"The Art of the DM" by Chad L-M

      Throughout history, mankind’s methods of attracting and getting a mate have evolved as
time goes on. In the stone age it was a brutal battle between who was the alpha, in the medieval times it was a joust battle to the death, and in the 20th century it was a courtship with beautiful flowers handpicked by the gentleman (or a close family arrangement for those living in the Appalachian mountain range). However, when your handwritten letter professing all of your deepest, heart throbbing emotions and feelings for the girl you never even talked to, inevitably fails with you ending up humiliated amongst all of her friends, you may begin to fear of never finding love again. You may even have the fear of losing your 5th grade crush to the fastest runner at recess. Fear not young padawan, for I have a foolproof method for getting that girl of your dreams without fail! Gentlemen, (and ladies, if you’re bold like that) I present to you my secret step-by-step method for getting that mate of your dreams: “The Art of the DM”.
     Now at first you may be thinking, “Nah, this guy is baloney, there’s no way you can actually get a girl through a DM.”, and “I’ve tried this before, and it I was left on ‘read’”, or if you’re an ancient dinosaur still asking your kids how to work your iphone, “What in the world is a ‘DM’”. If you’re either of the first two then I can assure you that as long as you follow my course step-by-step, this method WILL work, but if you’re the last one then this isn’t for you. I used to be like you, very skeptical of the whole direct messaging process, and just like you I was once a failure with the ladies as well as what my father saw me as. However, through thousands of hours of research and testing on the most effective ways to attract a mate in the 21st century, through sleepless nights of grinding (doing my research of course), and after many failures, I have mastered the Art of the DM and have only had 100% success with the babes. I have decided that I no longer want to watch guys suffer in fake depression and sorrow, sulking to their simp playlists in their room, being complete beta males, and I would rather help them get the girl of their dreams with this fountain of essential knowledge that I have compiled into my method of the Art of the DM. Keep in mind that this isn’t as basic as putting a Supreme sticker on your Hydroflask, this method for attracting a mate is a perfected ART.     Let’s begin.
     The first step in the Art of the DM is to get notepad or something to write on. Once you have that, begin stalking all of your Instagram and Twitter baddies as you usually do (whether they are from school or you just added them since they were in your recommended box) and begin to write down the username(s) of your potential wife(s). Got it? Good. Now if you see your future wife at school, your minimum wage job, or in public, make sure to either get their username by asking your homies, frantically searching their name in the search box, or all of the above. DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT actually go up and “talk” to them or even think about asking them for their “@” in public, as only a complete imbecile would do such a thing. Plus, just look at you, you’re a loser, that’s why you’re here (but don’t worry just continue along). Be also very cautious as to which baddie you decide to keep track of, as some are not worth your time pursuing, but are there just to look at and salivate over. A few red flags include: “men are trash” retweets, “spooky szn but still no boo” tweets, an excess of filters and “catfish lighting” to

hide their imperfections and compensate for their lack of self esteem, an attempt to be funny with unoriginal tweets, or the outdated post “im good luv, enjoy”.
      Once you have your list of future mates, the second step in the Art of the DM is to make sure that your profile is as visually appealing and representative of you as possible. This means posting all, and I mean all of your epic Fortnite highlights, your mirror selfies with the camera flash on, your smoking of forbidden substances (the Devil’s Cabbage and the Juul), as well as that one time you went to the gym in all of your outdated Adidas gear. Remember that the epic Fortnite highlights are absolutely crucial if you want this to work, as it let’s all of the females know how alpha you are through your display of how you epically own the “noobs”.
     After making sure your social media profiles are up to par and ready to dab on the haters, you must then proceed to the third step which is following the girl, on whatever social media platform that may be. For quicker success, make sure to like her last three pictures she posted. While this is usually enough to get the spark ignited, you may have to be more diligent in the art, so you should continue to follow and unfollow her to get the flame going. In the unlikely case that your future wife doesn’t reciprocate the same energy back on social media, it means that she is just busy and is not ignoring you.
     The fourth step of the Art of the DM, and arguably the most vital, is to actually go ahead and DM the apple of your eye. With this step, imagine you are a savage lion, The King of the Beasts, creeping in the grassy Savannah, ready to pounce on your prey (the female). Now before you get your mind in the gutter, realize that this analogy is used to represent your swiftness and finesse, as well as confidence and wit needed when catching your prey, or in this case Direct Messaging your potential baby mamma. Too slow or scared, and you’ll lose your pray and starve (they block you). You may be wondering, “Bro, I don’t know what to do. What should I say?” With this part, you have a plethora of things to say in order to seal the deal, or at least start a conversation with your e-girlfriend. Here are some examples:

• -  “Hey, I was wondering if you could help me finish this book I was writing? It’s actually a phonebook and all I need to now is your number in it.”
  
• -  “*send ball emoji*, ‘Oops, I think my ball accidently fell in this DM.”
  
• -  “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘U’ and ‘I’ together.”
  
• -  “Do you believe in love at first sight—or should I walk by again?”
  
  Make sure to have them be as cheesy as possible. If you are a man of few words you can even just send the “two eyes” emoji to start pulling all kinds of ladies. Also, make sure not to post a “like for tbh”, or comment on their stories/posts expecting the interaction to go anywhere just by complimenting their looks like the average schmuck.
  
  From this point on either you followed all of the steps correctly and you now are a master of attraction and seduction with the ladies, or you failed because you didn’t follow the Art of the DM step-by-step correctly. Another plausible cause for failure may be that your epic Fortnite clips, were in reality, not so epic. Therefore make sure to “git gud” and only post your most epically epic of highlights. You don’t need to worry about anything after the DM, as you will
  

become so incredibly alpha that things such as social skills, a decent personality, and good looks are unnecessary. Also, in the rare case that your potential spicy señorita leaves you on “read” or “seen” with no response, just know that it is not because the Art of the DM doesn’t work (which is a preposterous assumption to make due to its perfectness), but it is most likely because she is overwhelmed by how alpha you are and can’t even begin to muster a response from her thumbs, especially under the excess testosterone you are emitting just through the screen. In that case, block her immediately. Alternatively, you can send her the “Let’s Play 8 Ball Pool” message, which is the same thing you should send in response to someone who sends you paragraph-long texts.
The final step after getting your guaranteed success from following the Art of the DM step-by-step, is to share your success stories to all of your homies that you catch lacking in clout. I will not publicly share my inconceivable abundance of personal success stories with women just because I wouldn’t want to flex on you. Just take my ALPHA word for it. So what are you waiting for loser? Get your mouth salivating, your eyes stalking, your thumbs warming, and start sliding in those DMs!