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Tuesday, December 20, 2016

"The Hitchhiker" by Gurkirat K


                 
As the crisp cold weather was beginning to settle in late december, every breath was visible. Children went to bed with more anticipation for the morning than any other night of the year. Most people had already retreated to their homes, filled with the spirit of the holiday season. However, some were rushing to the stores to find the perfect gift and some to get a gift for an unexpected relative.
The roads were lonely and dark near the countryside and the corn fields engulfed the land as far as the eye could see, with only a few unsound huts protruding out of the flatness. A car arrived, piercing the silence, drove down the highway with two figures inside of it. The two of them were brothers, determined to reach their aunt Cybil’s house in Vermont before Christmas morning. It was tradition for the family to get together during the holidays, but Hunter and Landon were running late. They both lived in an apartment in New York and were attending New York University. With Landon on the wheel and Hunter on the aux, they drove for a couple hours, listening to Rae Sremmurd, by the endless fields while the sky became darker and the night colder. Suddenly after a few hours of driving, the songs stopped playing and Landon turned his head towards Hunter, only to find out that he was staring right back at him with no emotion on his face. With a jerk, Ariana Grande’s music blasted from the speakers and Hunter started to dance frantically in his seat. Landon looked away with disappointment and Hunter ran his index finger down Landon’s face while singing along with the song. Shoving his hand away, Landon yelled, “What the heck bruh!? Why you always be doing this kinduv stuff, you know I don’t like that junk.” Hunter started to laugh uncontrollably and Landon, with a scowl on his face, focused on the road.
“Dude stop laughing,” said Landon.                                                                                                                         “Why? Are you annoyed of me already bro, we still have a couple hours to go,” replied Hunter, still recovering from the laughter.                                                                                                                                          “There is a man on the side of the road,” explained Landon.                                                                         
   “What is he doing in the middle of nowhere all alone?” Hunter now pointing to the man’s luggage, “Looks like he is trying to get somewhere. Let’s give him a ride. I mean it is Christmas and all. Tis the season of giving dude.”                                                                                                                                                                
 “I don’t know man, what if he is a psycho murderer or something...these hitchhikers always end up killing somebody in the end...,” responded Landon with a hesitation in his voice.                          Rolling his eyes, Hunter replied, “That only happens in the movies and you my friend have been watching way too many movies lately. Just pull up and let’s do a good thing.”                                                         

 Landon pulls up the dusty side road, still unsure of the decision. Hunter rolls down the window and begins to talk to the stranger. “Ayy yo dude! You need a ride?” The man was dressed in a long trench coat with a panama hat on his head. The collars of his trench coat were covering most of his face, which worried Landon and the cold snowy December air rushing through Hunter’s window sent chills down his spine. Hunter with a sparkling and welcoming smile on his face waited for the stranger to respond. As the man started to walk to the window...Hunter yells, “Ahhhh bruh! I see you rocking them fresh Timbs.” Landon shakes his head and face palms himself. The man stops momentarily and looks down at his shoes and then resumes back to walking towards Hunter.   
                                                                                    
“Will you two young lads be kind enough to drop me fifty miles down the road,” asked the man. His face was still not visible due the darkness of the eerie night and the lack of streetlights on the countryside.                            
 “Of course, dude,” replied Hunter almost immediately. The man sat down behind Hunter and placed his luggage on the floor.

One hour later, both brothers shared a terrified look and sweat ran down their foreheads. Landon yanked the steering wheel to the side and the car came to a screeching halt. Both ran out of the car and into the fields.                                                                                                                                                                            
 “Hunter I’m freaking out, I told you that he was going to kill us!,” Landon exclaimed while trying to catch his breath.
“Dude, I thought that only happened in the movies, but this guy is legit turned out to be a murderer,” said Hunter.
“He kept looking inside his coat and laughed to himself like a million times dude. On top of that, I saw a shining blade in his coat,” Landon said trying to fathom the the situation.
“When we went over that speed bump, his suitcase opened and I saw a freaking gun handle dude. When I asked him to let me see his Timbs I saw a swiss army knife attached to the inside of his shoe.” Hunter peered over the crops trying to have a glance at the man in the car. “If that is not a sign that he is planning to kill us, then I don't know what is!”
“I know! We have to do something about it! I mean school makes me want to kill myself and all, but I am still trying to catch that family dinner tho!,” explained Landon.
“You right! I got a bat in the back of the car. I will get the bat while you distract that weirdo and then I smack him on the top of the head and then we can run him over and throw him in the corn field,” Hunter replied. 

Hunter and Landon started to slowly walk towards the car when the man noticed them and shifted towards them. Landon frantically ran towards the trunk and they executed the plan as planned. However, as they were dropping the body into the ditch, a post card fell out of his coat, which had a drawing of a little girl holding her dad’s hand and the skribbles spelled “Hope you make it for christmas on time from the army daddy.”

36 comments:

  1. Aye, love the story man.... you should become a writer 👏👏

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  2. The anticipation in this story actually made me more interested in the outcome of the events, I really loved the plot twist at the end I think it's a funny lesson on how we shouldn't always assume the worst. Great job!

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  3. This was a well written piece which demonstrated your unique skillset as a writer. The plot twist at the end puts the icing on the cake. You should pursue a career as a writer in the future. Make bank. - Jerico Dizon

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  4. I love how there's a sudden shift in tone from comedic to dark and twisted. Seeing that the brothers are portrayed as lighthearted and always goofing around, I never would've guessed that they would commit the atrocity that is a brutal murder. The twist at end really caught me off guard! Wonderful work!

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  6. This story had a lot happening in very few words. I liked the changes in tone throughout, it kept the reader attentive about how they should feel about each line. I think the ending was a little abrupt- I wanted more detail- but either way I thought it was a great piece. It seemed to be very organized and well thought out. Great job!

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  7. Reading your piece put me through a wave of emotions, from laughing to being scared of what was going to happen next and finally leaving me utterly shocked at the ending feeling sympathy for the poor man. I wish it was longer so that we could see how the two boys handled the situation. Thanks for writing such an amusing and entertaining story!

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  8. You put me in a roller coaster of emotions that changed throughout the whole story, it was great to be able to experience both laughter, suspense, and sadness all in one short story. The detailed imagery allowed for the nature and surroundings of the trip to come to life. I especially enjoyed the change in diction when the guys spoke to when the story was being told. I hated how it ended on a sad note, however I very much enjoyed the story and felt as if I was in their situation. Great job!

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  9. Your story was full of surprises, it was definitely not the typical happy ending. Hunter and Landon were great characters who added lots of comedy to the story in the first half until there was a dramatic shift in the end of the story when they murdered the innocent man. Great work!

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  10. A tale of what happens when your paranoia gets to you... I was very curious to what the deal was with the hitchhiker, great twist you had!

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  11. This story was extremely entertaining, suspenseful, and kind of tragic in a funny way at the end. The friendship Landon and Hunter have is totally relatable and I feel like thats exactly how me and my friends act, too. The use of language was really entertaining and made it unique and made me want to continue reading. You had a great use of diction and the suspense had me sitting at the edge of my seat but the comical aspects of the story provided some good comic relief. The ending was a little unfortunate but nonetheless a good one for your story. Great job!

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  12. I like how you used the imagery in the beginning to set the tone for the setting and how you used contrasting nature to give depth to the setting. You also did a good job at making it relatable and easy to connect to the relationship the two brothers had. Throughout the entire thing the story almost sounded cliche but the ending actually made me "awe" out loud and it kinda showed how you should never judge a person based off their appearance.

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  13. This really tells a great tale during what usually would be a time of happiness and glee, but instead is dark and cold. The twists and turns of emotions force the reader to read it all. Great story!

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  14. I did not expect the plot twist at the end! This story is a wild ride full of suspense. I love how you fully utilized the shift in tone from a happy spirited tone to a dark tone. It is crazy how paranoia can drive a person mad, this is a lesson to be learn. Wonderful story!

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  15. Your story brings me a roller-coaster of emotions, even though it was a short story it did not lack depth. Overall, the story not only tells the story about a hitchhiker but a greater moral lesson. Great job G!

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  16. You should use your talent to become a writer. Your use of words and the emotions you put into each paragraph got me from the start. Not only that, there were some deep hidden meaning to your story and it got me in the end. Great piece G!

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  17. This story was really well written, dialogue like that is very hard to make sound convincing and you did a great job. You even add an unexpected twist that demonstrates a great lesson, overall fantastic writing

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  18. This story was so good, it was really intense and suspenseful. The end was so sad and unexpected. This is an amazing piece and really good plot. Good job G!

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  19. I did not expect the plot twist at the end which made me really enjoy your story! I like how you structured your story and how you were very descriptive throughout the piece which helped build up to the plot twist. I think your story has a very good lesson that everyone should learn from and apply to their everyday lives. Great job!

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  20. To be completely honest, I definitely wasn’t expecting the story to end that way. Although i did laugh at the sudden turn of events, I kinda felt bad for the hitchhiker. I absolutely love the way you were able to build everything up to the reveal with such tension, and I really enjoy the fact that you were able to change the story’s mood from comedic to dramatic so fast. You are really skilled in writing stories and I believe you should continue writing them!

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  21. What a great piece, full of suspension and humor. I loved the eerie felling that was set from the start and the imagery used to give it that sensation. As well as the humor used which gave it that comic relief while still maintaining the tension among readers. Well done.

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  22. This story had quite the ending. The reader goes throughout a series of emotions form humor to suspense and overall ending in a lot of sadness. It was extremely creative and unique, very different and refreshing. I personally loved it. Both characters were fun and held contrasting character traits which, I think, made it pretty believable that the two were brothers because sibling tend to annoy each other and yet are able to act stupid and get along. This was a fun and interesting read.

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  23. The story brought a lot of emotion especially at the shift in the story. Your diction effectively conveyed the tone of the story and brought emphasizes to the overall moral. It was something different and definitely interesting to read.

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  24. Wow...I was not expecting that. That was so sad! You wrote this really well and I loved that it was suspenseful as well as humorous. Good job G!

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  25. At first, this story made me laugh and i was drawn into the story due to its humor.The comic relief was amazing since it made it not so scary and i really enjoyed how you combined fear with this relief. The ending was really well written and i really liked the transition into something more serious and more emotional. The whole story has so many different emotions portrayed and it truly is well written.

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  26. I thought it was awesome how you were able to include humor and fear to transition eerieness to a pretty depressing ending. I like how the story contradicts the typical Christmas story by including horror and tragedy, and thought this was well written. Great job!

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  27. The ending was quite the turnaround! I loved the shift in tone from a happy holiday setting to the comedy of the brothers, down to the suspense of the "murderer," and finally to the sudden twist of him making it home to his daughter. You're diction also made me chuckle a bit since you used more modern language between the brothers. Great job!

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  28. G, why did you do this to me dude...This was a really good story. You drew me in by making the story very relatable and then you hit me with that curve ball at the end. I really enjoyed how you foreshadowed that something was going to happen through "Landon's" suspicions from the outset of meeting the stranger. I also liked how you jumped right into the most intense part of the story after the stranger got into the car, it really picked up the pace of the story. Great job G. I still can't get over the ending.

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  29. This was a wonderful piece full of suspense right from the jump that did an amazing job of captivating your audience. the imagery really brought it home and helped me get in to it. Its as if i was there watching the whole thing unfold. Furthermore, I appreciate the lesson that we learn from this piece. Finally, what an ending man! Great work.

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  30. You did a fantastic job of pulling the reader in and never letting them go. Your use of suspense was remarkable and always left the reader wondering whats next. Overall a very enjoyable story to read. Good Job!!

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  31. An interesting yet tragic twist towards the end there. Towards the beginning rests some well-placed imagery that sets up the tone of the piece quite well. Well done.

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  32. Wow I'm speechless, truly a unexpected, ominous and sort of hilarious story. The detail put into that story was amazing and the suspense with the missing pieces during the story only to put all the pieces back together at the end was an amazing plot twist. The narration was great for both characters, especially with Hunter and his funny side. Overall an amazing piece! Good job!

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  33. The details used in writing this piece truly amplified the suspense of the plot. I love that you used very realistic and modern dialog while breaking off from the well-written narrative. The ending was a very cliche plot-twist that provided a great laugh to end the thrilling story.

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  34. Oh my gosh when they thought it was a murderer and ran out of the car, I was saying to myself that this was predictable considering the title of the story was "The Hitchhiker," I never expected that to happen. I loved the way that you were able to capture the way teenage boys talk and I thought it was so funny at first. I also enjoyed the shift in tone and theme. You definitely caught me off guard the story took a whole turn and I think it so sad that he got killed. You need to make a part 2 on what the boys do after and when they get to the party lol. Overall that was a great story you could definitely become an author.

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  35. This story was so good, it was so intense and just mind blowing.This is an amazing piece and really good plot.

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  36. Great story with a lot of detail that painted an image in my mind. I liked how you made me think this was going to be an actual suspense thriller type of story, but that twist at the end was perfect.

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