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Monday, October 24, 2016
"Evaporate" by Alexandra U
There he was, silent, still, at peace. His dead body lie there unable to move,
unable to grasp onto reality. He was now only an apparition floating through the air
hoping to be more, hoping to console his loved ones. His wake was filled, a quiet room,
the only sound was the sound of each heartbeat. The room is still until a woman, the
boy's mother, walked up to his casket. His lifeless body is surrounded with puffy silk
pillows and billowy silk drapes. She set her hand on his, and wept, but not for the loss of
her son. She cries to keep the facade of a caring mother. Unfortunately for her, she is not
an actress so to keep the tears coming she remembers the last time she had a stiff drink,
2 hours. She starts to shake and her silent tears turn into gut wrenching sobs, she falls to
the floor and she is picked up and taken to a chair far away from her son’s body. Her
family approaches her with caution She is frail, she has orange hair and is wearing a
black form fitting cocktail dress, she is not trying to hide her hourglass figure, she flaunts
it. Because of this she is an outcast in her family, yet they come to her aid. They ask if
they can help her and she asks for money. Knowing she and her, now cold, son were
homeless living out of 1996 Toyota and living off of whatever boyfriend she had that
week. Reluctant they each give her money and their numbers in case she needs anything
else.
The attention shifts from the boy's mother to a tall man with hair as dark as the
bottom of the ocean and as fluid as waves just about to hit the shore. He has soft green
eyes and pale skin streaked with tears. He looks at the boys sunken face. He is covered
in ridiculous amounts of make up so the man takes out a handkerchief and wipes off the
boys face. He feels a twinge of happiness to see the boy as he was. Hair as dark as the
bottom of the ocean and as fluid as the waves about to hit the shore. The man had
fought for years to gain custody of his son, but because his mother was ruthless in her
attempts to ruin the man's life she did everything she could to stop it. With bribes of her
body, money and whatever else she could conjure up she single handedly killed both the
man and his son. He cried, he felt the eyes of an empty woman boring into him and he
wept for the loss of his only love, killed by the one he thought he would do anything for.
The woman who chose drugs and alcohol over the life of her son. The woman who killed
him. He felt her eyes burning into him, and in a single moment he gained his composure
turned to his old love and gave her one look. One deadly, angry, sorrow filled look. A
look that terrified her. He began to walk towards her when a rush of cold surrounded
him. He lost his breath and he fell to the floor. The apparition who saw the violence
hiding behind his father's eyes surrounded him. He gave him the closest thing he could
to a hug to reassure him they would be back together soon, his father grasped onto the
vapors surrounding him and he felt whole again, then suddenly the feeling of entirety
was gone as soon as it came. The boy had evaporated into thin air.
***
His eyes opened and fear enveloped him. He had been asleep for 5 days and had
no idea of where he was. He awoke to bright lights and the sound of a heart monitor. He
looked further to see he was connected to a series of tubes and monitors. Upon further
inspection he saw a tall man sleeping in a hospital cot next to him. He had hair as dark as
the depths of the ocean and as fluid as waves about to hit the shore. The boy wished for
nothing more for him to wake so his suspicions would become more, would become
reality. As his heart raced the sound on the monitor raced to catch up, the tall man
opened his eyes and the boy saw the pale green, matching his. His father rushed over to
his son and hugged him as tightly as he could and whispered to him. “We’re free.”
I just gotta say, whoa. This piece intrigued me throughout, but that ending just solidified a certain air of uncertainty and supernatural elements felt in the story. Also, I did like how the father became a constant character to follow through his descriptions, that was a nice touch.
ReplyDeleteFantastic narrative! You effectively told us so much about the characters and made me feel for them in just a couple of sentences. I really like this, and wish there was more because I am so interested in these characters!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your story, I can definitely feel some romantic elements in your piece.
ReplyDeleteOh my god, this story is so touching and amazing. I really liked the supernatural element of the boy being a ghost, really complements the mood for Halloween. I love the surrealism that the boy goes through to be with his father and the emotions that they had contained for so long. I also liked how you repeated the description of the hair of both son and father.
ReplyDeleteWow, this piece was amazing. The detail was very vivid, and I love the structure of the sentences throughout the entire piece. I definitely found the story intriguing in the way that you managed to tell a lot about their background with few but well thought out descriptions. I also love the hint of the supernatural element within the piece. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI really was amazed by your story and the imagery that you used while providing details on the characters face, hair, eyes and so on. I also liked how you had the story structured and it was very touching and at the end of the story I felt happy knowing that at last the boy and his father were together and finally free. I also noticed the supernatural element that you used within the story of the boy being brought back to life.
ReplyDeleteThis was such a heart-filling story. It was a bit sad, as it had a sad plot to it but was still very interesting, suspenseful and fun to read. I like how you used a lot of imagery, catching the reader's attention with such vivid description. It was thorough and well explained. Great job writing this piece.
ReplyDeleteThis story was amazing. Your use of diction and imagery was outstanding, it helped me by picturing the characters and giving detail about the story. This piece sounds like a book that should be published! Well done!
ReplyDeleteThis story was ironically sad and not scary, but nonetheless amazing. The torment the boy and the father felt from the selfish and careless mother who devilishly took things into her own hands to ruin the life of her ex and her son who thirst for a caring and loving parent. Her actions effected the lives of her family and drew them into more contempt than she realized.
ReplyDeleteYour story was definitely intense. It hit not only personal real life issues but I noticed some romanticism elements peeking through. You incorporated the use of supernatural realms as well as beautiful descriptive language. Not most people have the patience to read let alone right in detail the small aspects but as someone who often focuses on the small things, I appreciated your piece.
ReplyDeleteThis piece is fantastic! As it goes on the story slowly gets your attention and suddenly grabs you and it's hard to stop reading. You did amazing in describing your characters and their personality with few sentences which in turn let's you continue on with the story. The topic that you chose, being family issues, is something that many people relate to and your job is to take it further and leave a lasting impression on your readers which is exactly what you did. The change of scenes from the funeral to the hospital and the changing of pace is done well in that all these changes support each other as the story goes on. 10/10!
ReplyDelete-Kynoa V
I loved your story, you do such an amazing job of building suspense and introducing characters. The little metaphors and similes you threw in really added to both the tone and structure as well as emotional impact of your story. It was very original and creative and extremely touching, you're a great writer, Alex, keep it up!
ReplyDeleteThis story was very captivating. You did an amazing job at keeping me interested in what would happen next throughout the entire story. Your attention to detail and imagery made me feel as if I was witnessing the events unfold in front of my eyes. The pain felt by the boy's father comes across very well to the reader and the strong connection between him and his son is very evident. Overall, you did a spectacular job in creating characters which the reader cared about by conveying their personalities and emotions. Great Job!
ReplyDeleteWow this was a really amazing story. The detail and imagery you used in this really kept me hooked to the story. It was very well written. You did a wonderful job. Keep it up.
ReplyDeleteGood job on the description of the story. It felt like I could picture everything right from where I was reading. I also liked how it can make readers feel different emotions because it helps to convey the tone more. Overall this story was creative and passionate.
ReplyDelete