Late December, With an bitter cold storm approaching a small Illinois city, the families
that could gathered together in the cozy houses. Their windows ablaze with with candles and
chimneys relieving small hiccups of smoke and steam into the brisk night. Upon the rarely
cleaned and aged cobble stone paths, those less fortunate grasping one another to conserve
what warmth they have. Most understand the oncoming storm is likely to take the lives of more
than one of them. Food scarce and ribs showing would not be the worst of the problems the
cities poor would experience. Within the masses of the shivering and the scared, a small girl no
older than the age of eleven. Her name long forgotten, brushing away with the pass of those
who look at her with sympathy but take no action. In her seemingly last hours she recalls her
past, her previous life, and those she loved. Her 9th birthday was around the corner and all she
could think about was the silky, maroon dress that sat in the window of the shop across from her
home. She knew her mother, a tireless and underpaid worker couldn't afford such a dress, and
when her the day arrived she had no hope of anything special. She spent her birthday with a
few friends whose family were much better off than her own, and returned home later that night.
Entering her home as she had so many times before, she saw her mother sitting in the same
worn wooden chair, looking especially exhausted. Her mother then willed her to check the
bedroom that the two shared. Upon the bed the dress that she so desperately desired sat, as if
awaiting the young girl's arrival. Not even the 7 day flood could compare to the amount of
emotion that filled the girl’s heart. A brief smile seemed to work its way across the cracked and
light blue tinted lips of the girl who sat besides the long abandoned bakery. More of her
memories shoved their way back into her complex mind. Her mother's illness that she was too
innocent to understand at the time. The illness that ate away at the income, and dragged her
mother back, no matter how hard her faught. The girl would come home to find her frail mother
weeping in pain under the thin scratchy sheets of the bed. Until the day that the she would be
orphaned and left to fend for herself in a world that would never spare her a moment. A single
tear crawled down the gaunt and and grime covered cheek before splashing onto the
newspaper that covered the bare holes left in her torn clothes. The tips of her fingers now so
cold they could not feel the silky texture of the only reminder of her mother. Snow now falling
and icy winds striking and slashing at the girl's face and exposed flesh, she let go of all that held
her together. Coming apart at the seams not unlike the her 9th birthday present, her voice
almost inaudible against the wind manages to squeak out “i love you”, before passing into the
bleak whiteness of the impenetrable storm.
I loved this story, it brought up so much emotion. It was defiantly a surprise to dive into such an intense story based on the title. It was one emotional punch after another and i couldn't help but want more.
ReplyDeleteWow, this is such an emotional rollercoaster! I love how you portrayed the relationship between the mother and the daughter, even after the mother’s death. This story really makes you feel bad about seeing poverty on the streets and doing nothing about it. Keep up the great work!
ReplyDelete-Carianne Lefebvre
What the heck. This was so good!!! The imagery gave a lot of depth to the story. It made me feel awful and the hardships her mother faced as well as her future was hard to take it all in but made me want to continue reading.
ReplyDeleteI was extremely impressed with your use of imagery and the emotion it was able to evoke. Your story really hits the heart and was able to deliver such a compelling, yet tragic story line. Though I am heartbroken after reading your story, you have left me wishing there was more to read. Wow, simply an amazing piece of writing!
ReplyDeleteI really loved this story! Your emotions literally jumped offed the page. Emotions were very well placed into this story and showed exactly how the girl was feeling. Great job using details I really enjoyed reading this.
ReplyDeleteBy just reading the title I would never have guessed how your story would turn out. I loved how you bought so much emotion into the story and took me on a journey to the poor girls past. I felt for her and her plight. The ending was sad but also a perfect closing.
ReplyDeleteI loved it. You were very descriptive and used A LOT of imagery. This story made me realize that I really need to humble myself and not anything for granted. It was a lot of emotions but very well placed within the story to really pull me in.
ReplyDeleteI loved the imagery in the beginning, it caught my attention! this piece pulled on my heart strings ! nice work
ReplyDeleteThat was so great! All the imagery you used help play a little movie in my head as I read. Though it was so sad and made my heartache, it was so great to read. Stories like this help people not take for granted for what they and show what others have to go through, even at such a young age. Amazing Job!
ReplyDeleteThis was an interesting subject of choice for a short narrative. What surprised me the most was how well you were able to convey this impoverished girl's story, given your perspective as a person. I just would love to know and understand what the motivation was behind such a compelling story, and it just further proves to me how different the perspective of a speaker in a story can be from the author.
ReplyDelete- Ty Koslowski, Period 1
Great use of figurative language. It really brought the story to life and made your story much more poignant. Your story is sort of a reminder to others that we must be thankful for the things we currently have because our lives could be so much worse.
ReplyDeleteErl Lee
Wow! This story was impeccable! I think your usage of imagery did a remarkable job at conveying the tone as well as the feeling of the story. The vivid usage did a great job at telling a story and I can’t wait to see a follow up to this story, if one is intended. Good job!
ReplyDeleteAt first, I was very captured by your title "I Love You" because I was expecting this to be a love story and I find those very interesting. However, as I was reading I realized that this story had to do with a different kind of love and not as much romance. My emotions were sorrowful because your use of imagery helped me to visualize and feel the pain and heartbreak present in this story. I was also very impressed with your use of detail and figurative language that helped set he tone for your story. By reading this, I can tell you have an amazing imagination.
ReplyDeleteMaya Berdeja
This piece was really great, there was so much detail and imagery. I could feel your emotions as I read it and I felt so bad for the little girl. It felt really real and that's what made this story amazing. Great job, Dylan!
ReplyDeleteIntrigued by the title I was also expecting a romantic love story but I was still pleased with this warming love between a mother and her child. The use of figurative language most importantly metaphor and imagery made this piece so emotional and gave it the extra feeling the short story was intended to have. Good job!
ReplyDeleteAh I was immediately drawn in by the title of this piece and I certainly was both terribly and pleasantly surprised by its contents. The overall tone of the story is so heartbreaking and moving. I especially loved all the imagery involved from the description of the frigid coldness to the holes in the girl's most beloved possession. I could feel how the story was ending yet I so desperately wanted to save the young girl. I don't think i could have ever done such a beautiful yet sad piece as artfully as you have here. Great job.
ReplyDeleteThe entire piece pulled st my emotions, but the personification you utilized with the mother’s illness really stood out to me as extraordinary. This piece was very well put together, and made me grateful for what I have.
ReplyDeleteWow, the use of vocabulary and the way that you were able to drag the reader in was very well done. At first read, I didn't quite understand what was going on but after a couple more times there were so many different elements going on in it. Very well written!
ReplyDeleteThroughout the story, I felt my emotions welling up as I continued to read. I like how the story builds up and makes the reader form questions which end up getting answered as you read on. I really enjoyed this piece.
ReplyDelete-Ravreet Kang
This piece made me very emotional because I was able to picture what was happening throughout the story. You had such vivid imagery and used such great detail when describing the actions of both the girl and the mother. The ending made me really sad because I wanted to save that young girl, but not every story can have a happy ending. Overall, this was a great piece and I am glad you decided to share it with us!
ReplyDeleteWow, this piece was absolutely amazing. I loved the emotions you were able to evoke with all the imagery you used. I loved how you used a mother and daughter relationship to portray the poverty in our world. You left me heartbroken, wanting to help the poor girl. Beautiful job Dylan.
ReplyDeleteI am really crying right now thanks. Your vivid descriptions really immerse the reader into the various scenes. The imagery is on point and emphasizes the suffering experienced by the girl. The most important detail is the background with it being wintertime and all. Ice and the cold are commonly associated with pain and evil. The contrast with the maroon dress almost symbolizes hope. Great job
ReplyDelete