Jane was kind of
bummed that Friday the 13th didn't fall in the month of October, but she wasn't
going to let that ruin her favorite holiday; Halloween. Every year for Halloween, Jane always passed
out candy by herself, since both her parents worked on Halloween every year for
some reason. Maybe that was why she enjoyed Halloween so much, she could watch
classic horror movies while also being able to see all of the adorable little
kids in costume.
This year was different. Everything felt off and Jane was on edge in her empty house. The feeling didn't stop her from watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre in the darkness of her room though. She could watch horror movies for hours and not get scared. As the ring of the doorbell and the soft knocks of the kids mellowed out, the feeling of tension and unease that Jane had felt in her empty home was so thick it could be sliced with a butter knife.
This year was different. Everything felt off and Jane was on edge in her empty house. The feeling didn't stop her from watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre in the darkness of her room though. She could watch horror movies for hours and not get scared. As the ring of the doorbell and the soft knocks of the kids mellowed out, the feeling of tension and unease that Jane had felt in her empty home was so thick it could be sliced with a butter knife.
For the first time in
years, she was actually scared of something, but she just didn't know what it
was and that put her even more on edge.
Jane was going to settle in for the night, she had run out of candy hours ago and decided that she should probably get some rest. As she was about to enter dreamland, someone called her. It was almost midnight why would someone be calling so late? She decides that it would be best to answer, just in case someone is in need of help, which would explain why they would be calling so late.
Jane was going to settle in for the night, she had run out of candy hours ago and decided that she should probably get some rest. As she was about to enter dreamland, someone called her. It was almost midnight why would someone be calling so late? She decides that it would be best to answer, just in case someone is in need of help, which would explain why they would be calling so late.
All that could be
heard on the other line was the sound of very heavy breaths, almost like the
person had been running from something and was just now regaining their
composure.
"Umm hello? Is someone there?", Jane asked.
The unknown caller went very silent and it gave Jane a feeling like they knew something that she didn't. Finally, after a few minutes, the caller spoke with the deepest, scratchiest voice Jane had ever heard, "I think you should run while you still have legs".
"Umm hello? Is someone there?", Jane asked.
The unknown caller went very silent and it gave Jane a feeling like they knew something that she didn't. Finally, after a few minutes, the caller spoke with the deepest, scratchiest voice Jane had ever heard, "I think you should run while you still have legs".
I like how you left off with a cliffhanger almost as if it was left for the reader to finish. Great way to bring about the Halloween spirit! Enjoyed reading it!! - Joshua Kidwell
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely amazing short spooky season story. I liked how the suspense slowly built up and how it showed the main character's fear until the very end with the threatening phone call. I also like your use of descriptive imagery and your creativity with metaphors throughout the piece. The most creative one in my opinion was the sentence comparing the tension in the house to butter being sliced by a knife.
ReplyDeleteMary, this piece of work was so compelling. It left the reader on a cliff hanger which is what causes the reader to want more. The way that you explained what was happening outside with the children and the feelings that Jane was feeling was done well.
ReplyDeleteReading this piece was amazing through and through. The perfect holiday that went bad, prefect for the halloween day which is approaching soon. The cliffhanger at the end made me wonder so many things such as what is going to happen?, who was calling?, and many other questions that i wish I had the answers to.-Sezar Guitron
ReplyDeleteI like how the story first off started as just a normal halloween for Jane but then slowly turned into a scary night for Jane when she receives that phone call. The built of suspense and cliff hanger at the very end deffinetely left the reader wanting more.
ReplyDeleteMary, this was such a very suspenseful piece! Well done! I especially felt attached to reading this through your descriptions and imageries from “a butter knife” to the “deepest, scratchiest voice” from the caller. This really helps sets in the mood of tension and fear that you were trying to illustrate for Jane and sets up for the cliffhanger at the end. Nicely done!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the use of rhetorical devises to add more imagery.(E.g ¨...so thick it could be sliced with a butter knife.¨)The ending sent a chill down my spine, but I it was a good short story.
ReplyDelete-Grecia Sepulveda
Although I am commenting in November now, I can still feel the chill when I was reading your story. This piece was written very clearly and descriptively, and I was hooked to it after I read the first sentence! You did an amazing job on building up to the climax with every sentence and catching the attention of the audience! Nicely done, Mary!
ReplyDelete-Xiaoqing Zhong p.4
I like how your blog had that mysterious tone in which we didn't know who was calling Jane. It ended off very well with the cliff hanger, where the audience is left off with multiple questions. I also liked how there was a small back story for the main character as the plot grew. Overall, I think you did a good job!
ReplyDelete- Valarie Ly
I loved how the beginning of the story started off like any ordinary day, really setting up the effect of the ending. I also really liked how the ending had been brought an abrupt stopped leaving it to the reader's imagination to finish the story. I love the use of the mysterious yet frightful tone.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great poem Mary! I could visualize everything in this poem as if I were witnessing it. The cliffhanger is what makes this poem more "spooky." This allowed the reader to come up with their own endless conclusion, Excellent poem -jayleen lupian
ReplyDeleteGreat piece!! While reading it I kept thinking, how is it going to end? I feel as if your short story should have a second part. The mystery of the "unknown caller" keeps the reader guessing who this person is and what they may know. I loved how you set the character as someone who isn't scared easily. This makes us wonder if she is finally scared of something. -Kailee Hinds
ReplyDeleteGreat piece!! While reading it I kept thinking, how is it going to end? I feel as if your short story should have a second part. The mystery of the "unknown caller" keeps the reader guessing who this person is and what they may know. I loved how you set the character as someone who isn't scared easily. This makes us wonder if she is finally scared of something. -Kailee Hinds
ReplyDeleteMary, this was such a great and suspenseful short story. The story was short but left me on the edge of my seat. The way you structured your story was brilliant. It was very short and sweet but effective. -Paul Aureus
ReplyDeleteWow! The suspense was so heavy throughout the story that I thought I was the one receiving the call. This a great way to send out "spooky season" with a BANG! The way it sounded like a normal day at the beginning and then ends with suspense is just genius! Great job!!
ReplyDeleteMary, this was a really good suspenseful story. It really got me wanting to know what was going to happen next. Great job at the ending too. This was a brilliant piece.
ReplyDelete-Jasmine Hernandez
I hated/loved how u ended with a cliffhanger it was so good but I wish there was more because I want to know what happens next! Great story and I love your use of details! It was good I loved your story
ReplyDelete-Soraya viteri
I always enjoy a good story that sends a shiver down my spine, and this was definitely one of them. Just the thought of some stranger breathing on the other end of a unknown phone number gives me chills, and this did exactly that. Definitely a great story!!!
ReplyDeleteWow, this is so suspenseful! I love that you started the story off very normal and calm, and then ended with a cliffhanger. Your story was short, yet you still managed to give it depth, which is absolutely amazing. I want to know what happens next! The detail allowed me to picture the story in my head, as if it was a horror movie I was watching. Loved it.
ReplyDeleteMary the timing the this blog was great! To start the story off easy and simple and building up to the suspense that something bad was going to happen was a great idea. And to make the story end right when Jane gets the unknown call was a total cliffhanger.
ReplyDeleteWow!! I really like the amount of suspense that you put in your work and I thought the use of imagery was very useful in adding to it. I wish you would write a continuation of this story because I would love to read what happens next after the cliffhanger. Great job :)
ReplyDeleteYES, SPOOKY STORY! Anyway, I really love that it's straight to the tension of the night so you can feel the dread in the air. Nicely done!
ReplyDeleteWhat a perfect story just in time for the spooky season. Something I loved was the suspenseful and uneasiness that the story gives as you read it, you were able to capture the essence of classic horror movies and portray it in your piece. The cliffhanger ending was perfect and made the short story very full and an amazing representation of trilogy horror flicks.
ReplyDeleteThe suspense and detailed description is rich and evident in the second paragraph. Your ability to create a story and and lead the reader on this long journey and then have such a momentous cliff hanger at the end. I also love the theme that went along with Halloween and that is was not just the cliche spooky story that everyone hears around this time of year. - Milena Codling 6:44pm
ReplyDeleteMary I love how you wrote a sort of “spooky” blog piece for the month of October, it fit perfectly. You wrote beautifully and left us readers at cliffhanger. Hopefully you have more to the story :) I’d love to read it. Good job!!
ReplyDelete-Taylor Archuletta
Wonderful peace of work, the incredible description really allows the reader to submerge themselves into the story. " The deepest Scratchiest voice" Absolutely stunning:)
ReplyDelete-Johnny Gitau
Mary, this was such a detailed and scary piece! I loved how your work brought chills down my spine, and as the plot progressed I was more curious what was going to happen to Jane, and what the caller wanted. I think the most interesting part was comparing tension and unease as thick enough to the point where it needed a knife, very original and worked well with your structure.
ReplyDeleteVery spooky! I liked the character building that was incorporated for Jane, the fact that she is generally not phased by scary things makes her fear that much more crucial. The cliffhanger at the end was great as well!
ReplyDeleteI loved how this story constantly kept me interested! I also liked how you incorporated Halloween themes. When reading this I was able to put myself in the main character's mindset and suspense continued to build until the very end. I loved your story!!!!
ReplyDelete- Brooke Leslie
Super suspenseful and eerie I love it! This was a perfect little thrill just in time for Halloween and you perfectly captured the feeling!
ReplyDelete-Alyssa Nelson
Woah! this piece was intense. I love horror movies and this one reminds me of a classic. This was very interesting and i'm left wanting more like, who was the caller? what happened to Jane? i would love a second part. Overall, a great, simple, piece that has plenty of detail to keep you on the edge of your seat.
ReplyDeleteGeez Louise, this read was quite a suspenseful thrilling story that sent chills on my body. I like the tension build when our protagonist, Jane, gets "the call" and makes me, the reader, keep reading. This story was great to picture as if it were being displayed in front of me, overall this story was hands down a good read.
ReplyDeleteGreat piece. I enjoyed the fact that I was able to visualize what was happening and also put myself into the story. The cliffhanger left me really intrigued and wanting more. Awesome job!
ReplyDelete- Donyale Thomas
This piece really had my heart going! I loved the way you structured your story and the build up to all of it was great! I also really loved the cliffhanger ending and I thought it added to the suspense!
ReplyDeleteMary, the suspense that you built with your word choice and diction was palpable and overall it was a well written piece.
ReplyDelete-Braden Bailey
Mary, the suspense that you built with your word choice and diction was palpable and overall it was a well written piece.
ReplyDelete-Braden Bailey
This is such a good piece filled with suspense and mystery. The descriptions really add to the overall setting and imagery to the story. Plus the ending was amazing and so original.
ReplyDelete