other kids. They were playing this game where one person would be skating and showing off their tricks while the others sat and watched. My sister was up and the other children were watching her. When they saw the car coming they ran away and my sister was still there. I was running so fast it felt like my legs were spinning like in a cartoon. I finally got to her and I pushed her out of the way right before the car swerved into the cul de sac. When I tackled her we hit the ground but I hit my head on a huge rock. When I hit the rock it felt like everything was in slow motion. It didn’t really hurt but I still felt a sting. Then I heard ringing. It was like in movies where there’s a bomb that goes off and everything sounds really far away. I could see all of my friends running toward me and when they got to me they all asked if I was okay and I physically couldn’t respond. I opened my mouth but nothing would come out. I heard my sister ask if we should call our mother so I nodded. My sister called my mom and explained to her what had happened. She took me to the doctor and they said I had a mild concussion and that I would be fine. When we got home my mom told me that that’s what I get for sneaking out.

12 comments:

  1. I got a slightly supernatural vibe from this story (very nice by the way) from the creepy stranger you described watching all of you. What intrigued me the most was the use of the black car as the "vehicle" for the angst and climax of the story rather than the stranger. One would assume it would be the stranger as the cause of all of the trouble, but I liked the way you twisted that. Nice cautionary tale!

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  2. This story had me on my toes. You did a great job adding details to all the events that occurred and I was able to feel as if i were there. Great Job Donyale - jayleen lupian

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  3. Donyale, this was such an interesting story to share! I know that I can personally relate because I hardly leave the house during the summer, so it's always nice to try to find fun and exciting things to pass the time! I wasn't expecting the twist ending at all; I'm glad you're okay, but your mom's response was just the icing on top of the cake! Great use of detail, I felt like I was there with you!

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  4. Really great job Donyale!! The second you and your sister left the house it felt like I was leaving with you guys. The amount of detail you used to describe all of the weird things going on at the park was perfect. When your mom said," Thats what you get...." I could hear my mom telling me the same exact thing when I don't listen to her.

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  5. This sounds like an unforgettable experience. I’m glad to hear that no one received any permanent injuries. I felt the stress because of how vividly you described that experience. Thank you for sharing this story because I found it very intriguing.

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  6. This story was extremely exciting! The way you described everything with such detail I felt like I was there. It was the perfect amount of creepy and funny. Good job!

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  7. Your piece was such a great read and I was intrigued the entire time! You used a recurring tone of creepiness that added to the progression of the story that I thought was really cool. Your diction was easy to read and I felt as if I was in the story. Amazing job!

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  8. Really interesting story!! Your description was perfect and I was able to imagine the whole thing happening right in front of me and it got all of my senses involved picturing what you were picturing
    Carlos Villegas

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  9. I could imagine what that felt like at the moment. It was very well detailed and it was clear what was going on and how you and your sister were felling. Amazing job Donyale.

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  10. Donyale, your story petrified. After I read the first 5 sentences of your story, I assumed that this story would end with you and your sister resisting to meet David. When I continued to read your story, it became more and more suspenseful and worrisome. For example, when you described how you couldn't see your sister and when you described the skeptic car part on the street. This kind of imagery really shows the importance of your story and how you should always obey your parents. Great job!
    - Mayur Chhitu

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  11. This piece was so very descriptive, it was very detailed. It had created such a picture, and the story line was so intense, you’re almost left wondering. Throughout the entire story, the suspense is built up and as a reader you’re just waiting for the blow up to happen. I also think that adding that last detail of what your mom said allows for the comic relief.

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  12. Donyale, your blog was so interesting and made me want it to never end. The descriptive words and go use of imagery really helped convey your story, and I very much enjoyed that, good job!

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