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Monday, May 2, 2016
" The Proposal" by Kiyah M
Today was the day. It was June 4th and I decided I wanted this special moment to befall
under the light of the stars and fireworks. I told the love of my life to meet me at Le Colonial .
She thinks it just an ordinary anniversary dinner. She was now on her way so I grabbed the ring
case, made sure the ring was in there, and left. I fixed my tux up and called my planner that I
hired because this had to be perfect.
When I was about to drive off I got an unexpected call. I answered and there was a
woman's voice, “Jason Linse?.”
“This is him,”.
“I’m Natalie, from Kaiser Permanente hospital, I’m sorry to inform you that your girlfriend
Melanie Carver is currently in the hospital due to a car accident.”
I felt as if someone hit me in the heart. I instantly freaked out “,Oh my gosh, is...is she okay!?”
“She's in a coma facing incredible damage, you should come in as soon as possible.”
“Okay I'll be there soon.”
My body was quivering, I rushed over to Kaiser and peaked in the window of her room
she was just laying there, eyes closed.
It's been hours since I've been here and she's still in a coma. All of her family is here
now and we're finally allowed to see her. I grasped onto the soft small case in my hand the
whole time until Melanie’s Aunt said that everyone has seen her, that I can go in now.
I looked at her just lying there for a really long time. I took her hand and and grasped it
with mine and laid on her chest feeling and hearing her heartbeat and began to pray. I looked
back up at her and said,“Please don't leave me.” I took out the box and slid out the ring and
softly said “,Melanie Carver, I've loved you since the first time I saw you freshman year, I could
tell you that you're smart no...intelligent, and beautiful, rare, but come on, you already know that.
I love waking up with you as the sun creeps in and hits your face glowing up your eyes and then
you smile that amazing smile that I absolutely live for. You light up my world and if you don't
mind I would like to see that smile everyday…can you light up my world even more and become
my wife.” Two slow beeps came up on the electrocardiogram, it was kinda weird but I ignored it.
I slide the ring on her finger and I smiled and began to cry. I layed on her stomach again and
started to sob uncontrollably. A couple minutes later I felt a hand touch my hair and the words “I
will”. I was so confused I was the only one here and I didn't hear anyone come in, till it hit me,
the voice came from Melanie’s direction. I looked up and saw that her eyes was open and she
touched my face and said once more “,I will.”
This story had a lot of content. It kept my interest and I thought it was great.
ReplyDeleteGood imagery and shows what the narrator was feeling and thinking. It was romantic and I'm glad there was a happy ending to such a traumatic event. Good job!
ReplyDelete-Arianna Serna
Pd. 3
I love how detailed you made the story. Great job!
ReplyDelete-jazmine hernandez
-period 4
I love how detailed you made the story. Great job!
ReplyDelete-jazmine hernandez
-period 4
Your story was very interesting, I thought it was a common love story where this guy proposed and I honestly thought she was going to say no for a twist. However, you created a story I would have never thought about. Your story had good imagery and the point of view of the boyfriend showed the readers the sadness and the love he felt for her. Great job,
ReplyDelete-Miren Cancio Period 5
Great use of imagery, and detail when describing the main character's feelings towards his girlfriend being in a coma. I loved the happy ending and how I felt emotionally connected towards their relationship working out. Outstanding work!
ReplyDeleteThis is a super sweet love story and different then most. It stcks out and i love how you start it off with him about to propose and not just putting us next to the hospital bed but giving us a back round!
ReplyDeleteKarina Blocker
period 4
Wow this is a very touching story great job on the details this story really pulled me in once I started reading I couldn't stop I love it.
ReplyDeleteLailah Harris
Period 1
This story is really touching, I really like the structure of the story and I really enjoy the ending. This story is full of emotion.
ReplyDeleteRay Kemas
PRD:4
Oh my goodness!! that was amazing but it totally scared me. I thought she was going to die when he heard the beeps, but the plot twist was amazing.
ReplyDelete~Madison Behee
Per.4
This story gave me the feels I was about to start crying till she woke up. This is such a great story its going to take me a while to recover from this.
ReplyDeleteJohnny De La Cruz
Per 1
This was a really great story. I love how in the end the tragedy turned into something good when she woke up. You did a really great job with this piece!
ReplyDeleteJC Bagro
per 3
Aww, this was such a tear jerker! Personally, I'm a total sucker for happy endings and I am so glad that's where this story ended. I was able to feel just as distressed as the man in this piece making the story very personal. I really enjoyed it!
ReplyDeletePeriod:5
your story is wonderful I got scared because I thought he was going to die but she woke up I wasn't ready for that but once again your story is wonderful.
ReplyDeleteZya Woody
Per 4
I found this story sooooo beautifully written! I love the ending like everyone is saying, also I really enjoyed this piece!
ReplyDelete-Destynee Torres
Period 4
This story was awesome and well written. I loved the details you put into this story. This was very emotional and it made me saddened with the twist. I was really happy that Jason was going to propose to his wife, and then you shocked me with his wife being in the hospital from a car crash. Also, I liked the ending when Melanie accepted and said that she will marry Jason. Great story!
ReplyDelete- Jessie Santos
Period 1
This was so beautiful! It sounded like it was a scene from a hit movie. Very captivating and romantic.
ReplyDeleteMackenzie Tipple
per.4
Great story and twist ending! The lead up to the end had me disappointed he wasn't going to get to propose but that twist made it all better. I really enjoyed your attention to detail throughout the story to create the solemn tone.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a cute love story! i was on the edge of my seat expecting her to wake up as soon as he got to the hospital. The attention to detail leading to the restaurant and on the way to the hospital was very well put together. it was such a romantic piece with suspense! Very nice job. Hopefully you can continue to write and maybe even write about thier wedding!
ReplyDeleteWow. This story is so cute and heartwarming. I loved how all she said was "i will". Those two words just made me so happy. I liked how you added that plot twist in the story, it made the story even more interesting. Great job!
ReplyDelete-Valarie Ly
Period 1
This story was so enduring and heartwarming. It was a very well written piece with lots of detail ad feeling. I really enjoyed reading this piece. You did a very good job. :)
ReplyDeletetHIS STORY WAS VERY CUTE AND MADE MY HEART MELT. Well done with the detail too
ReplyDelete