"Untitled" by Jacqueline E.

I learned a lot inside a year. All by myself. I’m drowning in a pool full of water neck deep, but I’m used to fighting to keep my head above the water. I felt a lot within these handful of months. I’m laying in the dark, I can’t move, I’m screaming so loud but no one can hear me, I’m crying for help but no one comes, because no one else is in the house. But I survived. I dealt with so much with another turn around the sun. I’m in the passenger seat of a car that is crashing and in three seconds I can’t hear a single thing but I can feel my body being thrown forward, I can smell smoke, I can feel pain, and I think I am dying. But I continue to live. Sometimes I did feel like I was at the top of the world but I was not at the top of the world. If anything, I was sinking to the bottom of the earth and when I was all alone I had nowhere to go. I still thank the universe for being my greatest accomplice despite it all. We really all just want to be something, and I hope that love and happiness is all that we attract. I’m thankful for the family that loved me more than my own, and they took me in and they became my new home. I have been heartbroken, destroyed, abandoned, and defeated yet I’m going to stick around. I also had yellow days. When the day is nice, the sun shines just right through the green leaves and tree branches and we lay there looking up. When our favorite song comes on and that is all we can hear, and everything feels right, or we sit in a parking lot in front of a Wienerschnitzel while the sun is going down and cry tears of love. If every day was yellow I would be very happy. I love my friends. Talking to the moon won’t fix a single thing but at least I got them. I am no longer afraid. The future is no longer atrocious, life is precious. I know I am a mess but at least I made progress. There are no more monsters and I can finally breathe again. I don’t want to remember the bad things, my memories are fading, going rapidly, leaving drastically. I am letting go. I learned a lot inside a year. Whether it is heartbreak, abuse, abandonment, loneliness, losses, or fear, I learned that everything will be okay. I will be okay. - ps.Jackie