Find the shape and tell it!
Monday, May 2, 2016
"Bruises" by Ari A
She let herself fall deeper and deeper, even though she knew it would end in scraped knees and
bouts of anxiety that seemed to rip her ribs apart.
Although she knew her fate, she let his scent bore its way into her brain and linger, as if it was
made to torment her for these things that she said her “heart” made her do.
She let his hands roam across her body in a way only he could, almost making a map towards
their own demise.
She knew she would let him do it, because picturing herself alone made her feel a certain way
that could only be described as cold ice.
It almost seemed romantic, and sometimes she thought she was a martyr to this belief; sacrificing
her stability for hope that maybe it could last...at least until Christmas.
She knew it was coming, she knew it was coming, she knew it was coming...
When it did happen, it was as if her body had been plunged into freezing water, and she was
calling, calling, calling out for help.
Every time the sobs would overtake her body, she reminded herself it was her fault and she was
never enough for anything such as him because that’s how you’re supposed to think right?
Everything is her fault, her fault, her fault...
As the sunlight pooled onto her eyelashes every morning, her hands felt the dents in the mattress
that held the only thing she had left of him. It was the basis of their relationship after all.
Although she knew it would come, it still broke every bone in her body and the ship that sailed
the oceans in her lost its direction, becoming nothing but a drowning mess. Sinking, sinking,
sinking...
God she knew was only a small piece of the puzzle but to her he was the all of the parts
combined, fated to come apart after finally putting it together.
The aroma of the city left her as she ran and ran and ran to what she hoped was something she
could latch onto, and her feet hit the ground as she thought maybe she would tire herself to sleep,
as it had been so rare. The smooth, sticky air engulfed her and she remembered he once said that
pain was purely a primitive thing, wired into our bodies to make sure we were safe. She
wondered how this dull ache was a way of making her safe and laughed because she just always
knew it would come back to him, even at 4:30 in the morning in the middle of nowhere. Air
filled her lungs but didn’t seem to reach her brain as the dirt made contact with her skin. She sat
motionless biting her fingernails because to her that was the only constant left in her life and
repetition was something she needed, almost as badly as water.
She knew, she knew, she knew he would do this. She was drowning, drowning in regret and
hopelessness and abandonment and denial and...
…..but as always, she got up and walked back home.
Walked towards the lights of the city and sighed with the trees, because she knew this was it, and
maybe nothing got better.
But somehow she was okay with that…..
AA
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31 comments:
I definitely liked this piece the whole story really touched me, The first sentences really brought me in, This is by far one of the best pieces i have read. Great Job!
Ashley Garcia
per.4
That was really emotional and very personal to me. All the details made me feel her pain and the brokenness she felt after that man left her. Love can do that sometimes. I've read stories of happy love and great relationships but it was nice to see that there can be a darkness when falling in love, especially for the wrong reasons. I also enjoyed the twist in the end of how she was okay with it all. Great job.
Jessica Perez
Per. 3
I really enjoyed your piece ! I love how you were able to put such an emotional and meaningful piece out there for us readers to enjoy , and I Applaud you for that . I really loved how you captured each detail and nuances to really portray to us the emptiness and heart break she felt .
Wow I suggest that you make it into a book I think this was really interesting and really caught my attention.
-Audriana Youssef
4th period Cogwell
This piece really pulled me into what I'm usually not interested in. The emotion you put into this really caught my attention and it made me keep wanting to read. I like the 50 shades of grey style. Good job!
Period 5
This made me feel like I was watching a short film, that's how amazing the imagery, the diction, the tone of this piece made me feel, very nicely written. If this piece is a reflection of your past experience I want you to know that you portrayed this beautifully and that it puts a new perspective on the idea of love and its power, because the youth at our age are not sure of how to handle that idea, and its true significance, but how can we? We're still just kids. ANYWAY, I loved the use of third person and the metaphors you used to signify how well this boy could play her with the comparison of the map guide, also the way she was made to feel with the use of your description was really moving. Finally, the last line of the story was such a twist, after all the pain she was made to feel, she knew it made her human and that feeling something is better than not feeling anything at all. Thank you for sharing and happy graduation!!
-Samar Elshekh P.3
This was a very personal piece and I could see it came from somewhere deep inside you. I don't know if this is from experience but the way you depicted relationships was great. The imagery and diction you used really allowed the reader to feel like a part of the narrator in this piece. I love how you portrayed how someone could be somewhat played in a relationship and even know what's coming but still put themselves through that to have the comfort of having someone. Greatly done!
-Annika Joshi p. 5
Even though this piece wasn't really something I would normally read, I still appreciated this piece very much. I most appreciated the fact that I was from the heart and it kept me locked in till the end. Very good job. Keep writing!
I really enjoyed this piece of writing. Your imagery was great. I pictured each moment. I love that it is a romantic/guilt story instead of an ordinary love story. Good job.
-Brianna B.
Period 4
I really enjoyed this piece of writing. Your imagery was great. I pictured each moment. I love that it is a romantic/guilt story instead of an ordinary love story. Good job.
-Brianna B.
Period 4
This was an amazing piece. I could really feel the emotion poring out of the writing!! Great job.
~Madison Behee
Per.4
Great job! I really liked this piece. The imagery you used was great. The first few sentences really brought me into the story and i really liked about this story. I like how this wasn't like the rest of the stories but had its on uniqueness to it. Keep up the great job!
This story is great. I love the metaphors that you used in this story. You are one of the only people that have talked about such a serious problem as abuse. Thanks for a great story about something so dark.
Johnny De La Cruz
per 1
Ari, your eloquence and creativity never ceases to astound me. I feel like the key to creative writing is describing in a way that the audience can truly connect, which is exactly what you did. I felt like I was alongside this girl experiencing the same things. I even found it hard to breathe at times because of the heaviness in the piece. I really enjoyed being absorbed by your writing.
Period:5
I really enjoyed reading this. This was really amazing! Your word choice and descriptive imagery really brought this piece together and I just loved it. I love how you describe her pain, her actions, and her normal routine that breaks her apart but she won't change it. You picked a great subject to talk about and you captured it perfectly. I don't think many people realize what abuse really is and how it can seem to someone who isn't in that situation. Fantastic job! I'd love to read more if we had more of these blogs to write.
THIS IS AN AMAZING PIECE!!!!!!! You truly leave me speechless with the words you simply are creating!
-Destynee Torres
Period 4
Fantastic Job! The imaginary you used was great I really thought about every imagine think you thought into my head. You really had me thinking in this great piece of writing. Also, love the metaphors that you used in your writing.
I appreciate the honesty in highlighting the side of love that isn't all cherry pie. She clearly had a lot of internal issues that she hadn't solved, making her cling to him as well which I think is more comman than we acknowledge. Overall nice work and effective repetition.
-Kayla salas
The way you wrote some of the same lines repeatedly made it sink and touch me even more. Your words were simply creative and beautiful, great job.
Mackenzie Tipple
per.4
Good job! I really like how described the character's feelings with a lot of emotion and details.
this was great, very dramatic. The repetition really emphasized her destruction and pain
I really enjoyed this peace because of how involved I became with it. You intrigued me like never before. You really captured the feeling of anxiety and pain felt by the protagonist. Great job writing this great piece.
This was so beautiful and sad, you're such a good writer oh my goshhh. I can totally see myself in the speaker's shoes! Good job!
-Kelene H.
P2
This was a very good piece. I felt like i was in the actual story itself. You also did a great great tone so we could truly feel what was going on.
-Noah Andrus Period 5
This was an amazing piece of writing. You can definitely tell that this came from the heart. Great job!
Calaya A.
Period 1
I really enjoyed this piece! It is so intriguing in that you incorporated repetition, imagery, and so many sophisticated descriptions. A very well written piece, it makes the reader feel as if they were there. Good job.
Period 3
The emotional toll this enacts on the reader provides a simple connection that allows us to explore the depths of our conscious and forces us to confront possible demons lying in the wake. This was a truly enjoyable piece. Excellent job Ari!
Hunter Fierro
Period 5
I really loved this because it was deep and personal. This story was really intense and k could feel her brokenness.
This was really deep Ari. I love how more detailed you put in your work. I enjoy the things you write or say because they have so much imagery and meaning and it makes it more interesting. Really a nice piece.
Great Job! The thing about your piece that really stuck out to me was your use of imagery. You do a very good job of painting the picture of the girl on the mattress and the scenery of where she walks. It makes me feel as if I'm a fly on the all watching the girl.
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