“Why
don’t you listen to me? You idiot! You’ve gone and done it again! You will
never get this chance again!” There it is again. The voice in my head screams
as I silently watch her walk away for the 8th time in a row. “Wow. A forty six
percent. Those colleges will laugh at you then throw your application in the
trash with all the other imbeciles.” My math grade has dropped to a seventy
percent as I try to hang on to this C- until graduation. “You look like a fool.
Ugly. Stupid. Don’t wear that, you look too skinny. Or that, it's too flashy.
You know what, you might as well wear a clown costume to school you dunce”.
Every day when I try to get dressed, he tells me I’m no good. Ever since my dream school denied my application,
I've been doubting myself. Sometimes he’s quiet. Sometimes he’s mean. Other
times, he is really mean. I found out that the only way to get rid of him is to
be confident. So I went to the gym, gained ten pounds and got a new haircut. I
went to the store and spent massive amounts of money on new clothes. I got an
eighty five percent on the latest math quiz. And I finally talked to her last
week.
Lately, he’s been silent. I guess he’s got
nothing left to say now that I got my life together. And for the first time in
weeks, I truly feel happy. Then I decided to push my luck. It ended up being
the worst decision of my life. On tuesday, I caught up to her after school.
“Hey, what’s up. I just wanted to know if
you wanted to hang out this summer.” “I don’t want this to be weird, but
I thought we were just friends. I never really saw you like that.” “Oh, no,
it’s fine” I whispered as I walked away in shame. “Nice one Romeo, you were
real smooth with that execution.” Uh-oh. He’s back. I ignored him and tried to
get focused for my math test next period. “The answer is C. No, not A. And
that’s not A either. You can’t have three A’s in a row you fool.” Before I know
it, the bell rings and I leave school unsure of my results. I checked my school
loop. My grade has dropped to a sixty seven. And right after that, I receive an
email from my back - up college. “We are sorry to inform you that your
application has been repealed due to your current grades. You may send an
appeal to our head of admissions.” “I don’t know how you got rejected by a
community college. You are truly special.” Shut up. “You're a failure, you
know.” SHUT UP! “I don’t know why your parents put up with you.” SHUT UP!!!
“You’re worthless, you piece of tra...” BANG!
Wow. This story left me speechless. The dialogue, diction, and the detailed way you structured your sentences all contributed to developing this masterpiece. The story had me hooked, beginning with the title, and I caught myself reading faster and faster as I continued because I was so mesmerized by your words. I liked how this story had sort of a roller coaster flow, since it started on the bottom, went up, but then came crashing down. The ending was unexpected and that's what left me so shook. Overall, this was an outstanding piece! Awesome job!
ReplyDeleteWoahhh!! That was almost like a movie in my head. AWESOME DETAIL AND DIALOGUE! I definitely enjoyed the energy that was portrayed in your piece. I can definitely relate to the emotion of the speaker. Sometimes we might find that, through all the cliches and social norms that set a standard to our success, or even who we are as an individual, the one that really hinders us from getting to where we want to be is ourselves. We tend to react heavily in our emotions when we are not told what we want to hear and that when knowing who you are as an individual comes in. In that case , whatever negativity that society try's to embed in us, won't effect us because we know that for one grades don't define our level of intelligence, and clothes don't define our beauty, and etc. Confidence and happiness comes truly from self-love. Therefore, AWESOME JOB conveying that in your piece, and to top it off , AMAZING ENDING !!
ReplyDeletedang... This was a very very moving piece! Throughout the story, the harsh dialogue between the speaker and the speaker's head allowed me to sympathize with this person. Also, the fact that the speaker recovered from tragic point in their life and went back to that stage made me pity them even more. I was hoping that he would recover again and I wasn't expecting that ending, so I was left SHOOK. But I know that these situations occur often and this story was well written. I just hope that those individuals are able to find help or help themselves and recover from it. Overall, good work!
ReplyDeleteI did not expect the ending, this was an awesome representation of how certain people thing and it was very well written and interesting to read
ReplyDeleteI am truly shocked because I did not see that end coming. Your piece is so important in that it brings up the serious issue of school and how it can deeply affect one's mental illness. I can relate to your story in that I always have self degrading thoughts whenever I don't get accepted into a college or don't get the best grade on the test. I sort of wish there was a message here rather than just abruptly leaving it with (what I'm assuming to be) a suicide so that students can feel that it isn't the way to make those thoughts stop. But it is beneficial in that it effectively shows people how school and high expectations from parents/others can push students too far. Thank you for sharing your eye opening story.
ReplyDeleteThe way you transitioned from you and the voices was really good. I was never confused and that's something I would struggle on. The word choice was powerful too. This type situation is something, I feel, everyone goes through. It is very relatable. The message here is very strong and the way you delivered it was amazing. The ending was intense. I loved it. Great job!
ReplyDeleteWow! The ending really shocked me! I was not expecting a good life to become a bad one at the end. I really enjoyed the dialogue between the person and the voices. The diction that you used made it seem like I could also hear the voices as well and the attitude the voices were making. The whole time I was reading, I was hoping for a happy ending since that is what most stories end with, but you twisted the ending and that is what makes this piece so great! Good job!
ReplyDeleteYour story started immediately off the bat which I enjoyed. The way you told the story about how people that may be mentally ill deal with things was enjoyable and that ending was very unexpected which was a great twist. The way you ended makes a point about how those who are not healthy may end up hurting themselves or others. Good job.
ReplyDeleteThis dialogue something I have never read before. I liked the detail that was going on with it and I was more and more interested the more I read. In some ways I can relate to the voice in the speaker's head. Sometimes voices can be harsh but you have to push through and make something better out of it. Good job on this I really liked it a lot and I was intrigued with the piece the whole time!
ReplyDeleteWow that was deep! Good job on the story though. I liked how during his slippery slope you used detail. There is a pretty powerful message behind this because in life things don't always go the way we hoped. Thanks for sharing this story!
ReplyDeleteI am left without words, that ending was very unexpected because you had pushed yourself so well before but I think it is a good representation of how people start to lose motivation after being brought down so much. The story began in the first sentence I liked how it got straight to the point, the dialogue was well structured and not confusing at all. The story line was like a roller coaster, you started at a low point and brought yourself up really high and at the end it was over, you lost control of the voice and had no motivation on trying to gain control.
ReplyDeleteVery eerie and confusing on one thing, is the voice his own inner mind or something like schizophrenia because we all tell ourselves stuff like that. But apart from that nice ending very sudden but also fitting. It was dark and I love stuff like this plus with the wonderful pacing of the story just great with it starting down then goes up and eventually plummeted it was great.
ReplyDeleteThis honestly left me speechless. I was intrigued from the title of the piece and the suspense kept building with each line. The dialogue was structured very well and I loved actually following the dramatic structure of the piece. I understand how sometimes the voices in our head overwhelm our thoughts and how something small can build up on all of our previous worries and thoughts which can cause our downfall. The detail and diction of the story was good too. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThis was an extremely good piece, the end really caught me off guard I was expecting a usual happy positive ending. I like the dialogue of talking in your head because I do that to myself all the time. This piece was so good!
ReplyDeleteWow, I think the dialogue is perfect for your piece because it allows your readers to understand and relate on a deeper level. I have been in your positions many times before, and I think we all go through these emotions because it i a part of life. Nice job because this piece was relatable, written nicely, and entertaining as well. - Madeline J
ReplyDeleteStarting your story by using dialogue really grabbed my attention. Your use of diction and detail made it seem as if I was in the shoes of the speaker and I could hear the voices. I was not expecting such a tragic ending because the plot made me think everything was finally going to work out for the speaker. Overall, this was a great piece.
ReplyDeleteI liked how you depicted how traumatizing expectations and criticisms can be for students, even if they're their own. The blunt, harsh dialogue of the voice served as an excellent method of portraying students' overly caustic judgments of themselves, and the return of the voice as the narrator had more negative experiences demonstrates how relentless we can be when criticizing ourselves despite the emotional consequences that come along with it. In addition, I liked how the ending cemented the results of extremely severe criticism.
ReplyDeleteThis story was very intriguing, but also sad and I think that is what makes this a great piece. You show all these different emotions going through his head and how is feels to be vulnerable in our toughest times. We see this person's inner self and deepest thoughts which is captivating because people really do struggle and it is hard. I thought this story was written well and easy to understand so thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteI found it very clever how you incorporated the conscience of the speaker with reality through conflicting dialogue's within the speaker's mind. Your story makes the reader feel pity for the speaker as they continue to go under a lot of stress and pressure regarding academics and their love life. I was also surprised with the ending of your piece as well. Although the ending was unexpected, you continued to build up tension between the speaker and his/her conscience in order to close the story with a shocking twist. Overall, this piece was very well written. Great Job!
ReplyDeleteThis piece was very deep and dark. I think it reflects that sometimes we all are a bit tough on ourselves, but in this case, it was presented as a different person who creeps in to diminish the speaker's value. This teaches a valuable lesson about control and confidence. I really enjoyed the use of dialogue as it created a strong detail within the piece. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThis piece is very interesting the narrative pace really portrays the schizophrenic-type of emotion well. I really like this topic as well because many people base their worth on academics and and physical presentation and I feel like sharing this piece shows how this doubt kind really take a toll on us teenagers. Great Job!
ReplyDeleteI think that the voice represented the main character's self doubt, taking over, not only his mind, but his entire life. However, I loved how you started with the conflict between the main character and the voice, and I thought that it beautifully represented how the story's intensity increases. And I loved how the suspense of each build up in the dialogue, made me keep wondering why the voice won't leave.
ReplyDeleteI honestly don't know what to say after reading this piece. Throughout the entire story, I was encaptivated and couldn't stop reading. Everyone has their own voice in their head that puts them down and confidence truly is the only way to overcome that. When you go through hard times that confidence is hard to hold onto but the only thing to do is look pas the short term. Your story touched me and made my emotions all out of whack. The Bang at the end was unexpected and gave an omniscient feeling to the entire piece.
ReplyDeleteWow this was a very powerful piece. I love the strong dialogue and diction used throughout the story that allowed me to imagine the scene. I like how shows how much confidence plays an important role in performance because I truly believe if you are not confident in yourself it cause your performance level to drop. I also believe that there is a domino effect when things aren't going your way they continue to feel like that and until ONE thing goes your way. Overall great piece and great topic!
ReplyDeleteWe are our worst critics and you properly depicted how hard it is to be a peace with ourselves, and it will never be indefinite tranquility. You made it very relatable because being a high schooler it seems like a never ending stream of thoughts make it their goal to overwhelm us. The dark ending took me by surprise but it was definitely needed. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteThat ending caught me by surprise. This is something a lot of people can relate to, especially at this time of the year for us seniors. We all have self-doubt, and confidence is important, as long as it isn't over-confidence.
ReplyDeleteThis piece was an interesting read and I kept wanting more and more. The use of dialogue throughout made it easy to visualize. The ending came as such a surprise and left me confused and wanting a sequel! Nice job!
ReplyDeleteThis piece was a very shocking one. This story is very relatable as well with people being mostly stressed this time of year. doubt seems to consume us and that leads us to situations where we are just mad at ourselves. The dark ending was surprising but it fit in well. very good job.
ReplyDeleteTo say the least this piece had me so intrigued and it left me speechless. I literally read it like four times over again just to admire how well it was written. The dialogue as well as the narration of the story worked so well together to present an effortless, flowing story line. This story does an amazing job at demonstrating how our lives can change so drastically in such a short amount of time, and you did an amazing job at getting this message across through your writing. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThis piece was simply amazing. You masterfully used syntax, imagery, and dialogue in order to further the plot of the story and portray your message. This piece was truly eye opening and entertaining. This was brilliant story, thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThis flash fiction was incredibly interesting and wouldn't let me stop reading it, and the ending was absolutely a great plot twist. I enjoyed the fact that there was actually a good part of the narrator's life, even though it didn't as for too long. I genuinely enjoyed the way the story was organized because it really gave off the effect of thinking like the narrator.
ReplyDeleteDear Isaiah, I missed you a lot. And I would just like to say that your piece was so emotionally touching that I love you even more than before. Your use of dialogue and diction to show that confidence is key succeed in many things. Well done!
ReplyDeleteWhile reading your piece the emotions that you put into it were very clear and felt as if they just kept getting stronger and stronger until the end where the ending left me speechless. I thought you did a great way of how you showed how many people feel with college apps, grades, and how they feel about themselves. The use of diction to emphasize the voice made it a more emotional piece.
ReplyDeleteWhile reading your piece the emotions that you put into it were very clear and felt as if they just kept getting stronger and stronger until the end where the ending left me speechless. I thought you did a great way of how you showed how many people feel with college apps, grades, and how they feel about themselves. The use of diction to emphasize the voice made it a more emotional piece.
ReplyDeleteI really liked how this story progressed, when all seemed okay the protagonist decides to ignore his self antagonism but the plot twist occurs with him committing suicide. I think it's messed up how sometimes we can be too tough on ourselves, on a personal level at one point we've all self-doubted or written ourselves off as failures. We all need to be reminded that we can't compare ourselves to others and that sometimes failure is a good thing that can open up more doors in the future, a balance of confidence is also needed. Although there has been some good memories here and there, I'm glad we're leaving high school now as I never truly felt happy here, too many mistakes made and I haven't been able to prove myself, with that being said we should all look to the future as something better than what we currently have.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed how you set up this story. You're overall diction and dialogue played out very well and you showed this through the usage of that mysterious conscious controlling you. This piece is also very relatable to what we see in life today. The amount of stress students face in uncontrollable, and we can do nothing but move on with out lives. Im really glad you shared this with us.
ReplyDeleteIt really was interesting and definitely something different. The voice in the character's head has been characterized into something extremely influential. The use of onomatopoeia to express the internal struggle and ultimate climatic ending give an emphasizes on how far self-doubt can go. I did enjoy reading the difference in this piece because of the unique shift between narrative and dialogue.
ReplyDeleteI really felt like this piece can relate to a lot of people, especially during moments of distress. That nagging voice in your head that tells you that you can't do anything right is one of your biggest enemies. I'm glad you wrote about this topic because I recently have experienced these types of feelings. They can be intense like you described, but it's important to have confidence to keep the voices quiet. Your ending was surprising to me as it came out of left field. I felt like it stressed the importance of maintaining a level of confidence to silence the voices. Overall a great read! Wow Isaiah, great moves! Keep it up. Proud of you.
ReplyDeleteI feel like most everyone at this point in our high school career can relate to this. There seems to always be this nagging voice pointing out everything we do wrong. I think the important thing is to use this voice as a driving force to excel that much further- such as you did when you went to the gym, got your grade up, etc. I think you used a great use of imagery to help the reader understand the situation and I also like the suspense I was left with at the end.
ReplyDeleteThis story was so impactful. You executed the narrative with constant dialogue between the speaker and his conscience flawlessly, which was so relevant to most of the readers. And the ending was so shocking but so eye-opening that really brings light to this issue of insecurities and low self-esteem. Beautiful job.
ReplyDeleteI knew this piece was going to be either really good or bad as soon I got to it because my laptop started glitching and wasn't allowing me to read it. I'm glad I stuck with my intuition and read it because its better than good and no where near bad. The way your piece is set up and the dialogue in it kept me wanting more at the end of each period. Great job!
ReplyDeleteWOW. I feel like you perfectly captured what it's like to be your own worst critic and how it feels to never be good enough for yourself. With motivation being at an all time low this late into senior year, I can relate to some of the struggles the character had. Its interesting to see how when you're in the situation yourself, it feels like the worst thing ever and something you'll never get over, but from the outside looking in, it seems so trivial and like something that can be easily fixed.
ReplyDeleteThis piece was very well written and was entertaining to read. The dialogue and detail kept me wanting to read more into your story. I couldn't relate to anything more than what was happening to the character, self-doubt. We all have that "voice" in our heads that bring us down from time to time and we feel that we can't cope with all the stress. Once again, great piece. I really enjoyed reading it you did a good job.
ReplyDeleteThis was so great. I really related to this piece, which may seem odd, but I really do understand what that feels like, it's enough to drive someone insane. I think this was a really accurate representation of what it feels like to go through that everyday. I really loved the ending because it was so shocking and so abrupt. It ame, seemingly , put of nowhere and I really enjoyed how well it flowed even through it was so sude. I really enjoyed this, Great Job!
ReplyDeleteThis is something I can definitely relate to and I enjoyed it. Especially being our senior year I feel it is hard to live up to our own and everyone else's expectations. You also had a good ending to this story.
ReplyDeleteThis piece was truly something special. I feel like we can all relate to end of the year struggles of graduation, college acceptance, and senioritis, but this truly surprised me. The twisted ending was an excellent choice and I think this is an eye opener of what internal struggles could lead to. The diction was eerily good, the way the dominant and submissive were portrayed was so real. Amazing Job!
ReplyDeletewow this was such a unique piece Isaiah great job! It is so amusing being able to see how others think or how the perceive a certain topic or situation. As everyone had mentioned the ending is so unexpected and surprising in a good way. The great use of imagery helps tie this great piece together. Great job I really like what u had to share with us thank you.
ReplyDeleteThat piece was really powerful and emotional. It really captured the constant doubt and self hate that unconfidence can fosters. The way the story ended was so sudden and shocking, it gave me goosebumps. Really great story.
ReplyDeleteWow that story was amazing, the way you captured how the lack of self confidence can bring doubt and influence one's thinking was so relatable and real. The way the ending came was so sudden and shocking it gave me goosebumps. Great story!
ReplyDeleteThat was such an amazing story. The way you captured the doubt and negative influence the lack of self confidence can have on someone was so relatable and emotional. The ending was so sudden and shocking that it left me with goosebumps. Great Story!
ReplyDeleteThe detail and imagery allowed me to picture this vividly, but honestly I was simply just able to relate to this. Those three doubts in the beginning are the same nagging doubts I have, I thought I was reading a story about myself. But alot of people can relate, and your argument that when we are confident and something goes wrong, everything else just starts to crumble which seems true. Your ending is what i'm curious to what happened because it was so sudden. Overall, great job!
ReplyDeleteWOW. not only did this have intricate dialogue and syntax but the volumes that this inner voice is manipulating how you interact with the world and i feel like many others feel the same. The ending in itself created a shock in ambiance tyat left me in awe.
ReplyDeleteThe idea of remotely being in this state of mind is insanely familiar. I have been like this but not to this extent in regards of being so hard of myself. The intensity you brought to this piece made my own heart race until the big bang which I could faintly hear that gunshot. Amazing work!
ReplyDelete