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Monday, November 27, 2017

"Untitled" by Ravreet K


I woke up around 4 AM and dragged myself out of bed. Pouring myself some cereal, I sat down on the table and started to eat. Suddenly, my phone started ringing and pierced through the morning’s peace. Why would Jeff call me at this time?
“Hello,” I said.
“Mark get over here, there’s something you need to see!” he exclaimed.
“Yeah I’ll be over there in a bit.” I hung up.
 I looked over at the time, 4:30. What could Jeff possibly need at this time? After deciding I look decent enough I got into my car. “Hmmm, that’s weird all the lights are out,” I thought. Must be a power outage. A few minutes later I pulled into Jeff’s driveway. All of a sudden, 5 police cars come barreling down the road.
One pulled over and the officer yelled, “Get inside! It’s not safe!”
Confused I got out of the car and headed to Jeff’s door. Before I could knock, the door was yanked open and Jeff yelled for me to get in.
“What’s happening, why is everyone freaking out?”
“Not sure, one minute I was watching TV, next I heard an explosion down the street. A cop came by and told us all to go back inside. We asked him what was going on but he said he wasn’t sure eit-” Jeff was cut off by a knock on the door.
“Who could that be?” Jeff said while opening the door.
“You two. With me. Now.” it was the cop from earlier.
I wondered where he was taking us as I glanced at Jeff. Jeff had a pained look on his face and I noticed a gash on his arm.
“What happened to your arm?” I questioned.
“Both of you, quiet.” the officer yelled.
I sat back in my seat and looked around. The sun had started to come up. Suddenly, the cop slammed on the brakes.
“RUN!” the officer yelled while exiting the car.
I looked up and saw about 10 people with guns running towards us. Jeff and I glanced at each other and started sprinting away.
            “Stop or we'll shoot!” someone cried behind us.
I kept running, that was my mistake. I heard a pop and felt searing pain and everything started to fade away.
I woke up shivering. I opened my eyes and was blinded by white lights.
            “Welcome back,” said a doctor.
            “The simulation finished?” I asked.
            “Yes, it was a success. We will just need you to relax for a few minutes while we finish transferring your memories.” the doctor said.

20 comments:

  1. Very thrilling plot! I'm not even gonna deny it, that was a complete plot twist at end and I was shocked because the story was very descriptive and seemed real at the beginning. Good work rav!

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  2. Interesting perspective, It seemed like a real game simulation. I also like all the glitches like a real game has.

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  3. This post had me hooked from the very beginning. The action started almost immediately and went a complete 180 degrees just as quickly. The plot was very suspenseful and interesting, and the ending was even better. Overall, your story was very exciting and easy to read.

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  4. I really enjoyed this! Regardless that it's a short piece, the short dialogue and ending of this piece was really captivating. It leaves a lot of questions for the reader, and maybe it's up to them to decide what was really going on. Thanks for writing this great piece!

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  5. Great plot twist at the end. A story that started off a little weird turns into a story that no one could have foreseen. Great plot!

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  6. This was very thrilling and exciting to read. I was not expecting the plot twist at the end of the story. It was very creative of you to make what the narrator was experiencing a simulation instead of real life.

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  7. This was so crazy Ravreet! I was hooked from the beginning and the action was great! After I read this I had many questions left for the plot. At the end, the plot twist threw me off! This was a great plot and makes me want to read a second part. Great Job.

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  8. Not only did the title draw my attention, but the hook from the beginning of the piece truly drew me in to keep reading. I like how you managed to build up the suspense using short syntax in order to dive straight to the climax of the plot. Great plot twist at the end!

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  9. Reading this post was engaging from start to finish! My eyes were glued and I was amazed at how fast paced the event was being told as well as the unexpected shift at the end. In my opinion, this would be an intriguing storyline for a movie or show.

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  10. I did not see that plot twist coming at the end and was honestly very surprised in a good way. I loved how you got the reader wanting to read more and more as they went on due to it being a very suspenseful piece. Very well detailed and thought out, great job Ravreet!

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  11. When I read this I sort of felt like I was on drugs. Not that I have ever done drugs, but that's just the feeling that I got while reading this. It just sort of felt like a bad dream. My thoughts were proven true by the ending of this short story, that all of this was just a simulation. Interestingly you mention that they were "transferring your memories" which means that most likely the events happening prior did indeed take place, and there is more of a story to this. Good job Ravreet!

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  12. Nice job! The beginning had me both confused and curious at the same time. When I began to get into the plot and understand what was going on, the plot twist had me curious all over again. I hope to read more because this was a really interesting piece.

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  13. Short, but the strong hook and the thrilling plot kept my attention. I might say it's too short--I'm left wanting an explanation to everything. Nicely done.

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  14. Nice story! The plot gave me goosebumps and a desire to read more on what will happen next.

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  15. Wow! I did not expect this ending. I knew there was going to be some sort of plot twist but you sort of twisted the plot twist itself with another turn. Great piece, I love the maintained suspense throughout the story

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  16. This is a very thrilling short story, it kept me on the edge of my seat wondering what could happen and what was the reason behind the police officers and the chaos happening.

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  17. towards the beginning I was as confused as the narrator himself. But that's what made me love the story even more. Loved all the suspense you added to it. Great work

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  18. What a plot twist! The overall imagery and diction kept me intrigued and interested throughout the whole piece, but it left me wanting more. This piece was very well written and detailed. Great job!
    -Eliana Rodriguez

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  19. What a plot twist! The overall imagery and diction kept me intrigued and interested throughout the whole piece, but it left me wanting more. This piece was very well written and detailed. Great job!
    -Eliana Rodriguez

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  20. This was an amazing story!! The story was extremely well written.As soon as I started reading I immediately became hooked oonto the story. I was very surprised by the plot twist at the end of the starry.
    Steve Martinez P.1

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