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Monday, November 26, 2018

"The Art of the DM" by Chad L-M



      Throughout history, mankind’s methods of attracting and getting a mate have evolved as

time goes on. In the stone age it was a brutal battle between who was the alpha, in the medieval times it was a joust battle to the death, and in the 20th century it was a courtship with beautiful flowers handpicked by the gentleman (or a close family arrangement for those living in the Appalachian mountain range). However, when your handwritten letter professing all of your deepest, heart throbbing emotions and feelings for the girl you never even talked to, inevitably fails with you ending up humiliated amongst all of her friends, you may begin to fear of never finding love again. You may even have the fear of losing your 5th grade crush to the fastest runner at recess. Fear not young padawan, for I have a foolproof method for getting that girl of your dreams without fail! Gentlemen, (and ladies, if you’re bold like that) I present to you my secret step-by-step method for getting that mate of your dreams: “The Art of the DM”.
     Now at first you may be thinking, “Nah, this guy is baloney, there’s no way you can actually get a girl through a DM.”, and “I’ve tried this before, and it I was left on ‘read’”, or if you’re an ancient dinosaur still asking your kids how to work your iphone, “What in the world is a ‘DM’”. If you’re either of the first two then I can assure you that as long as you follow my course step-by-step, this method WILL work, but if you’re the last one then this isn’t for you. I used to be like you, very skeptical of the whole direct messaging process, and just like you I was once a failure with the ladies as well as what my father saw me as. However, through thousands of hours of research and testing on the most effective ways to attract a mate in the 21st century, through sleepless nights of grinding (doing my research of course), and after many failures, I have mastered the Art of the DM and have only had 100% success with the babes. I have decided that I no longer want to watch guys suffer in fake depression and sorrow, sulking to their simp playlists in their room, being complete beta males, and I would rather help them get the girl of their dreams with this fountain of essential knowledge that I have compiled into my method of the Art of the DM. Keep in mind that this isn’t as basic as putting a Supreme sticker on your Hydroflask, this method for attracting a mate is a perfected ART.     Let’s begin.
     The first step in the Art of the DM is to get notepad or something to write on. Once you have that, begin stalking all of your Instagram and Twitter baddies as you usually do (whether they are from school or you just added them since they were in your recommended box) and begin to write down the username(s) of your potential wife(s). Got it? Good. Now if you see your future wife at school, your minimum wage job, or in public, make sure to either get their username by asking your homies, frantically searching their name in the search box, or all of the above. DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT actually go up and “talk” to them or even think about asking them for their “@” in public, as only a complete imbecile would do such a thing. Plus, just look at you, you’re a loser, that’s why you’re here (but don’t worry just continue along). Be also very cautious as to which baddie you decide to keep track of, as some are not worth your time pursuing, but are there just to look at and salivate over. A few red flags include: “men are trash” retweets, “spooky szn but still no boo” tweets, an excess of filters and “catfish lighting” to
hide their imperfections and compensate for their lack of self esteem, an attempt to be funny with unoriginal tweets, or the outdated post “im good luv, enjoy”.
      Once you have your list of future mates, the second step in the Art of the DM is to make sure that your profile is as visually appealing and representative of you as possible. This means posting all, and I mean all of your epic Fortnite highlights, your mirror selfies with the camera flash on, your smoking of forbidden substances (the Devil’s Cabbage and the Juul), as well as that one time you went to the gym in all of your outdated Adidas gear. Remember that the epic Fortnite highlights are absolutely crucial if you want this to work, as it let’s all of the females know how alpha you are through your display of how you epically own the “noobs”.
     After making sure your social media profiles are up to par and ready to dab on the haters, you must then proceed to the third step which is following the girl, on whatever social media platform that may be. For quicker success, make sure to like her last three pictures she posted. While this is usually enough to get the spark ignited, you may have to be more diligent in the art, so you should continue to follow and unfollow her to get the flame going. In the unlikely case that your future wife doesn’t reciprocate the same energy back on social media, it means that she is just busy and is not ignoring you.
     The fourth step of the Art of the DM, and arguably the most vital, is to actually go ahead and DM the apple of your eye. With this step, imagine you are a savage lion, The King of the Beasts, creeping in the grassy Savannah, ready to pounce on your prey (the female). Now before you get your mind in the gutter, realize that this analogy is used to represent your swiftness and finesse, as well as confidence and wit needed when catching your prey, or in this case Direct Messaging your potential baby mamma. Too slow or scared, and you’ll lose your pray and starve (they block you). You may be wondering, “Bro, I don’t know what to do. What should I say?” With this part, you have a plethora of things to say in order to seal the deal, or at least start a conversation with your e-girlfriend. Here are some examples:
  • -  “Hey, I was wondering if you could help me finish this book I was writing? It’s actually a phonebook and all I need to now is your number in it.”
  • -  “*send ball emoji*, ‘Oops, I think my ball accidently fell in this DM.”
  • -  “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘U’ and ‘I’ together.”
  • -  “Do you believe in love at first sight—or should I walk by again?”

    Make sure to have them be as cheesy as possible. If you are a man of few words you can even just send the “two eyes” emoji to start pulling all kinds of ladies. Also, make sure not to post a “like for tbh”, or comment on their stories/posts expecting the interaction to go anywhere just by complimenting their looks like the average schmuck.

    From this point on either you followed all of the steps correctly and you now are a master of attraction and seduction with the ladies, or you failed because you didn’t follow the Art of the DM step-by-step correctly. Another plausible cause for failure may be that your epic Fortnite clips, were in reality, not so epic. Therefore make sure to “git gud” and only post your most epically epic of highlights. You don’t need to worry about anything after the DM, as you will
become so incredibly alpha that things such as social skills, a decent personality, and good looks are unnecessary. Also, in the rare case that your potential spicy señorita leaves you on “read” or “seen” with no response, just know that it is not because the Art of the DM doesn’t work (which is a preposterous assumption to make due to its perfectness), but it is most likely because she is overwhelmed by how alpha you are and can’t even begin to muster a response from her thumbs, especially under the excess testosterone you are emitting just through the screen. In that case, block her immediately. Alternatively, you can send her the “Let’s Play 8 Ball Pool” message, which is the same thing you should send in response to someone who sends you paragraph-long texts.
The final step after getting your guaranteed success from following the Art of the DM step-by-step, is to share your success stories to all of your homies that you catch lacking in clout. I will not publicly share my inconceivable abundance of personal success stories with women just because I wouldn’t want to flex on you. Just take my ALPHA word for it. So what are you waiting for loser? Get your mouth salivating, your eyes stalking, your thumbs warming, and start sliding in those DMs!

32 comments:

  1. Chad, your helpful article was very enjoyable to read and I enjoyed the humorous sarcastic tone you held all throughout. You incorporated many specific examples that are relatable to teens today and quickly grabs a reader's attention with a great title. The imagery you use to describe your experiences all add to the overall tone. Good job! -Sofia H

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  2. Chad, your step-by-step guide was very humorous and a delight to read. I liked how you used an optimistic and sarcastic tone throughout the guide. Your allusions to present-day things such as fortnite really made the piece an enjoyable read and easy to latch to. -Paul Aureus

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  3. This was a hilarious piece of writing and it was absolutely a pleasure to read. I love your use of sarcasm throughout the piece and your use of dialect was extremely relatable. Keep up the good work!
    - camryn greer per.6

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  4. This was hilarious! I enjoyed reading the step-by-step process while your comments were spread throughout. The mix of humor and actual process was fantastic. I really enjoyed reading this piece! -Joshua Kidwell

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  5. Chad the fact that you were able to write a page and a half on "The Art of the DM" is amazing to me. The casual tone used in your blog made it more amusing and entertaining. The different examples presented in your work allowed it to further develop as the readers were able to get a feel on how to send an actual DM. This was a hilarious blog and I thank you for making me laugh about it.

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  6. Wow Chad I really enjoyed reading your piece because it was something that is relatable to our generation. I loved the way you were able to explain in detail what it is like trying to ask someone out through social media and the amount of work it takes to do it. I also like how you wrote it from a male perspective because people don't always get to hear both sides of the story when it comes to things like this.
    - Tanner Antonucci

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  7. As soon as I saw the title of this article, I immediately knew that this was a must read and I've never been more right in my life. Chad, despite the humorous tone held throughout your step-by-step guide, it truly was informative and effectively provides insight into the lives of the average teenager today. As someone who isn't necessarily well-informed about "The Art of the DM", your guide truly was helpful. I appreciate your use of analogies such as the one about the lion in the "grassy Savannah" and use of modern slang in order to make your article more digestible. Great work Chad! - Eugene Kim

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  8. This was so funny and amusing to read. It was so sarcastic and ironic but you made it seem as if you were totally serious. -Kaili Fisher

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  9. This was such an enjoyable guide to read. I especially loved how you used diction and examples that appealed to the audience of our generation such as being "alphas" and using a relevant video game. This was a hilarious piece to read and I hope you create more guides like this for your audience to either enjoy or actually follow.
    -Jacob Ramirez

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  10. Thank you for helping me become more epic with your step by step guide. But in all seriousness I thought your post was actually pretty well detailed as humorous as it was. I loved all of the little details and the other comparisons you made. You did a good job incorporating a more modern humorous take with it.

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  11. Chad, I love how your writing was very light and funny. You also did a very good job at keeping that lighthearted tone throughout the piece. Great Job!

    -Katy O'Hara
    Period 4

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  12. Nothing is better than sarcasm! I was first intrigued by your title. The title speaks for itself, just by reading the title I grinned because the topic is very relatable and with today's society. I love you you took something that is funny and made it serious with a sarcastic tone.
    -Kailee Hinds

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  13. Chad, this step-by-step guide was one of the funniest things I have read in a while, and genuinely made me laugh. I was enthused by the use of modern day norms that I have seen before, like the amazing fortnite clips and that one guy at the gym who only wears Adidas. Again, a very good guide!

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  14. This was a really funny piece, and a good read. As a female, I would like to point out the success rate on cheesy pick up lines, which are my favorite DMs. This was super funny and loved your style of writing.

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  15. Chad, not only was your work very comedic and humorous, but also very informative. I specifically enjoyed how you connected the Stone Age with the present. Your sarcastic tone and "Fortnite" references throughout were very fun aspects to this piece. Brilliant work.

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  16. Chad, absolutely lovely how to i can see how well you use the art of DM. The way you give examples to show the reader how to get chicas was amazing thank you for this how to absolutely amazing my favorite is how you ask for their number.
    Alejandro Marquez

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  17. I have to say Chad, the way you took the concept of attraction and so scientifically applied it to a DM was extremely humorous and cracked me up many times while reading. I think the funniest part is that some of the things you wrote can actually be quite realistic! Good job Chad!

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  18. Oh my goodness, your playbook had me laughing at the sarcastic tone and verbage you had used. You related many things with trends in today's society, thus keeping me intuiged and wanting to know how the steps ended. I especially loved how every step was greatly specific and if I were to follow this method step by step, I would know exactly what to do. Great job Chad!

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  19. First off, wow, you really be roasting us from this guide. Second, YES, THIS IS THE GUIDE I'VE NEEDED! Thank you good sir! However I think I may find some problems in that 1. I'm looking for the cute boys, 2. I refuse to play Fornite, 3. I have no social skills, 4. There is no such thing as smoking in THIS Christian household, and 5. What is 8-Ball???

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  20. Your blog is so funny! It was really entertaining to read, I was interested from the title and the references made it very enjoyable for the reader. Good job

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  21. Chad you are a comedic genius, I was laughing the whole time I read this and was intrigued by how something so meme worthy became something educational(ish) and hilarious at the same time. I like how you used cliches in the writing as well as allusions about Fortnite. -Joshua Perez

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  22. This was a very interesting step by step that was very unique. I didn't expect to see this but I was more fascinated on how good it was. It was made very well and I was entertained the whole time. It really showed how creative and witty you are in a way that most kids our age would know about. Overall hilarious and great job. 🏀 I think my ball fell in your comments.

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  23. Chad, this may be one of the most hilarious and amusing pieces I've read thus far. Your use of an academic tone coupled with modern day slang commonly used on social networking services really adds to the comedic effect of your piece overall. Hopefully with your guide, I'll be able to get the #1 Victory Royale and win the heart of my future wife using my epic alpha Fortnite clips.

    -Lance Anthony Aquino

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  24. Wow Chad I really enjoyed reading your piece because it was something that is relatable to our generation. I loved the way you were able to explain in detail what it is like trying to ask someone out through social media and the amount of work it takes to do it. I also like how you wrote it from a male perspective because people don't always get to hear both sides of the story when it comes to things like this.
    - Tanner Antonucci

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  25. Chad, I found your guide rather interesting and very humorous. I really enjoyed readiing it and liked how you incorporated a lot of todays social media "slang" it made it easy to relato to.- Santiago Rodriguez

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  26. Hi Chad. I used to be a beta simp who used to play on my Nintendo Switch all day, drink Soylent, and sulk about how other guys get Twitter thots. However,due to your article, I gained 40 pounds in pure muscle, changed my name to Chad Thunderbolt, and have 4 wives, all former Instagram models. I respect you and your work, and I'll see you at the bench press. Epic style!😎
    Chad Thunderbolt (formerly Mirza Baig)

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  27. Chad, this was quite a topic to write on! I was expecting this to be a serious, step-by-step guide on how to "shoot your shot", but your usage of wit and sarcasm really helped play up the humor, and made for a funny and well-detailed piece! I'm surprised how modernized you've made this and have appealed to our teen culture, and the comparison to predator-prey was an interesting choice!

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  28. Thanks, Chad. This how-to might be just the thing I'm looking for. I've had it all wrong this entire time! Anywho, nice specifics and detail, really kept it straightforward and informative.
    -Ethan Ford

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  29. Seriously this was so entertaining a,d it definitely caught my attention the second I started reading it. The way you guide people through the process of sending a DM is pretty funny, especially when, while reading this, you can just hear the comical tone you probably held while writing this. -Leslie Rodriguez

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  30. That was super funny, and totally something I would've never expected to read on here. I loved your matter-of-fact attitude throughout the piece.

    - Luis Matute

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  31. I first want to start off by saying I don’t know you chad but I appreciate you, you have single handedly solved all dm troubles across the world.:) No poor guys getting left on read no more awkward conversation. And for the rest of you trust me this step by step guide is the one for you and it really works !!!
    But seriously this was one of the funniest entries I’ve seen on the blog I love the imagery that you used and how you were able to Incorporate something so familiar to us in a homework assignment is absolutely genius.
    -Johnny Gitau

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  32. Chad, I really enjoyed reading your story. It was very funny and I'm sure a lot of people were able to relate to it. I loved how you used examples and your diction. I'm sure that everybody else enjoyed it as much as I did. Good Job!!!

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